-Hey guys, so I know it's been like a year
since we all last got together,
but, uh, what have you guys been up to?
[dramatic music playing]
Guys... guys...
-You guys all look a lot fatter.
-Okay guys, so as I was saying earlier, how have you--
-We're up-seh--
-Tuh.
-Okay...
-With you.
-Okay, why?
-I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
-What?
-That's what she said.
-She? Who are you talking about?
-We're upset with you.
-All right, can one of you guys please explain,
'cause I don't know what she--
-Yo dawg, you haven't made a Skitzo in over a year.
-Yeah, you're too busy
making those stupid Off the Pill videos.
-I mean, it's been really hard to get all of you guys togeth--
-And those stupid whack songs.
Nobody wants to hear you sing, man.
-Oh, come on.
-You're barely even a comedian, let alone a musician.
-Nice Guys did pretty well.
-I didn't like it.
-Well not good enough
if Ray William Johnson pass you in subscriber.
[others gasp]
-All right, all right. You guys think it's so easy, huh?
You don't know what it's like
to have so many people to please.
You know what, go. Go make a video.
I wanna see you guys make a video, see what it--
-Done.
-But how did you guys...
When did you... like how did you--
-Shut up and play it!
-Lesson one: talk to your camera in a room by yourself
really fast, using a lot of hand motions
and moving your eyebrows a lot.
Hey guys, I'm Ryan Higa. I'm gonna be talking about
a bunch of things I don't like. I don't care if you guys
agree with me, I don't care if you do, I don't care if
the quality's bad, I don't care if there's a dog in my bed.
All I care about is Bieber Fever.
And then the video's done.
-Lesson two: make fake advertisements
that people don't even want.
Oh, look at me. I'm Ryan. I'm selling a product like...
Like this box with paper in it, and I just take one...
Wait... wait, it doesn't stop.
How-- this is... this is like a magical box!
It doesn't-- it's infinite!
I want it!
-Lesson three: be Asian.
-Lesson four: make Dear Ryan videos.
-Deer Ryan...
-Lesson five: create stupid videos about lamps
because you have no friends.
[soft pop music playing]
-Ughhhhh (Uh-huh)
Yeah (yeah, yeah)
I don't know what these sounds are (I don't know)
But uhhh (what the sounds are)
I'm sad... (so sad)
Girls don't seem to like me
And I'm such a nice lamp
Not anymore... (ohhh)
I never brighten a room
Or light up a shade
You can turn me on all night girl
And I'll never behave
And if your bulbs be burning out
I'll never inspect ya
'Cause I be plugging in your outlet
With no surge protector
L-l-like whoa
You ain't sitting on the table
Table's for the baddest
Take a sat on my cable
I only use you at night
Take your phone, I'll call it
But then until I hit you up
I put you back in the closet
[gasps] You're not a lamp.
-[feminine voice]: Well, to be quite honest...
[masculine voice]: I'm not even a girl.
-Teehee!
-Seriously?
-What?
-Is it like Pick on Ryan Day today or something?
-Well, we wouldn't have to team up on you
if you'd let us be on your team.
-What?
-We would like to play, right, Hanate?
Exactly, see? So let us play; we wanna help.
-That's right.
[all talking at once]
-All right, stop!
Why must we shout?
Why must we fight?
This is how it start.
It starts from a little pebble
and it grows into a big problem.
It doesn't matter if your skin is white or black
or...or green. It doesn't matter.
All that matter is that we work together
because, united, united [indistinct]
we stand.
-Amen. Amen.
[tender music playing]
-What the hell are you talking about?
-I don't know.