Do you want to know how to improve emotional intelligence in children?
Well, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach self-government
which means that a person learns how to master themselves, this requires
emotional intelligence. And so, that's what we're going to be talking about in this video.
Emotions are part of who we are and we shouldn't call emotions bad.
But we also shouldn't cater to every emotion that we have either. So, emotional intelligence
is when a person recognizes what an emotion is. Basically, a person says, "Oh, there's a
cue. I feel an emotion right now." That's a flag. It's a sign that something needs to be addressed.
Either there's a problem outside of the person or there's a problem on the inside of the person.
And that person needs to address it and make a plan for how to move forward. The emotion if
catered to puts the person in emotional bondage. But if the person has emotional intelligence,
then that person is free to choose what to do with that emotion because they know what it is and they
know it's up to their front part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex to make a plan for how
to handle that emotion and the possible problem associated with it. So, in this video, I'm going
to share with you 6 things that we can do to help our children improve their emotional intelligence
and find the freedom and strength to know that they can make a choice. Number 1, improve
family bonding. So, the family is the first social unit in a person's life. It's the first and most
basic social unit in all of society. If a person feels bonded to their family, believe it or not,
that helps them have the freedom that they need to analyze what's going on inside. If there's
disconnection and dysfunction within the family, the person has a hard time feeling like they
have the energy or even the know-how to analyze what's going on in their own brain with their
own emotions and then they end up stuck. Some of the ways that we can improve our family bonding
is by discussing and planning together as a group. One thing that we do in the Peck family is we have
regular family meetings. So, every Sunday at our house is family meeting night. And we talk about
the things that our family is working toward. We also have a family vision which is a plan
or a picture of who our family is becoming in the future. This family vision helps unite us gives us
something to talk about when we feel like we need to check up on how our family relationships are
doing. Family bonding also requires time. There are multiple different ways that we can spend time
with our families. We can have family activities which I highly recommend scheduling one family
activity at least one every week as a family. But also, we can work together as families. Don't
forget the beautiful bonding time, the memories that are made when a family works together. Plus
you'll be teaching your children life skills at the same time. The second thing that we
can do to improve emotional intelligence in our children is to teach them about roles and to honor
family roles. Now, I know you're thinking, "How is this helping my child get in tune with their
emotions?" Well, because they get to understand leadership when they understand the family roles.
So, when you teach your children about parental leadership and how they are supposed to be the
student or the learner from the parents and the parents are supposed to be the teacher, then
they become aware that there are certain forces or certain people that should be in charge of others.
This helps them trust you and your analysis of what is going on within themselves. If they
are going to become emotionally intelligent, they have to have someone to discuss the emotions with.
They need to know who they go to for direction and to staff this emotional situation with.
You should be that person. You are the leader. The other thing that roles teach the children is that
in their bodies, they have to pick who the leader is. So, our bodies are made up of 3 different
forces. We've got the body voice which talks about all of the emotions it's our senses, our cravings,
stuff like that. Then we have the intellect which does the analyzing and the thinking and
planning out. And then we have the heart voice. The voice that tells us what's right and wrong,
good and bad, true and false. And that's where our will is rooted. These 3 voices work together
in order to help a person maintain their emotional stability. So, if a person is emotionally
intelligent, they understand the roles that are happening within them too. And they decide who
gets to be the leader. Is the body going to be the leader? Because if the body is always the leader,
then everything becomes about the sensual and the senses and the cravings and the comfort and the
desire and the what I feel. We can have feelings but we shouldn't have our feelings be the leaders.
If so, we end up ruining relationships and not being able to solve our problems very well.
So, who should be the leader within us? So, the brain does a great job of helping to decide that.
Especially if you've already planned ahead of time who the leader is. The leader though
should not be the brain because the brain is like a puppet and it can be easily swayed by emotion or
by the will. So, that means our heart voice or our voice of the will should be the one
that is leading out. So, if you've decided ahead of time, I want to be in control of my
emotions. I want to make decisions and analyze them and decide which way to move forward,
then you know that your will already has a craving to be the one in charge. To find the truth
which is usually the job of the heart or will. Or some people call it the spirit of the person. So,
if your heart is in charge, then the moment the person feels an emotion, they can say,
"Wait, that's an emotion. What is my will? Do I want to follow that emotion? Wait,
no. What should I do instead so that it can engage the logic or the brain to start doing the analysis
to help the person not feel like they are a victim to their emotions anymore." Number 3,
self-assessment. Teach your children that it's okay to have self-assessments. In fact, one of
the ways we teach our children to self-assess is by analyzing them. So, we praise them when things
go well, we correct them when they need to make improvements. This teaches them that they should
also be self-assessing themselves. And it also shows them if we do it with calmness and caring,
that self-assessment is safe, it's okay. The teaching self-government program that I've created
is all about embracing self-assessment and making plans for better decisions and understanding and
managing those emotions that people feel and that might get in the way. To find more
out about the teaching self-government parenting program, you might want to look for my parenting
course at teachingselfgovernment.com. Number 4, teach a person how to say okay and be okay. So,
in the teaching self-government program, we have 4 basic skills that we teach to children. All of
those 4 basic skills require a person to keep a calm face, voice, and body which means that they
choose to be okay and to drop the subject. They also say okay. When a person gives instruction
they say okay. When they get a no answer they say okay. When there is a negative consequence
to one of their behaviors, they say okay. When they disagree appropriately and another person
does not agree with them or give them what they want, they say okay and they drop the subject.
Teach them that it's okay to say okay and to be okay. This brings me to number 5
which is disagreeing appropriately. If you want to improve the emotional intelligence in your child,
teach them how to communicate and disagree with somebody else in an appropriate way. This process
of seeking to understand and then be understood is exactly what they have to do within themselves
in their brains. And it helps them also understand where other people are coming from. So, the skill
disagree appropriately is the gateway skill to self-government. If a person learns this skill,
that launches them on the path to self-mastery. There are multiple steps to this skill.
You look at the person, keep a calm face, voice, and body. Say that you understand
the other person's point of view, share your point of view. Listen to what they have to say
and then say okay and drop the subject. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to agree with the
person but you have to just accept that's where they're coming from. Sometimes, you can change a
person's opinion. In fact, there are certain ways that we use this disagree appropriately skill as
parents to help our children learn even more that they are able to control themselves by using this
skill. So, the teaching self-government parenting course goes into great detail about how to help
your children master this skill and choose not to go out of control when they don't get their way.
Number 6, point the children toward calmness. So, emotions are things that put us in a state where
we feel like we're not regulated properly. So, help them figure out what state they need to be in
in order to feel in control of themselves. That is a state of calmness. When they feel like
they're not going to be controlled by what's going on outside of them because they have
complete comfort and calmness and control on the inside. When a person has emotional intelligence,
they choose to seek for that calmness instead of seeking for dominance or for pushing their
emotions on other people, trying to control and manipulate, they know that if they hold a power,
a power called calmness, this will help them be more understood than dumping and vomiting
their emotions on other people. Emotions are important but they never truly are understood
unless a person shares them with love and calmness. If you need more help sharing with love
and calmness to your children, if your children need more help communicating calmly, then you
might want to have my free calm parenting toolkit. Because you have listened to this video, I'm going
to give it to you completely free. If you click on the link in the description to this video,
it will take you to the calm parenting toolkit on my website and you can have access completely
free. This toolkit will give you some of the tools that you need to start on your teaching
self-government journey and it will help you better analyze yourself and teach your children
how to analyze themselves and choose calmness. Click on the link below. You won't regret it.