-Now, I have something to confess tonight, okay?
And I was struggling with whether or not
I should even tell you this because I don't like attention.
Obviously, I'm in the spotlight.
[ Laughter ]
But today is my birthday.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, okay. I'm not gonna lie.
I for sure thought this was a surprise party when I came out.
Okay?
I'm like, "NBC isn't gonna make me work on my birthday."
L-O-L-O-L.
But here I am.
I woke up at 6:00 a.m.,
and when I got here, there was someone in my parking spot.
[ Laughter ]
Yep. But I do turn 31 today.
So, you know -- [ Cheers and applause ]
It's not that hype. It's not that hype, okay?
I turn 31 today, which means I'm now the age
of one of those delusional people
who will say things like, "30s are the new 20s."
[ Laughter ]
Only old people say those things, okay?
And if you ever meet a guy in his 30s who says,
"30s are the new 20s," all he's saying is, "I do cocaine!"
[ Laugher ]
Now, I know a lot of people at home are thinking,
"31? Pff, that's not old."
Thank you so much.
[ Laughter ] Okay?
But let's be real.
That's what society makes you feel like, right?
I mean, let's face it.
There are no more good milestones to look forward to.
At 16, you can drive.
18, you can vote.
21, you can drink.
And then 25, you're allowed to rent a car,
presumably to drive it off a cliff because really,
after 25, why go on? [ Laughter ]
Okay?
You know how -- [ Laughs ]
You know how I know I'm old? Hmm?
The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is,
"What did I do yesterday?"
[ Laughter ]
Because my whole body hurts.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, that's right.
I just lived my life and did nothing out of the ordinary.
[ Laughter ]
When I was a kid, I played so hard
I had injuries I didn't even know about.
[ Laughter ]
But now, my body tells me
about the injuries before they even happen.
[ Laughter ]
I -- I swear. I've legit thrown my back out
just by looking at a heavy grocery bag.
[ Laughter ]
But you still know I'm-a do it in one trip.
Ahh. [ Laughter ]
Now, don't even get me started on getting white hairs.
No, no, no.
You know what pisses me off?
When I meet someone, usually a guy, okay,
who says something like, "Ugh, getting white hairs is awesome.
Makes me so seem so wise."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, 'cause men turn into George Clooney, okay?
But at the first sight of a white hair on a woman,
she turns into that old lady
who tries to give you apples on Halloween.
[ Laughter ]
Now, finding white hair on your head is one thing.
But finding white hair on your body is a whole different story.
But I will say that my vagina
has never looked more distinguished.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ah.
One way I'm constantly -- You liked that.
You liked that. [ Laughter ]
Good, I'm glad we can both laugh about this moment.
We'll exchange selfies after this.
Um -- [ Laughter ]
One way I am constantly reminded that I'm getting older
is people telling me I should freeze my eggs.
I mean, if you're a woman,
you're bombarded with this message nonstop
basically from the age of 25.
Am I right?
Nothing makes you feel older than your doctor telling you
it's time to start harvesting your body parts.
[ Laughter ]
And here's the thing about freezing your eggs.
It's a gamble.
You have to put yourself on hormones, gain 20 pounds,
spend tens of thousands of dollars only to roll the dice
on a 50/50 chance of actually getting pregnant. Yep.
It's like Vegas except you can't get drunk
and you're the only one taking your pants off.
[ Laughter ]
And let me tell you. I'm not into it, though.
I'm gonna save my money.
Let's be real.
I'm a millennial, okay?
All of my eggs have been fried by Wi-Fi.
[ Laughter ]
And yours have too.
[ Laughter ]
Now, you can tell how old you are
by which social-media platform you use.
Yeah.
Instagram -- you're still young enough to post bikini pics.
Okay.
TikTok -- You're too young!
Please go to bed or I will be contacting your legal guardian.
Okay?
Twitter -- You're probably over 30.
And Facebook -- I'm sorry to tell you this,
but you died several years ago.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I don't want to get too serious,
but I swear the older you get,
the more you wish you had someone to grow old with.
You know what I mean?
But as you get older, there are fewer and fewer options
in the dating pool, and nobody wants to do the breaststroke.
Okay?
What does that joke even mean? [ Laughter ]
I just wanted to say the word "breast" because --
[ Laughter ]
Besides, have you ever seen an old couple walking in a --
[ Laughter ]
Besides, have you ever seen an old couple walking arm in arm?
I mean, it looks cute at first.
But if you look closer, she's got a bad hip
and he's got a bad knee,
and they're really just holding each other up at that point.
You know?
It's like two drunks outside of a bar at 3:00 a.m.
[ Laughter ]
But at least they have each other.
[ Audience aws ]
Wow, sentimental, okay.
[ Laughter ]
As you get older, have you also noticed
it becomes so much harder to make friends?
Like, as a teen, you made friends by bonding over things
that you had in common,
like strict parents or finding new music you liked.
Now I'm like, "Wait, you have one really long hair
growing out of your chin, too? Same, same!"
[ Laughter ]
Getting older means you have to keep yourself healthy.
I couldn't do that when I was young.
But how are we supposed to be healthy when my generation
grew up with this as our food pyramid?
That's way too much bread, y'all!
[ Laughter ]
This isn't a guide for being healthy.
It's a tutorial on how to get your body
to look like that pyramid. [ Laughter ]
Got to get healthier.
Now, on the flip side, it isn't all bad getting older.
I mean, sure, there's wrinkles.
There's night sweats.
There's, you know, that thing when your neck melts slowly
and turns into a turkey gobble.
[ Laughter ]
What makes it all worth it
is when you get that cancellation text.
Yeah, nothing feels better than when you're old and tired
and you get to cancel plans.
[ Laughter ]
I also find that I'm way less judgmental now.
Because, yeah, my age,
I know no one's about to change for the better.
You know?
How you are is how you are.
You're fully cooked, my friend.
[ Laughter ] Okay?
So now you just sit back and wait
for the sweet relief of menopause,
which I'm personally really looking forward to because then
my mom will finally stop asking me when I'm having kids.