Oowee.
Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you,
but what people call "love"
is just a chemical reaction
that compels animals to breed.
It hits hard, Morty.
Then it slowly fades.
Leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
I did it.
Your parents are gonna do it.
Break the cycle, Morty.
Rise above.
Focus on science.
Pretty specific pitch, Summer.
I probably could turn myself into a teenager
and hang out in the zit covered, hormone addled,
low-stakes, ass world that is high school.
But here's my reverse ask.
Why in the f***
would I ever do that, ever?
And how dare you even ask me that?
And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?
Dad?
Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie.
Rick, since it's my adventure and all,
could you do me a favor?
Er, the adventure is the favor, Morty.
Me sleeping on these linens is the favor.
I mean, w—what are we vindicating?
Comfort?
We don't have to do anything, Morty.
This is just a structural guide.
We're obviously going to impart our own style.
I don't like how meta this is getting Rick.
Shut up, Morty.
You're 14.
You watch videos of people on YouTube
reacting to f***ing YouTube.
I'll be the judge of when we get too meta.
I always knew your hormones
would cause a world war
between humans and cannibalistic horse people.
I just didn't know it would be like this.
I can't change my nature.
What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable?
Everyone can change their nature, Morty.
It's what defines our species.
Morty, you've got to turn into a car.
What?
A long time ago,
I implanted you with a subdermal chip
that can call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream
to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car.
Oh my God.
Concentrate, Morty.
Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.
Never mind. Here's a taxi.
Get in. It's fine.
Nobody gets it.
Nothing you think matters, matters.
This isn't special.
This—this is happening infinite times,
across infinite realities.
Including this?
Yes.
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around and it's all scary and different, but
you know, meeting them head on,
charging right into 'em like a bull ...
That's how we grow as people.
Why are they attacking us?
I helped them.
You gave them proof that there was something bigger
and scarier to unite against, you little idiot.
They would have gone back into the Dark Ages
for a couple of generations.
But instead, they dedicated themselves
into making universe destroying,
unthought out technology like time travel.
All so they can try to kill a little sh*t-sack on Earth
who couldn't let a dead snake be dead
even after it bit his ankle!
Next time, stay in the f***ing car.
Oh God, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest working liver in the galaxy, Morty.
And now it has a hole in it.
I hope it was worth it.
I was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Listen to your sister, Morty.
To live is to risk it all.
Otherwise, you're just an inert
chunk of randomly assembled molecules
drifting wherever the universe blows you.
And then we're going to go on
even more adventures after that, Morty.
And you're going to keep your mouth shut about it, Morty.
Because the world is full of idiots
who don't understand what's important.
And they'll tear us apart, Morty.
But if you stick with me,
I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty.
And you're going to be part of 'em.
And together we're gonna run around, Morty.
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty.
Just you and me, Morty.
The outside world is our enemy, Morty.
We're the only friends we've got, Morty.
It's just Rick and Morty.
Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty.
Rick and Morty forever
and forever a hundred years.
Rick and Morty, some things ...
I understand you're upset, Mr. President.
It's honestly all Morty's fault
but in the meantime,
you really want to keep your army of
pointlessly camouflaged Eagle Scouts
off my lawn.
Don't tell me what I want,
you anti-American piece of sh*t.
You terrorist.
You know, you use that word so much,
it's lost all meaning Mr. P.
It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist?
It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.
I see what's happening here. You're both young.
You're both unsure about your place in the universe.
You both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
I can fix this.
Morty, sit here.
Summer, you sit here.
Now, listen.
I know the two of you are very different
from each other in a lot of ways
but you have to understand
that as far as Grandpa's concerned,
you're both pieces of sh*t.
Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.
Actually, let me grab my whiteboard.
This has been a long time coming anyway.
Listen, Jerry.
I—I don't wanna overstep my bounds or anything.
It's your house. It's your world.
Your a real Julius Caesar.
But I'll tell you som— Tell you how—
How I feel about school, Jerry.
It's a waste of time.
Bunch of people running around, bumping into each other.
Guy up front says "two plus two".
People in the back say "four".
They they—then the bell rings.
They give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper
that says you can go take a dump or something.
I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.
And I know that's not a popular opinion,
that's my two cents on the issue.
I thought I was torturing him.
Oh, and this disappoints you?
Do I tell him we don't have a deal, Morty?
Because if we could kill our enemies,
but we can't jack them off,
then how are we better than them?
I'm the Rick.
And so were the rest of you
before you formed this stupid alliance.
You wanted to be safe from the government,
so you became a stupid government.
That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.
Yeah.
Yeah. Murmur it up, D-Bags.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top of them.
They're about to hit that critical point
of syrup absorption that turns the cakes
into a gross paste.
And I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it,
but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake
with syrup on top.
And I think we also like to be accused of crimes
when there's evidence.
So, as they say in Canada,
"peace oot."
What?
Every hospital claims
they have the best doctor in the galaxy.
It's like those pizza places
that claim to have the best pizza in the world.
What, do you think they have pizza contests?
Have you ever been to a pizza contest?
Go in the waiting room, Dad.
Fine.
Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable.
Eventually everything either is or isn't.
Pack your sh*t.
That's only going to keep 'em down
for a little bit, Morty.
You f***ed with squirrels, Morty.
We got a good five minutes
before they're backing up on our ass, Morty.
We have to pack up and move to a new reality, Morty.
You know we— I said we could only do that
a couple of times.
We're f***ed over here
because of these damn squirrels.
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Morty. I'll grab myself.
You grab yourself, okay?
I mean, that— That seems fair to me.
I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.
Rick.
What about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty?
The answer is, don't think about it.
It's not like we could do this every week anyways.
We get three or four more of these tops.
Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
Haste makes waste.
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe.
Because I'm the smartest
and being nice is something
stupid people do to hedge their bets.
Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little
I trust marriage.
I couldn't make it work,
and I could turn a black hole into a sun so ...
At a certain point you got to ask yourself,
what are the odds this is legit?
Not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves
because we're afraid to die alone.
Because you know,
that's exactly how we all die.
Alone.
Oh, boy.
Oh, Dad.
Am I a joke to you?
Yes, you are a f***ing joke.
You f***ing suck.
You've always sucked.
You— You know why we haven't fought in years?
Because you're an embarrassment to me
and I don't need you anymore.
I don't need anybody.
All I do is eat ass
and 69 Nintendos, bro.
"Top it off?"
Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is?
And you added it to my portal fluid.
Only because you don't trust me.
Oh, that's great logic, Morty.
Forgive me
for not doing
the kissy chef gesture,
since you probably spilled this sh*t everywhere
and I don't want to teleport my lips.
I did— I did not spill it.
I won't take your word for that and I shouldn't have to.
Which is why I have sidekick rules.
If you can't follow them—
I can be replaced.
Yeah. Yeah. So you keep telling me.
Excuse me?
Did you just try to call my bluff?
Have you ever seen me bluff?
I'm not a cow.
I'm a pickle.
When I feel like it.
So ...
you asked.