where are you living right now I'm close
to Chilliwack in British Columbia are
there speed-dating speed-dating all
unavailable there I don't know if
there's services like that but I I know
a lot of people are using apps on the
phone like tinder yeah one of the things
I like about speed dating like at least
once is because it gives you a chance to
talk to a very large number of women
very rapidly well first of all that's a
good way of its exposure right it's a
good way of overcoming that fear of
initial contact but I think it also
introduces you in a very blunt way to
the diversity of personality right
because what you'll find if you go on a
speed-dating
what retreat is that there'll be nothing
between you and the girl in many cases
there'll be something there sometimes
sometimes that's okay you know you don't
have to be attracted attractive to or
attracted to anyone everyone forcing
exposure to that wide variety of
experience in the short period of time
can be a good way of overcoming your
fear and my one of us just experienced
that fear too right so you got to figure
out how to overcome that and then I
would say with apps like tinder that's
trickier because the degree to which
sexual activity is implied in the
initial meeting you know and the initial
agreement to hookup is unclear but it
might be worthwhile just to make a rule
for yourself which is that you know
you'll go on 25 tender dates but you
won't engage in any physical contact
because it'll get you it'll it'll solve
that problem for you you know what I
mean and then you can concentrate on the
conversation and you can concentrate on
on overcoming this inexperience that you
have that that's that's interfering with
your progress forward but that good a
rule like that just makes it simple no
and you need rules like that and you
know you probably know this but maybe
you don't I mean your experience with
regards to being avoidant and afraid of
contact with women is by no means rare
it's unbelievably common among young men
and I think it is exacerbated by the
factors that you just described which is
that we're taught young men are taught
in particular that any show of even
confidence on their part
be interpreted as part of this toxic
masculinity and I think that well that's
a that's something that would have to be
unpacked for hours I mean what I would
say is that women generally like men who
have power but don't need to use it it's
something like that and women who are
who are uncertain and unsettled in the
relationships with men would rather for
their own safety that all men be
rendered powerless but that's not
helpful because it destroys erotic
attraction and then all that happens is
that men dup useless so it's not a
solution you know like to destroy
someone's power is no solution to taming
them right you want someone powerful but
civilized not someone weak so weak they
can't do anything wrong and I think the
message that young men get a lot in our
society is you should be so weak that
you can't do anything wrong
and that's a really bad message it
doesn't do anyone any good
I've been seeing that like it seems like
women are being told to be more
masculine and that it's a negative thing
for women to be feminine and a negative
for men to be masculine and even in
brenton where I was living I saw these
posters around the mall saying who says
women can't be leaders what's what's
wrong with throwing like a girl and
because it was being pushed on me so
much I felt like I was just accepting it
but now I'm sort of seen through that
but yeah I'm going to use that I think
that's great advice that you just gave a
minute yes well we also have to account
for the stunning popularity of Fifty
Shades of Grey you know there's all this
surface talk about about toxic
masculinity and the you know the
overbearing rape culture that's
characteristic of men and the the
attempt to what would you say
I suppose castrate would be the wrong
word but maybe I'll use it anyways but
then there's this underground desire
that's manifest in the attraction of
that sort of literature I mean that was
the fastest selling book in human
history
and so there's really something to be
said about that and the fact that those
two things can coexist at the same time
in the same culture as an indication of
just how how much conversation there
needs to be about what the proper role
of masculinity and feminine
and also how to organize sexual behavior
so that people are not pathologized by
it you know it's so interesting to me to
watch what's happening on the campuses
because uh and and that's emblematic of
what happens in the broader world I mean
at the same time we have discussions
about how absolutely every form of
sexual desire and behavior whatsoever is
entirely permissible we have the
increasing multiplication of regulations
above every single aspect of any sexual
interaction between a man and a woman I
mean those two things the fact that
those two things are happening at the
same time means that something is wrong
I mean maybe we should back off on the
idea that absolutely every form of
sexual interaction whatsoever is
permissible and desirable and
simultaneously back off on the
increasing enclosure of every of every
physical interaction in a web of laws
and regulations most of which are going
to be counterproductive and cause all
sorts of trouble
you