doesn't matter how exciting the news is
my mom's face always looks depressed
most exciting news in the world
depression on the face
it's your sister's birthday
[Applause]
your brother's getting married
that sucks mom
i'm asian by the way so quit looking at
me like a math problem
i'm actually filipino that's an ion
filipino
filipina don't clap that's my mom
my mom's filipino that's the crazy thing
about filipinos we're asians we just
look mexican
yeah we look mexican but the way you can
tell is just our p's and our f's
like my mom's been living in this
country for 36 years
she still can't get her p's and her abs
right to save her life she could see him
just at the wrong time
like growing up she'd be like joseph
joseph
do you want breakfast
huh
huh joseph do you want breakfast
and she always do this dip i don't even
know where this is just at what do you
want breakfast
aren't you okay
do you want breakfast do you want do you
want some frosted plagues joseph
you hear that all your life you're like
what the [ __ ] are you talking about
i don't know how my mom did it you know
i mean my mom's amazing you know i mean
she had two kids that were living at
home at the time when she was you know
when she was single you know and she
raised both of us uh really well she was
amazing she became the mother and the
father and the reason why i tell you
that is because she reminded us every
[ __ ] day
there wasn't a day that my mom didn't
tell us that just me and my sister just
playing in the room and playing around
and then my mom would just come into the
room and go i just want your kids to
know one thing
i'm the mother
and the brother
i bring home the bacon and i cook that
[ __ ]
my mom was tough as [ __ ] i dare anybody
to [ __ ] with my mom's kids yeah anyway
my mom was 4 10. she'll fight anybody
she didn't give a [ __ ] that's how tough
my mom was i remember one time i was at
a shoe store and i was [ __ ] up the
shoe wall you know the shoe display wall
[ __ ] it up just put shoes all over
the place right and the salesman saw me
he was like hey get the [ __ ] out of here
[ __ ] up the shoe i'll get the [ __ ]
out he's cursing at me right he didn't
know my mom was in the back of the store
he couldn't see her
she's 4 10.
my mom popped around the corner she was
like hey who are you talking to
you don't talk to my children like that
who are you huh i want to speak to the
manager
and the guy started making fun of my
mom's accent oh you wanna specific to
the manager
i don't wanna talk
and my mom goes oh that's funny
you're making fun of my accent
i live in your country and i speak two
languages tagalog and english you live
here how many do you speak one you're
stupid
so the guy started cursing at my mom
right he's like you know what i don't
need to hear this [ __ ] get the [ __ ] out
of my store take your kid and get the
[ __ ] out of my store right so my mom
started cursing back right
i've seen my mom cursed before but we
never seen her get into a cursed fight
and when you curse certain words go
together but my mom takes whatever curse
word she knows and throws him at you
he's like get the [ __ ] out of my store
my mom goes oh yeah you son of a [ __ ]
[ __ ] your [ __ ] has a difficult [ __ ] in
it and your [ __ ] her mother mother she
is [ __ ] your [ __ ]
[Applause]
i looked at my sister did mom just say
mother [ __ ]
i was in australia i had to go to london
and then uh i just came from the
philippines i did a show in the
philippines
but one thing i didn't miss about coming
home is uh traffic like i didn't miss
that it doesn't matter where you're at
in america our traffic is
it's the war and here's the thing about
americans we we live on road rage
we invented that
right we should be proud of that
when people fly into america it just say
america home of road rage
because we're good at it aren't we we're
me i'm the worst
when someone cuts me off i'm that guy
that speeds up what what
what what what what
what and then when they act like they're
gonna do something i reach what a what
yeah
there's like something over here yeah
[Applause]
i'm that guy i'm a jerk
road rage oh i'm the sh at road rage
cause i'm in a car my windows are rolled
up the doors are locked
you can't with me
you cut me off ooh you know what i do
this is my favorite one when they cut me
up i go like this i go what
what hulk hog high beam hi beam hi beam
hi beam hi dean hi beam i know it's day
time hi beam hi beam hi beam
you know who's the worst at road rage
women
[Applause]
right women are the worst at road cut a
woman off that's the worst mistake
you'll ever make
i cut this chick off one time i looked
in the rear view she was standing on the
front seat
[Applause]
you saw me you saw me you saw me you
stopped you're dead
you're dead you you you're dead
if i lost something i lost it my mom
would never help us find [ __ ] right
normal parents
normal parents help their [ __ ] kids
right normal parents it's like okay did
you lose something your keys what
was it in your pants well what jeans
were you wearing jeans well let's look
for those jeans that's how you [ __ ]
help your kids find [ __ ] not my mom if i
lost something i can guarantee my mom's
right behind me [ __ ] with me
right she enjoys that [ __ ] if i'm
looking under the couch i guarantee my
mom's right behind me like oh what what
what what's under what's under the couch
jose
you is it your kids did you lose your
kids again
or maybe they walk under the couch like
that
[Applause]
now i gotta ask my mom for help that's
the worst mistake i can make mom i'm
late for work do you know where my keys
are jose
did you just ask me
where your keys are
isn't that a stupid question
that is a stupid question joseph excuse
me person that does not drive my car
do you know where my keys are
that is stupid jose
why don't you ask me where my keys are
i'll know the answer to that
go ahead joseph ask me come on
ask me right now
mom do you know where your keys are of
course i do
of course i do jose
i know where my kids are all the time
you know why joseph because i put them
in the same place that i always put my
keys i hang them over here oh on this
wooden plaque
that says keys
[Applause]
joseph when you lose something do you
use your eyes to look for him
or do you use your mouth
because every time you lose something
joseph you use your mouth to find
something
you can't find anything like that jose
you just walk around has anybody seen my
kids
i don't know where my kids are i play
forward open your eyes
[Music]
i can't fight dude i'm i'm a [ __ ] i
i'm a [ __ ] dude i don't even know how
to stand
at the beginning of a fight
you know i mean like when they're
yelling at you i just
[Applause]
i'm a [ __ ] dude
i can't fight dude if you don't know how
to fight here's the thing don't take
self-defense classes don't buy a gun
don't do anything just just scream
who's gonna find a guy screaming at the
top of his lungs
like right when he's about to punch you
just
[Applause]
who's gonna find a guy screaming like a
[ __ ]
i'll pull my pants down and start peeing
up
[Laughter]
i am a [ __ ] dude i don't care
you guys are laughing but you're
thinking to yourself that might work
[Applause]
i wish we could fight like monkeys man
when monkeys get mad they crap in their
hand and they throw it
how cool is that
who's gonna find a guy with a lump of
crap in his hair
think about it
the final stop right when it begins
it's like are you sure you want to do
this
it's a lot of corn i'll throw
no one's going to fight a guy with a
lump of crap in his hand
even a guy with a gun will be like hey
put that crap down
put the crap down no
i'll throw it
any new parents out there this is my
only suggestion right now this is the
only thing i can give you as another
parent is take a lot of pictures and
take a lot of video tape as much as you
can and actually every time your kid
goes mommy pick me up daddy care me pick
them up carry them don't look at them
girl you got legs walk don't do that
[ __ ]
because they grow up that fast and
there's gonna come a time where they
don't want you to pick him up anymore
and you're gonna miss those [ __ ] days
i'm gonna hold my son until he's 20. i
don't give a [ __ ]
we're gonna be at the mall my son's been
like dad this is ridiculous
it's ripping burp side
take a lot of video capture every moment
it's called evidence
everything that makes your son cry or be
sad get it on tape use it against them
the worst day of my son's life was his
first day of school
he didn't want to go to school kept
crying till three o'clock in the morning
crying all night i don't want it what is
good daddy
i always
[Music]
go to
sleep it's three o'clock in the morning
going to bed baby you're gonna have fun
in school you get to learn things in
school you get to meet new friends in
school you get to play with your new
friends at recess you're gonna have fun
baby
daddy's gonna take you to school so why
are you scared i'm going to be there for
you
and then i was like oh [ __ ] i got to get
the camera
i got to get all this crying on tape
that way when he gets older and starts
talking [ __ ]
i got that tape
because you know how little boys are
when they're 16 they talk [ __ ] to their
dads it's like dad why are you with dick
all the time i go really and i pop the
tape in what about that
[ __ ] but that didn't happen i brought
him to his first day of school my son
grew up just like that right before my
eyes turned into a little man teacher
said his name he walked right past me i
tried to kiss him he did that matrix
[ __ ] on me
standing in the single file line like
this holding his backpack and these two
little boys that obviously went to
preschool together they're in the same
class and they run up behind my son this
is gonna be fun we're gonna have a
kindergarten we're gonna have fun
my son doesn't even know these kids but
he keeps looking at him trying to engage
in some type of conversation like yeah
this is gonna be fine
i'm gonna be your friend
look at my ting ting
i'm across the auditorium i'm recording
everything and he sees me so i mouth to
him i go i love you
i love you
and my son goes like this
what a dick right
and then the teacher goes all right
we're going to take your kids to class
and even if your kid starts crying don't
come with us because we're trying to
break that bond parents stay in the
auditorium i go all right now my son's
going to cry reality check daddy's got
to leave so i run up to my son i'm
trying to squeeze one tear out of this
[ __ ]
i'm saying mean [ __ ] too like daddy's
gotta go
that's a lot of scary people here
my son goes like this so what daddy
just go
get out of here
and i was like this
okay
you don't you don't have to say so loud
i just want you to know i made you a
sandwich
and i put gogurt in your backpack
and it's a caprese
and uh if you are still hungry daddy put
three dollars in your pocket so you're
gonna get
i leaned in and kissed him like this and
he put his little baby hand on my face
just like that so cute
and he goes move
he [ __ ] pushed my face
and walked out that door with those two
boys he just met in line and now they
think he's king [ __ ] cause he just
bitch-slapped his dad
so i stopped him you're not going to
punk me i don't give a [ __ ] if you're
five
i was like joe turn around daddy's gotta
talk to you turn around he's like what
do you want daddy
i'm with my friends
his one friend's like you okay joe
i got this
what do you want daddy
i go baby i just want you to know one
thing before you go to class okay
i just want you know that i uh
i could have pulled out
what are you talking about daddy i'm
just saying you could have ended up on a
pillowcase or a shirt
daddy what are you talking about
i'm just saying your mommy could have
swallowed you i'll think about 2 15.
[Music]