LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID, "I CAN'T
BELIEVE I KNOW GROUCHO MARX."
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I KNOW DICK
CAVETT.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," DICK CAVETT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> BOY!
>> Stephen: DICK, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> YOU, TOO.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I REALIZED I HAD A KIND OF DREAM LAST NIGHT.
THIS COULD BE ODD AND UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> >> WELL, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO
LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW HOSTS, SO THAT THE WHOLE CONVERSATION
COULD BE NO ANSWERS, JUST QUESTION-QUESTION.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?
>> HOW ARE YOU.
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU ASK?
>> WELL, I JUST-- WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME WHY I ASK?
>> Stephen: ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE NOT ASKING
QUESTIONS, DICK?
>> ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AT ALL NOT ASKING... WE COULD GO ON
UNTIL THE WHOLE PLACE IS EMPTY.
BUT, ANYWAY...
>> Stephen: I'VE HAD THE GOOD LUCK OF KNOWING YOU FOR A FEW
YEARS NOW, BACK FROM THE OLD SHOW.
WE GET TOGETHER EVERY SO OFTEN AND HAVE A COCKTAIL.
>> WE GO TOGETHER, WE HAVE A MILD DRINK.
>> Stephen: A MILD DRINK.
YOU USUALLY HAVE AN ORANGE JUICE AND COMPARE.
>> WHAT A MEMORY!
AND YOU HAVE A PINK LADY.
OH NO!
OH, MY GOD!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK IT, BUT IN CASE YOU NEED A
REFRESHMENT, THERE'S AN ORANGE JUICE AND COMPARE?
>> OH, THAT IS GOOD.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
>> YOU KNOW WHO DRINKS THAT?
>> Stephen: WHO DRINKS THAT?
>> MARLA BONANDO.
>> Stephen: NOT ANYMORE.
THAT'S WHERE YOU LEARNED HOW TO DRINK THAT FROM BRANDO?
>> YOU KNOW THE ACTOR?
>> Stephen: I'M FAMILIAR, I'M FAMILIAR, YEAH.
HE WAS IN SUPERMAN.
WHY DID HE RECOMMEND THAT?
WHAT WAS THE RECOMMENDATION BEHIND THIS COCKTAIL?
>> I SAID I'D HAVE SCOTCH.
AND HE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU DRINK COMPARE AND ORANGE JUICE."
HE TALKS FUNNY.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
>> I TASTED IT, AND THEN HE INTRODUCED ME TO A MEMBER--
BELIEVE IT OR NOT-- OF THE COMPARE FAMILY FROM ITALY.
HE HAS A CONNECTION THERE.
YOU KNOW MY ANAGRAM WHERE I REARRANGE WORDS.
>> Stephen: I HEARD ABOUT THIS THAT YOU AUTOMATICALLY START
REARRANGING WORDS, THEIR NAME.
>> TELL ME IF THIS IS A CLOSE SHAVE OR NOT.
YOU'RE MR. COMPARE.
AND I SAID, "HELLO, MR. COMPARE."
AND MY MIND REARRANGED HIS NAME AND IT'S, "AM I CRAP?"
>> Stephen: YOU KEPT THAT TO YOURSELF, I HOPE?
YOU KEPT THAT TO YOURSELF?
>> I SUPPRESSED IT, YEAH, CHECK IT OUT.
>> Stephen: NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU HAD A TALK SHOW.
YOU HAD MORE THAN ONE TALK SHOW.
I WATCHED ALL OF THEM.
I DID.
>> MY GOD.
( APPLAUSE )
WHO MY INFLUENCES ARE, AND OF COURSE JOHNNY AND OF COURSE
DAVE.
BUT THE ONE THAT PEOPLE DON'T AUTOMATICALLY KNOW IS WHAT A
HUGE INFLUENCE YOU WERE ON ME.
BECAUSE I LOVED WATCHING-- THE WAY YOU INTERVIEWED PEOPLE IT
WAS SO HONEST.
YOU-- YOU HAD SUCH INTERESTING GUESTS, UNUSUAL GUESTS AT TIMES,
AND ASKED SUCH INTERESTING AND KIND OF DEEP QUESTIONS.
DO YOU-- DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS DIFFERENTIATING YOURSELF FROM
THE OTHER GUYS THAT WAY?
>> WELL, THAT'S TOUCHING, BY THE WAY.
CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M TOUCHED BY HEARING THIS?
YEAH.
COULD THIS BE WHERE I'M FREQUENTLY MISTAKEN FOR YOU ON
THE STREET?
>> Stephen: YES.
( LAUGHTER )
DON'T MOISTURIZE.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO WENT UP AGAINST
JOHNNY CARSON IN COMPETITION, WHO JOHNNY STILL LIKED.
>> THIS IS TRUE.
PEOPLE SAID--
"YOU MAY BE FROM NEBRASKA TOGETHER, BUT THIS ISN'T GOING
TO CEMENT YOUR FRIENDSHIP, THAT YOU'RE GOING OPPOSITE HIM."
AND I SAID, "NOBODY'S GOING TO DREAM OF MY KNOCKING JOHNNY
CARSON OFF THE THRONE."
AND GUESS WHAT, I NEVER DID.
( LAUGHTER )
WE TALKED ABOUT OLD THINGS, NEBRASKA MEMORIES AND THINGS.
AND SOMETIMES, WHEN I STARTED, AS YOU KNOW, TO START A
90-MINUTE SHOW OR LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW, OR WHATEVER, YOU
REALIZE I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
>> Stephen: NO, THERE'S NO PREPARING TO BE ON THE SHOW BY
YOURSELF AND HAVE YOUR NAME UP FRONT.
>> I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING THAT WOULD-- I DID SOME DUMB
THINGS AT FIRST.
I-- I REALLY WAS SCARED.
I WOKE UP, AND I THOUGHT THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE I'M
RESPONSIBLE FOR A TELEVISION SHOW THAT'S AD LIB.
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO'S ON TODAY.
SOMEHOW I GOT THROUGH IT.
BUT WILL YOUR STAFF EVER CORRECT YOU OR SAY, "HERE'S SOMETHING
YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHANGE A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF?"
>> Stephen: IF I DID ANYTHING WRONG, THEY WOULD, I'M SURE.
( LAUGHTER )
EVER MAKE A MISTAKE," AND I'M WAITING.
I'M SURE ANY MOMENT, ANY MOMENT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> START BRACING YOURSELF NOW.
>> Stephen: NO, SURE, YOU HAVE TO HAVE PEOPLE AROUND YOU THAT
TELL YOU YOU'RE DOING A-- YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> A FRIEND-- A FRIEND WILL TELL YOU THIS.
ACTUALLY, ONE WOMAN ON MY STAFF SAID, "DICK, I DON'T KNOW IF I
SHOULD SAY THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE THE STAR, YOU HAVE A KIND OF A
BAD HABIT.
WHEN A GUEST IS TALKING, YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEEM TO BE
LISTENING."
( LAUGHTER )
I REMEMBER--
SOMEBODY WOULD BE RATTLING ON, AND I WOULD SAY-- WATCHING THE
GUEST THE WAY YOU PEER AT ME NOW, AND I WOULD THINK, "THIS
PERSON'S LIPS HAVE STOPPED MOVING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.
OH, GOD."
AND SHE SAID THE OTHER BAD HABIT YOU HAVE, I'M AFRAID, IS THAT
YOU DON'T SEEM TO LISTEN IN ANOTHER SENSE, THEY SAY
SOMETHING, AND THEN YOU SAYING IN SMG THAT HAS NO CONNECTION TO
IT."
BECAUSE I WAS JUST SCARED TO LOOK UP FROM MY NOTES-- NUMBER
ONE, NUMBER TWO, NUMBER THREE.
IT WOULD--
( APPLAUSE )
>> WE CAN NOW CUT THAT OUT.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE'S BREAK, DICK.
DON'T GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. DICK
CAVETT, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.