WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN TO "LATE SHOW"." COLBERT.
I HOPE EVERYBODY OVER THERE, EVERYBODY OUT THERE IS HAVING A
HAPPY THURSDAY. IT HAS NOT BEEN-- YEAH.
YEAH. THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR
REPRESENTING. IT'S NOT BEEN A HAPPY WEEK FOR
FORMER PRESIDENT, THE FLABRADOR RECEIVER.
TOMORROW, BOTH HIS LAWYERS AND THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE ARE
SUPPOSED TO SUBMIT THEIR SUGGESTIONS FOR A SPECIAL MASTER
TO REVIEW THE STUFF THEY FOUND AT MAR-A-LAGO.
THING IS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT MIGHT NOT BE GETTING THE BEST
LEGAL ADVICE, BECAUSE HE IS REPORTEDLY HAVING A DIFFICULT
TIME FINDING LAWYERS TO REPRESENT HIM.
WHAT? BUT WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO JOIN
THE ILLUSTRIOUS RANKS OF JAILED GUY, MAGICAL MR. MUSTACHE,
MADAME MEOW MEOW, AND DR. HEAD JUICE?
( LAUGHTER )
DR. HEAD JUICE. OF COURSE, ONE POSSIBLE REASON
LAWYERS DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR THE EX-PRES IS THAT DOING SO
PUTS THEM AT RISK OF BEING DISBARRED FOR BREAKING THE LAW.
AND THEY DON'T EVEN GET PAID TO BREAK THE LAW.
BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS A REPUTATION FOR IGNORING BILLS,
TO WHICH ERIC SAID, "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BILL!
I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL!" RIGHT NOW, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
IS STRUGGLING STRUGGLING MIGHTILY TO FIND A GOOD LAWYER.
BECAUSE HIS CURRENT LEGAL TEAM CONSISTS OF A FLORIDA INSURANCE
A FEDERAL CASE, A FORMER HOST LAWYER WHO'S NEVER HAD AT
FAR-RIGHT "ONE AMERICA NEWS," AND A PAST GENERAL COUNSEL FOR A
PARKING GARAGE COMPANY.
MUCH, BUT PLEASE LET THIS GO TO TRIAL.
( APPLAUSE )
THE PROSECUTION FORGOT TO GET THEIR CHARGES VALIDATED AT THE
JAMBA JUICE!"
PAY HIS LAWYERS, HE HAS SOME FUN WITH IT.
BECAUSE WE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT ONCE TRIED
TO PAY A LAWYER WITH A HORSE. I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE
SURPRISED. AFTER ALL, HE DID DESCRIBE
HIMSELF AS A STABLE GENIUS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
TALK ABOUT GENIUS RIGHT THERE. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
BACK IN THE 1990s, THE FORMER PRESIDENT OWED AN ATTORNEY
$2 MILLION DOLLARS, BUT WHEN HE CAME TO COLLECT, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TOLD HIM, "I'M NOT GOING TO PAY YOUR BILL.
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING MORE VALUABLE.
I HAVE A STALLION. IT'S WORTH $5 MILLION."
HAVE A BRIDGE I'D LIKE TO SELL AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, I YOU.
AND IT'S A HORSE.
TO BE HELPING DEMOCRATS IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION, BECAUSE
THE CONTINUED DOMINANCE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT WITHIN HIS
PARTY ALLOWS DEMOCRATS TO REFRAME THE MIDTERMS AS A CHOICE
"EXTREMISM THAT THREATENS THE BETWEEN "NORMAL" AND VERY
FOUNDATIONS OF OUR REPUBLIC." NOW, THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN EASY
DECISION, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT AMERICANS EAT?
( LAUGHTER )
( AS CUSTOMER )
ONLY 75 CENTS MORE, I GUESS GIVE ME THE CODE-RED FASCIST BAJA
BLAST!"
DOES THAT-- DOES THAT COME WITH GUAC?
DOES THAT COME WITH GUAC?
SEASON, THE MINORITY PARTY MAKES GAINS IN CONGRESS.
BUT NOTHING ABOUT THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW IS NORMAL.
SO WHILE THE G.O.P. IS STILL EXPECTED TO WIN THE HOUSE,
POLLING SITE FIVETHIRTYEIGHT CURRENTLY GIVES DEMOCRATS A 70%
CHANCE TO KEEP CONTROL OF THE SENATE.
AND--
THAT IS GREAT. AND KEEP IN MIND,
FIVETHIRTYEIGHT IS NEVER WRONG. JUST ASK PRESIDENT HILLARY
CLINTON. SO WHAT'S GIVING THE DEMS THIS
APPARENT EDGE? WOMEN, IN PARTICULAR, ARE
FURIOUS--
OVERTURNING OF "ROE V. WADE." IN FACT, AFTER THE SUPREME COURT
DECISION CAME DOWN, WOMEN'S VOTER SIGN-UPS SURGED.
BIG MISTAKE, SUPREME COURT.
YOU DID THAT-- YOU GOT TO TAKE AWAY WOMEN'S
RIGHT TO VOTE BEFORE YOU TOOK AWAY THEIR RIGHT TO CHOOSE.
AND THE DEMOCRATS ARE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO PUT
ABORTION ON THE BALLOT. THEY SPENT $92 MILLION ON
ADVERTISING ALREADY MENTIONING THE ISSUE, COMPARED TO $5.6
MILLION IN THE LAST MIDTERMS. AH, 2018.
A SIMPLER TIME. WHEN WOMEN STILL HAD BODILY
AUTONOMY, WE WERE POPPIN' TIDE PODS LIKE TIC TACS, AND A LITTLE
BAT IN CHINA WAS SAYING TO HIS FRIENDS, "GUYS, I'M SURE IT'S
FOR THEIR PART, FOR THEIR JUST ALLERGIES." PART,
THE G.O.P. KNOWS--
( LAUGHTER )
BACK THOSE FOLKS WHOSE RIGHTS THEY JUST TOOK AWAY.
SO, SOME OF THEIR MALE CANDIDATES HAVE BEGUN PUTTING
THEIR WIVES IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS YOU VOTERS IN TV ADS. RESPECT
WOMEN LIKE MAKING ONE DO YOUR JOB FOR NO MONEY.
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE REPUBLICANS WANT TO THIS YEAR, AND NOT JUST MAKE IT
THAT WAY. BECAUSE THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF
POLL WORKERS, DUE IN NO SMALL PART TO AN INCREASED LEVEL OF
THREATS TOWARDS ELECTION OFFICIALS AND WORKERS DRIVEN BY
ELECTION DENIERS. WHICH IS OUTRAGEOUS.
POLL WORKERS ARE JUST DOING THEIR JOBS: TAKING 15 MINUTES TO
LOOK UP YOUR NAME IN THE VOTER ROLLS.
"IT'S COLBERT. IT'S SPELLED LIKE COLBERT.
NO, NOT WITH A 'K'! NO, NOT CUTHBERT.
DOWN! NO, NO, DON'T TURN THE LOOK, I CAN SEE IT UPSIDE PAGE!
DORIS, WE DO THIS EVERY TWO YEARS!
I'M GOING TO THE BAKE SALE. LET ME KNOW IF YOU FIND MY
NAME."
( LAUGHTER )
FOR EXAMPLE, IN MARYLAND, THERE'S NO SCHOOL ON ELECTION
SIXTH GRADE CAN VOLUNTEER AS DAY, AND KIDS AS YOUNG AS AIDES TO
POLL WORKERS. THAT WILL PUT AN INTERESTING
SPIN ON VOTING.
I.D.? I MEAN, CAN I JUST HAVE IT?
I NEED SOMETHING TO BUY BEER WITH."
NOW HOLD ON TO YOUR BEAKERS, NERDS, BECAUSE THERE'S SOME NEWS
FROM THE WORLD OF SCIENCE. DOWN IN ANTARCTICA, A DOOMSDAY
GLACIER IS DISINTEGRATING FASTER THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT.
OKAY, THAT'S TERRIFYING. AND I GOT TO SAY, IT DOESN'T
HELP THAT WE'RE CALLING IT THE "DOOMSDAY GLACIER."
CAN'T WE PICK SOMETHING HAPPIER, LIKE THE "FREE GUAC
GLACIER," OR THE "HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT ICEBERG"?
DOOMSDAY GLACIER BECAUSE SCIENTISTS CALL IT THE WITHOUT IT, "SEA
LEVELS COULD RISE MORE THAN THREE TO TEN FEET."
MORE THAN THREE TO TEN FEET? SO...
FOUR TO 11 FEET, ONE IMAGINES. TURNS OUT, "DOOMSDAY" IS JUST A
FUN NICKNAME. IT'S OFFICIALLY CALLED THE
AS IN, "JUST THWAIT A COUPLE THWAITES GLACIER. OF
YEARS, AND WE'LL ALL BE THWIMMING OFF THE COAST OF
KANTHATH."
TIME NOW, THOMAS--
BARTHELONA. WE'VE ACTUALLY KNOWN HOW BAD
THIS COULD GET FOR A WHILE. HERE'S HOW BILL NYE EXPLAINED IT
AT THE END OF LAST YEAR: >> THIS WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC.
A PLACE LIKE FLORIDA, SOUTHERN FLORIDA, WOULD BE UNDER WATER.
>> Stephen: ORGAN OH, NO! NOT SOUTHERN FLORIDA.
THAT'S WHERE WE KEEP OUR TOP SECRET FILES!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE RYAN REYNOLDS AND ROB McELHENNEY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JAMES TAYLOR AND I UPDATE A CLASSIC
SONG. STICK AROUND.