- Good evening and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
(crowd cheering)
Are you well?
(crowd cheering)
Excellent, I'm glad.
I'm also well, I had a migraine a few weeks ago.
I don't get them often enough to worry about
but I do get them every now and again.
And I thought I'll go on Twitter.
I'll ask people on Twitter
how they get rid of their migraines.
Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.
(crowd cheering)
I got the usual set of expected responses
and then my favourite one came up
and it said two Nurofen and a wank.
(crowd laughing)
And it totally worked.
(crowd laughing)
If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.
(crowd laughing)
Thanks, @bootsthechemist.
(crowd laughing)
About a year ago I had a sore throat for a bit too long,
went to see my doctor.
My doctor said, "I'm going to send you to see a specialist,
an ear, nose and throat specialist."
I said, "okay."
So off I go to see this fella, lovely fella he was.
He said to me, "do you suffer from acid reflux."
And I said, "no."
And then when i got home I realised I should've said yes
because my husband and I eat so many Rennies
that we call them bathroom sweets.
(crowd laughing)
He said "I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal."
I said, "after every meal or every time I've eaten?"
because those two are very different numbers.
(crowd laughing)
He said, "what I'd like to do is put a camera
down your throat so we can have a proper look at
what we're dealing with."
I said, "okay,"
And I thought this is the bit where he sends me away
and I come back in six months with a new appointment
and he went, "no, no, we can do that now."
Oh shit.
(crowd laughing)
So he took out this contraption, metal like this
and metal like this.
You need to know- the main thing you need to know is
that it's very rigid, none of it moves.
So I have to move because it wouldn't move.
And he put it down my throat
and I instantly gagged (mimics gagging)
and he pulled it out
and he said "are you going to be okay with this?"
And I went, "yes."
(crowd laughing)
And he put it back in. (mimics gagging)
I was mortified.
He said "Do me a favour, the next time you think you're
gonna gag, do this:"
(singing prolonged note)
I said, "why?"
He said "It stops you gagging."
And I thought, noted.
(crowd laughing)
My husband's gonna think he's
being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.
(crowd laughing)
(singing prolonged note) (chuckle)
And who knows, someday he might be.
No, I meant that we're pensioners,
I don't mean like for a present.
(crowd laughing)
Come on in Doris, he's ready for his gift now.
(singing) Happy birthday to- (prolonged note)
(crowd laughing)
I- I've got pets.
I've got two cats and a dog.
I'll tell you about those.
My cats, they don't always get on.
Sometimes they kinda chase each other,
looks a little bit aggressive.
So what I do to kind of break that up,
to try and distract them, is we use a laser pen.
You will have seen these.
So the cats will be chasing each other around,
then one, or both of them, will become transfixed
by a little red dot that has appeared
on the ceiling or the walls or the floor.
And it's so effective
that we've started using it in our own relationship.
(crowd laughing)
So I'll be saying something
like "all I want you to do when you've finished
with your wet towels is pop them in the-"
Ooh ooh ooh.
(crowd laughing)
Well whenever you have to introduce a new cat
into a house that already has a cat, there's always a bit
of aggro while they workout the hierarchy
then it settles down.
The day I knew our two were gonna be okay with each other
was the day that I walked into our bedroom
and they were lying on the bed like that.
They weren't quite spooning, but it was good enough for me.
I climbed on behind them, big mama spoon's getting on.
(crowd laughing)
I'll be the ladle, I don't know what that means.
(crowd laughing)
But by two minutes it was utter perfection
and then Broadie leaned over to Ripley, the little girl cat
and just started licking her arsehole.
(crowd laughing)
I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for this bit.
She was brilliant though, she was lying with her legs shut
like that.
As soon as he started licking her arsehole she went,
ah, that's lovely.
(crowd laughing)
[Voiceover] Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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and why not stick around to watch a few more?
I'm sure those emails or those dishes can wait a bit longer.