hey there everybody and welcome to this video on navigating parent teen
battles the quick start guide i'm your host dr dawn elise snipes
let's start out with a little bit of information about teens and tweens
now obviously this very short video is not going to cover every issue that may present
and cause conflict between parents and teens but there are some common factors
the developmental stage is important to consider for teens and tweens because
at this age starting at about you know 10 11 and up through adolescence youth are
trying to figure out who they are and they're starting to differentiate from their parents
and sometimes this can be really hard for parents to navigate the tween years that is right before
they turn into teens they're at the end of the ericksonian stage of industry versus inferiority
they are developing a sense of initiative and self-efficacy that is they're determining whether
it's okay for them to try new things to venture out beyond that safety zone is it is it okay to
take initiative that's one and then if they take initiative what are they good at that's where that
self-efficacy or ability to do things comes from and they're figuring this out during this stage
children during this stage need to be given boundaries you know you're not going to say
hey you're 10 years old whatever you want to do i'm there to support you so if you want to drive
the car more power to you no that's not what you're going to do you're going to give them
age-appropriate and culturally appropriate boundaries but within those boundaries
encouraging them empowering them to take initiative we also want to praise them for
courage when they try new things when they do take initiative we want to make sure that
we acknowledge how scary that can be to you know get out of their comfort zone to take initiative
we want to support them when they do fail because they will we all fail at times we're not perfect
at everything all the time that's not realistic and finally when they do fail or even when they
succeed we want to help them differentiate between person and action because they fail
at math or at making the football team or whatever it is that they tried to do doesn't mean they're a
failure it means they did not succeed at that task at that action so we want to make sure that we're
differentiating and making sure that they know that we love them for who they are despite their
potential setbacks and failures the same thing is true for successes we want to differentiate
between person and success it's great that you are valedictorian or you made the debate team
or whatever it is and i love you for who you are and i would have loved you even if you didn't make
the debate team teenage years you know 13 on are marked by the ericksonian stage of identity versus
confusion and for some people this starts at like 16 but for a lot of people lately they start high
school at about 13 and you start seeing youth try to experiment with different identities
different personas they're trying to figure out where they fit in what their personal values are
adolescents need to feel safe to explore their own identity and take on more adult
responsibilities like driving staying out later and choosing a career or a partner
and there are a lot of things that youth and and teenagers and adolescents do for the first time
that we've been doing for you know 20 years so it seems like old hat to us but it's really scary for
them and it's important during this period to be able to hear and be supportive of youth as
they're trying on some of these different roles and we'll talk about how to navigate
that especially if you don't agree with some of their choices as we get through this presentation
common causes for misunderstanding and perception of a lack of respect
and this is at the crux of a lot of arguments and friction between parents and adolescents
neither party feels understood or respected one of the key factors for that is poor
communication skills and i'm not dinging people a lot of times we are not taught
really effective communication skills we talk at people instead of talking with them we tell them
what they're supposed to think what we want them to do instead of with them where we're
exchanging ideas where we're hearing their point of view considering that and creating a dialogue
not listening or sometimes not even hearing american culture is really guilty of that
and maybe some other cultures and it seems like teens tend to be somewhat like this too
when they are especially when they're talking to their parents because when their parents are
talking they're only half hearing what the parents are saying and they're already formulating their
response so practicing good effective listening skills so not only do you hear what's said but you
understand what's said and you're clear about it we call that paraphrasing and counseling
mind reading or assuming you know the answer is another cause of conflict between parents
and teens sometimes teens will assume they know what the parents response is going to be
so they adjust their behaviors appropriately to either manipulate or hide something or come on
aggressively because they quote no their parents won't understand and the same thing for for
parents when they are working with their teens sometimes they assume their teens are going to
give them grief when they ask them to do something or when they set a rule or impose a consequence
it's important to encourage people to check their habits of mind reading and assuming
as opposed to actually dialoguing with the person and finding out what's
actually going to happen and finally starting with an ultimatum you need to do this or else instead
of asking why isn't why are you not doing this right now what is happening how can we work to a
on a plan together to create a situation where i get what i need satisfied and you
get what you need satisfied different cultures can also cause misunderstanding and perceptions
of a lack of respect and the biggest gap i could find was boomers versus zoomers
people who are younger um and are in that zoomer age group tend to see people who are
you know older as not understanding and not being able to um fully empathize with their
point of view and the older people feel the same way so they feel that there is
a disconnect which can be resolved not immediately but through effective communication if you're
able to listen and paraphrase and empathize with one another it can prevent a lot of the
conflict but it's important to understand the um fundamentals of each other's culture
so obviously with boomers versus zoomers this can be a parent and a child or a grandparent
and a grandchild that are having conflict and they're within the same family another time where
cultures can be a problem within the same family is based on acculturation levels and we see this
some in the united states i'm sure we see people see it in other countries where first generation
people people who just moved to the united states may adhere and hold tightly to the cultural values
from their culture of origin whereas their children and their grandchildren may become
progressively more acculturated and the first generation people who are holding on to their
culture of origin values may have difficulty and feel rejected if the younger people
are acculturating to the new culture and feel like they're rejecting the primary culture so that's
a whole therapeutic issue that can be worked on but it is important to understand the perspective
of each person why is grandma getting so upset about what grandchild is doing well is it that
what grandchild is doing that bad or is it that what grandchild is doing feels like a rejection
of their primary culture and that's what hurts it's not that the action itself is
that bad but it feels like a rejection of what grandma holds true and dear
and finally parental disconnect from childhood it's been a long time for a lot of us when we
become parents since we've gone through some of the things that adolescents go through and
recognizing the angst it can cause and you know even things like if i don't go to this party
this this weekend then i am going to be a social pariah at school you know we can see that from you
know 20 years away and go you know probably wasn't really that big of a deal but in the moment to
that child it may be a huge big deal so we do need to practice accurate empathy and try to understand
why is this so important to this child and how can we create a mutually agreeable resolution
so some journaling prompts before we go further what conflicts have you had with authority figures
and what contributed to those conflicts go back over some of these communication skills
cultural differences etc what things do other people do that cause you to feel disrespected
or misunderstood and do you do any of those things to other people unfortunately the answer
is probably yes i think a lot of us engage in one or more of these behaviors which when
people do it to us we get offended but we may do it back sort of mindlessly so being more mindful
in your communication and being aware of you know how it comes off to the person you're talking to
strategies to help navigate some of these things paraphrasing which means hearing and listening
without mind reading for understanding and respect i am going to listen to everything that you say
with that before i start trying to formulate my response
and then i'm going to tell you so what i hear you saying is and you can use a different lead-in
make sure that i heard what you said accurately and then go from there that is one of the
foundational skills to effective communication and children you know knee-high to a grasshopper
can paraphrase just as adults can you know a five-year-old can can tell you you know what
did you what did you just hear mommy say and the five-year-old can say this is what i heard you say
that is basic paraphrasing and that is the foundation of effective communication
to make sure that not only do you hear the words but you hear the intent of what was said
speak using objective i statements not subjective but
objective so the person knows exactly what you're talking about i feel disrespected when
you assume you know what i'm going to say and you finish my sentence okay so that is something
that's very objective the person can say oh okay i know what you're talking about there
something that's not objective would be i feel disrespected when you're rude to me
well what does rude mean to you so objective gives people an example of what's going on or i think
blah because i think i should be able to stay out until midnight even on school nights because
fill in the blank not saying that it's going to happen but using i statements and
prevents the other person from being as
feeling like they're on guard from the parents point of view the parent may say something like
i think on a school night it's important for you to be in by 10 pm because it's important for your
health and well-being to get at least seven hours of sleep before you go to school the next morning
however and we'll get to creating win wins in a minute but following it up with however
on the weekends maybe we can talk about increasing your curfew until midnight
validation of each other's perspective without agreement necessarily you have two people talking
one wants their curfew extended the other one says not on school night neither one agrees with the
other person's perspective but validating i hear what you're saying i hear that you're concerned
that i won't do as well in school if i stay out this late and the parent saying i hear that you
think that you are old enough and able to handle staying out that late validating each other's
perspectives and then from there creating win wins how can you create a compromise that works
you know maybe increasing curfew for a month and seeing what happens to the youth's
grades in school or what have you but thinking of ways that you can arrive at a mutually agreeable
compromise remember to love the person if not the behavior i know there are lots of times that
my children really did not like what i said or what i did but i always knew that they loved me
and the same thing for me there were times that i really disliked some of the things that they did
but i always loved them to the moon and back so differentiating between the person and the
behavior examining the threat that's creating the conflict conflict is what happens when people feel
threatened when they feel anxious or angry so the question is why do you feel threatened what
what is the threat what is your concern in the situation that's creating this anxiety in you so
to the parent asking them what are your concerns about this situation and based on those concerns
what are the facts that support your concerns and the facts that support that there's no issue
what aspects of this situation are within your control and what is the probability that the worst
case scenario that your concerns are going to come to fruition if you do what's within your control
if you create a win-win if you create a compromise in this situation to the child same thing what are
your concerns what is it that you're anxious about that says i've got to fight for this
are you concerned about losing your your freedoms your independence are you concerned about losing
your status at school if you don't do something what is prompting this energy that is directed at
this current conflict and what is your rationale for your solutions and then
finally create compromise once you understand each person's points of view and their concerns
then figuring out okay how can we reach a mutually agreeable
compromise how can we mediate this and find something that will will satisfy both sides
more in-depth videos can be found at child development 101 teenagers and that is located
at all ceus.com teens or positive parenting at all ceus.com slash positive dash parenting