(banjo music)
(phone ringing)
- [Mother On Phone] Hi honey, how are you?
- I don't know, things aren't going well.
- [Mother] They're not? - No.
- [Mother] What happened?
- I'm on the Tennessee River.
- [Mother] Well how did you get
on the Tennessee River, I thought you
were supposed to be on the Mississippi?
- Apparently Mississippi was too dangerous,
so now we got to the Tennessee River and it looks like--
- [Mother] I know, there's supposed to be
really, really bad weather like flooding,
and tornadoes, you've got to get out of there.
- I do have to get out of there, thanks mom.
I love you.
- [Mother On Phone] Alright, well, love you baby, bye--
- We gotta get out of here!
(jet ski revving)
- The Mississippi was running hard and high.
Storms can get really rough.
You notice we never saw any other pleasure boats
on that river at all.
Dead bodies, everything, I mean, you know,
it's just the, it's the nation's sewer system,
you might see a dead cow floating by.
I mean you know, the people that live on the river
just roll their trash down the hill and in the river.
I mean God only knows how many stolen cars
are on the bottom of that river somewhere.
(dubstep music)
(banjo music)
- Li'l Minnow. - Yes?
- How many goats have we sent to Africa so far?
- 173 goats.
- I gotta inspire people, what gets people money?
- Gangs.
- Gangs?
I got an idea, throw me a phone.
Throw me another phone.
Kyle, it's Kurt.
- [Kyle] Hey, what's up?
- How you doing, man?
- [Kyle] I'm doing great man, just being dry.
- Listen, I'm thinking about starting a jet ski gang,
I was wondering if you're busy.
- [Kyle] Well yeah but do it buddy, let's do it.
- I'll see ya soon, buddy.
Let's do this shit.
(jet ski revving)
- God I love that man.
- So we start a jet ski gang, we're called the Wet Ones.
We had little pleather vests that we would wear.
- [Jet Ski Riders] Live free and die moist!
(Spanish music)
- [Kurt On Stage] Boom, just like that,
I had my very own jet ski gang.
- [Kurt] Wet Ones are mopping up hunger!
- [Kurt On Stage] And very quickly, I realized
I had no idea what to do with them.
- [Kurt] What does a jet ski gang do?
- I think we gotta do a brunch comedy show.
- If there's nothing I don't like more,
it's 11:00 a.m. stand-up comedy show.
- You don't wanna hit 'em at noon,
they're picking out their food, by one they're full.
- Let's do an 11:00 a.m. stand-up comedy show,
in the middle of Lake Pickwick.
- [Kurt On Stage] So of course,
we headed to the first biker bar we could find,
because I'm sure we'd totally fit in there.
Now, this place Freddy T's is kinda like if you took
an Applebee's, and then crammed it inside
a teen dance club from Miami,
and then filled it with bikers
and then put it in the middle of Tennessee.
It is a real fucked up place.
- I think before they start the show
they oughta take a moment, and thank all the veterans
in the United States of America,
because if we didn't have these freedoms that we got now,
we'd be in a communist motherfucking country.
- And so the whole audience is bikers,
and we're wearing pleather vests,
made to make fun of bikers.
So it's a very difficult situation we found ourselves in.
- I can't believe you guys all aren't
at work right now, bike gang.
(audience laughter)
We got the gang out, we got Big Bear, we got Earl.
We got Glitter Steve over there,
we got Sparkle Dave.
We got 'em all out.
We got Kissy Lips.
Did I get the names right, or was I wrong on 'em?
Is everybody just nervous or was it not funny?
(audience laughter)
I rode with the Dance City Prancers for a while.
I got tickled into that gang.
You ever get tickled in?
You don't wanna see what they do to get you out.
They just make you a big cake, and they wish ya well.
What's that?
Don't come out gay.
What's gonna give it away, this plastic vest I'm wearing?
There's a guy wearing the same thing over there.
Just don't be gay, let's all wear
the same leather colors together
and ride our motorbikes around town.
(audience laughter)
Hey, it's all just pink engine parts
when you get down to it, what does it matter?
Who cares, I've been watching a lot of gay porn lately.
I'm not gay, but I watch it,
because I want to be objective you know?
Like I'll watch it after the stuff I like to watch,
because that's when I can be open minded,
like once I get my demons out.
Click over, see what the fellas are up to, you know?
It's way tougher than any sport you can possibly like,
is two dudes banging each other.
It is way, way more tough.
Imagine watching football where everybody
on the field got along.
There's nothing to be scared of, it's two dudes,
doing MMA the right way.
(audience laughter)
If you're worried about your dick wiggling there Big Bear
that's on you man, I got no problem.
I'm picking on ya Big Bear,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Because you're the scariest one,
I'm going prison rules.
I'm not gonna punch ya, I'm just gonna make jokes at ya,
and hope that everybody gets on my side.
It's a matter of respect right now.
(audience laughter)
This has been awesome, get back out for Kurt.
- Kyle Kinane everybody, give it up!
Thank you guys so much for coming out,
let's get wet for goats!
I walked into that place, thinking we're gonna die.
But Kyle won these guys over in a way
that I never could have.
And then at the end of the show,
Kyle just gets on the back of the bike
with this dude named Big Bear,
and they take off.
Hey I don't know, is he going to the airport,
they're gonna go make meth together, I don't know.
But Kyle Kinane is one of the fucking good ones, man.
It was an amazing show.
Well here I go again on my own,
time to get back on the water.
What'd I do this morning?
Formed a jet ski gang,
and then we did a stand-up show for a bunch of bikers
in one of the weirdest bars I've ever been to.
We lost Kyle Kinane because he became best friends
with a biker, but that's how it goes
when you're on the road, I don't judge him.
But I still got a job to do.
I gotta send 500 goats and 1000 chickens to Africa.
In order to do that, I gotta make it 100 miles today.
Roustabout.
(dubstep music)
Hey, I risked my life in a biker bar,
but you don't have to do that.
All you have to do is click on this link
and donate to Heifer right now.
Come on, give 'em some money.
Bwah.