- I've known for a very long time
I'm a fusion between boy and girl.
I'm just stressing about not being feminine enough.
(foreign language)
It would be so much easier
if I just accepted the identity that people saw me.
Not having control over what your body is doing
is really terrifying.
- Big breath and then just speak.
- My name.
- [Doctor] Good.
- I am a trans woman now.
My chosen name is Mares.
I was born in Mexico.
I grew up here in Los Angeles.
I identify as a trans femme Latina.
Three months ago, one of my trans girlfriends asked
if I ever considered going
on hormone replacement therapy and asked me
if I wanted to borrow her testosterone blockers.
And ever since she offered it
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I kind of leaned into it and I was doing a lot of research
and I was watching a lot of YouTube and I was talking
to a lot of people just hearing the similarities
and trans women's experiences was really sobering
and like awakening to me.
I never really like vibed
with any man and boys and whole growing up.
Like I, I always had girlfriends
and it was kind of like grossed out by like what boys did.
And so finally I called my sister up
and I was like, Hey, I'm thinking about doing this.
And she's like, I completely support you
but go see a doctor
- [Dr Silverman] So your um,
your blood work is all in
your levels are actually, you know,
just kind of normal.
Your testosterone's 492
which, you know, means we have to give you
enough hormones to get that number down.
- When this gender counselor Quana asked me to
recall instances of my childhood or growing up where I felt
like I wasn't really male or masculine, it was a trip.
Just how many examples I could think of.
It was affirming to have a medical professional
say like oh, you've checked off
two out of three of the boxes.
It was one of those first steps where I was like, oh
like maybe I am trans.
Maybe this is something that I want to take on
and claim and own
- [Dr Silverman] What we talked about last time was
to try the injectable start
start with the 10 milligrams.
Do you have any questions about any of those things?
- Um, no but but I have questions on additional stuff.
The first one was about body hair, electrolysis.
Is that like in my near future?
Is that a possibility?
- I would definitely recommend that we wait
until you have some estrogen on board for awhile.
- I guess my last question is like
when do I go in and get that shot?
- So you can go in and get that shot
whenever you want to go in and get that shot.
- Shut up!
Thank you so much, Dr Silverman.
- [Dr Silverman] Congratulations, good luck to you.
- Thank you, thank you.
That's so amazing!
I just got approved for getting shots of estrogen
every other week, 10 milligrams.
So you have to be diagnosed, right with gender dysphoria,
for you to move forward with transgender services,
at least with Kaiser.
Right? So some of the questions they ask are
have you ever been unhappy
with your genitalia or your chest?
Like is, are, has it ever brought discomfort up for you?
Right? I said, no.
Like I've never really thought
about growing breasts or, you know, having a large chest
and fast forward to, I think this is like three days ago.
I wake up and I looked down
at my chest and the very first thought that I have
in my day is I hate you.
Once I grow big enough breasts I won't be able to
kind of be fluid anymore.
And people aren't going to read me as male anymore.
I'm not going to have that safety blanket
that I've been hiding under for so long.
One of my biggest fears
and anxieties through this transition process
has been losing my masculine privilege.
I just finished shaving and I have to say after five years
of not doing so,
it was horrible.
Just to give you a little visual, how much hair I had
on my body.
Yeah. There she is.
Terrible. You know, what really sucks is the fact
that when I don't shave and I don't do my makeup people
mis-gender me a lot more, but I guess it's just
like inherent, right?
And the way that we interpret gender, it's like, oh
facial hair and no makeup.
That means it's a man
Growing breasts or becoming more feminine or being read
as more feminine is almost like a contract
in the sense that I'm choosing to give away
this male privilege
that I've gained throughout my life,
which I've never liked
but I still benefited from.
I've been facing a lot of like doubt recently.
I'm just stressing about not being feminine enough
A really common narrative is this idea
of being a woman trapped in a man's body
which I think is very appropriate for some people.
But to think that every trans person feels that way
is binding.
Really ingrained social conventions are pretty much
what gives trans folks
like me, anxiety, like this whole idea that we have to live
up to the certain image, what it means to transgress
what it means to transcend what it means to
be transgender is feeling more comfortable
with the fluidity of feeling more comfortable
with different manifestations of your gender.
Having to dress a certain way
for other people to read me as females.
It's kind of frustrating.
I am going to have to come
to terms with being a masculine woman.
I'm going to have to come to terms with
being a trans-presenting woman, question mark?
One of the saddest things that happens in every community
including the trans community is this whole policing
of gender.
Some trans women being like girl, you ain't fish
or you don't look like a woman.
So how can you call yourself a woman?
It makes me wonder if this is something that's necessary.
If this is something that I need to do to be read,
understood, and feel like a woman.
Today was a pretty interesting day.
I worked really late and on my walk home
I experienced something that I'd never really
experienced before, which was, was like
intense, dread, fear
about getting to my car safety without harassment.
That's not something I ever really had to worry about.
I think one of the biggest questions that are coming up is
like this very deep problem of having to control everything.
Navigating the world as male, as masculine
as a man, has helped me with that
and I learned how to use my masculinity
for power, for resources, for attention.
I just met with Quana
for like my first legit therapy counseling session.
I felt really good to have a lot
of these narratives that I taught myself checked.
Every time somebody says, you're beautiful
every time someone says you're amazing,
I'm like, girl, you don't know me.
And I need to accept a genuine compliment.
This is the first crack, like
in a protective shell that I've kind of like built
up around me
The struggles that women go through
and all the atrocities that trans women experience
and all the oppression that women of color face
it's just like, oh, I have this whole new layer
of experiences that I haven't been normalized to
that I haven't grown up experiencing,
that I haven't internalized
that I haven't gotten comfortable
with yet that anxiousness of like, what's next.
And what's going to happen that I haven't thought about.
I just finished seeing Lady Gaga
and it was really awesome experience.
I went to the restroom to the women's restroom.
I think that's the first time I've used a bathroom
in like a large, large public space.
Like there's like a ton of women.
I dunno, I guess I'm just afraid.
I'm afraid for my safety and
I'm afraid for my emotional health
but I was also really inspired by the community
and the fact that like, I'm a trans woman now
(upbeat music)
I'm really excited about fem solidarity
womanhood and sisterhood.
There's definitely a lot of fears that are coming up
but I think I'm most excited to be understood as
and be able to connect with other women.
So I'm currently on the way to get
my first shot of estrogen.
I'm pretty nervous, but I know
that this is the right next step, so
wish me luck.
(upbeat music)