He's brave.
He's relatable.
He's funny.
He's friendly, spectacular, and amazing.
But Spider-Man can also be unprofessional, and maybe a little pervy.
If you want to keep your childhood memories of Spidey intact, bail out now.
But if you want to see Spider-Man for who he really is, warts and all, be warned: without
the veneer of nostalgia, you might not like what you see.
Fake news
Peter Parker, through his work with the Daily Bugle, is a Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist,
and that means that he's expected to adhere to certain ethical standards.
He doesn't.
In fact, his entire career is pretty much a lie.
While Peter tells J. Jonah Jameson that his photos of Spider-Man swinging through the
city are candid, he often stages shots in order to get the best angle.
In reality, he's shooting selfies and selling them as news.
He creates newsworthy events, and then uses them to his financial advantage, which is
borderline evil.
Peter's transgressions are serious enough that he could be legally liable for "misrepresentation,
fraud, and breach of contract," and he wouldn't have much of a defense to fall back on.
In other words, Peter Parker is a hack who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a camera,
and should never be trusted with the news.
And speaking of cameras…
Mary Jane's indiscretions
It's not just fake news that Peter's cameras get used for.
He also spends a lot of time focusing on his wife....
Mostly when she's naked, which you may not completely realize as a kid.
In Spectacular Spider-Man #134, Mary Jane takes some sexy shots to convince Peter to
become a fashion photographer, while Peter crawls on the wall and pulls her to the ceiling
for some adult recreation.
In The Amazing Spider-Man #300, Peter and MJ break in their new apartment and relieve
some Venom-induced stress by taking some snaps for their "private collection."
In The Sensational Spider-Man #20, Peter takes his mind off a string of recent failures by
putting his "photographic talents" to use in the bedroom.
We just can't figure out why Mary Jane would be so eager to jump back in front of the camera
during her time off from being a model.
Get a hobby, lady.
Spider-nonsense
Peter Parker was given spider-like powers by a radioactive spider bite, and for the
most part, it checks out.
Clinging to walls?
Sure.
Super-strength?
Absolutely.
Jumping extra high?
According to science, Spider-Man doesn't even jump high enough.
So where the heck did his famous spider-sense powers come from?
Spiders can sense movement in the air around them using small hairs on their bodies, and
they can track the vibrations in their webs to tell different types of insects apart.
That means that Spider-Man should be able to identify nearby physical threats… but
his spider-sense does much, much more than that.
"My spider-senses are starting to tingle!"
It tells Peter when an enemy is in disguise, or if someone is lying.
It guides him to hidden threats.
It picks up specific radio frequencies, which is how his spider-tracers work.
Spider-sense is less of a biological function and more of a psychic power, and it's not
anything like a real spider's abilities.
Not even close.
With great power...
"Remember, with great power, comes great responsibility."
Except that's not actually how it goes.
In Amazing Fantasy #15, the actual quote reads, "With great power there must also come — great
responsibility!"
That doesn't flow off the tongue quite as well as the abbreviated version, so it makes
sense that future writers would try and condense it a little bit.
It's also a quote commonly attributed to Uncle Ben, but Ben never actually says those words
in Amazing Fantasy #15, Spidey's first appearance.
During Spider-Man's origin story, Uncle Ben only has two lines: he wakes Peter up for
school, and comments on how Peter is getting too big to out-wrestle thanks to Aunt May's
fat-filled wheatcakes.
The quote by which Spider-Man lives his life is only spoken by an unnamed narrator, who
utters the line as Spider-Man tearfully wanders off into the night, still mourning his uncle's
death.
Your whole life is a lie, Spider-Man!
Joke's on Carnage
Carnage might be the coolest Spider-Man villain ever.
He's like Venom, but faster, stronger, and looks like he's made of meat.
He's more than a match for most Marvel heroes.
He has complete control over his symbiote, and eats other symbiotes in order to boost
his strength.
What more could you want in a bad guy?
Well, how about some originality?
For starters, he's basically a super-sized version of Venom, who's already basically
just "Spider-Man, but evil."
The rip-off report is only getting started, though.
In his civilian identity of Cletus Kasady, he closely resembles yet another famous character.
If the maniacal grin, sharp cheekbones, and the psychotic disregard for human life remind
you of a clown-themed villain, you're not alone.
In 2007, Carnage co-creator Erik Larsen flat-out admitted that Cletus Kasady is a straight-up
Joker knockoff, saying,
"He was inspired by the Joker.
I basically drew the Joker and had him colored with regular skin and red hair."
Larsen isn't the only one who thought Joker and Carnage shared some strong similarities,
either.
In 1995, the Spider-Man and Batman crossover comic saw the Clown Prince of Crime team up
with the symbiote to wreak havoc in Gotham City, bringing the sinister twins together
at last.
Spider-Man's terrible friends
Many heroes have personal ties to their arch-nemeses, but Spider-Man takes things to a whole new
level.
Basically, anyone in Peter Parker's life who isn't dead turns into a supervillain sooner
or later.
No, seriously.
There's Norman Osborn, of course, who happens to be both his best friend's dad and the evil
Green Goblin.
Once Norman's out of the picture, his son Harry picks up the pumpkin bombs and carries
on the family legacy.
The clone-obsessed Jackal is Peter's college professor, Miles Warren.
The Molten Man is the stepbrother of Peter's high school crush, Liz Allan.
Man-Wolf is Peter's boss' son, while J. Jonah Jameson himself funded the creation of the
Spider-Slayers, as well as the villainous Scorpion.
Ned Leeds, one of Peter's co-workers at the Daily Bugle, spent some time as the Hobgoblin,
just for fun.
And those are just the classics.
More recently, a good friend of Aunt May's, the philanthropist Martin Li, turned out to
be the evil Mr. Negative.
Harry Osborn's fiancée, Lily Hollister, reveals herself as the goblin-themed villain Menace.
And Phil Urich, the nephew of Peter's Daily Bugle pal, Ben Urich, decided to terrorize
the city as yet another Hobgoblin.
They say you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.
If that's really true, Peter, choose better.
These people suck.
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