I need to make a confession to you guys.
£I can't see very well.
I have bad eyes.
£My eyes are very dumb.
I might as well have two feet where my eyes are.
£That's how useful my eyes are.
£I actually went to £the optometrist,
£and he sat me down and he put £the thing in front of my face.
£I don't know what it's called,
but it's the thing from Justin Timberlake album
£where he like put it £right and then it.
£(audience laughs)
£And then he was like, "Better, £worse, better, worse."
I was like, "Oh, it's all bad."
£You know what I mean?
And he was like, "Better, worse."
Can't you just tell me?
£He's like, "I can't tell you.
"I don't have your eyes.
£"Just try, better, worse."
I was like, "None of it's good."
£And then he put his hands £on his knees and exhaled,
£walked out, and then £his nurse walked in
and said he rescheduled, and he never did.
£So my optometrist ghosted me.
£(audience laughs)
£So my eyes are still very bad.
£- [Member] Ah.
£- I tell that story because £I was getting a smoothie.
£(audience laughs)
I was getting a smoothie at a Julius Caesar.
£It's a smoothie place.
£Actually, you know £what, it's not Julius.
£It's Orange Julius,
£(audience laughs)
£but I couldn't see the sign £well until very recently
£someone told me it £wasn't Julius Caesar.
Either way, I was there, right.
£I was there,
£and they put the name of £the smoothie in big letters,
£and they put all the £ingredients in little letters.
£So then I was leaning £forward on the counter
£as far as I could.
£My stomach was on the counter.
£I was leaning just to see what £was in one of the smoothies
£that I might like, right.
£So then the cashier, £she's turned around.
She's bent over.
£She's doing something £with the supplies.
£So I'm leaning over the £counter as much as I can.
£But then she stands £up, she turns around,
and we're nose to nose.
£And then she limbo-ed on me.
£She leaned back as £far as she could.
And I wanted to explain to her,
ma'am, I wasn't trying to kiss you, all right.
£I have very bad eyes.
£I actually went to £the optometrist.
£He put the thing in £front of my face.
£I don't know what it's £called, but it's the thing
£from the Justin £Timberlake album.
£(audience laughs)
£But I didn't want £to explain all that.
£So I was just like, £"I don't love you,"
and walked away.
£(audience laughs)
£This is very embarrassing £to admit, but
£when I was a kid £all the way up until
like young adulthood, I thought that I could see the future.
£And then I realized I £just had common sense.
£(audience laughs)
£You know what I mean?
£Like I'll give you £my best example.
£I had a friend from £Chicago call me,
and he told me he got his girlfriend pregnant by accident.
£And I was like, "Oh, dude, I £knew you were going to do that
£"three years ago."
£And he was like, "How?
£"How's that possible?
"I've only known her for a year."
£And I was like, "Oh, bro, I £knew you were going to do that
£"when I saw you walking around £with no case on your phone.
"Like I knew you weren't thinking ahead.
"You weren't taking precautions.
£"You were living £reckless, you know."
£You don't have a £case on your phone,
£of course you're £not wrapping it up.
£Come on, just walking £around loose phone all day.
£(audience laughs)
£I also been thinking a lot
£about the concept of karma.
£'Cause we misuse the £term karma, you know.
£Like I was in Chicago,
£and I was in South £Side, like The 100s,
£and I got robbed.
£And then I saw the £guy that robbed me
£get robbed one block down.
£(audience laughs)
£That's amazing but £that's not karma.
£(audience laughs)
I knew a kid in school.
£I knew a kid in school
£that his favorite pastime was £just making fun of fat people.
£That's all he did £all the time nonstop.
It was like he did it even in front of people.
£It was to the point where
I couldn't hangout with him anymore, you know.
£And obviously this thing is £coming from like an insecurity
£that he had.
£So then he got a £little bit older,
£he started working £out and everything
£to the point where got £yoked like prison ripped.
£You know what I mean?
£Like just terrifying, right.
£And he got so ripped £top to bottom,
£but in the middle £section he had three abs.
£(audience laughs)
£How?
Like they're supposed to come in a pack of six.
£You're three light.
£That's hilarious, £but that's not karma.
£Karma's about what you £did in the past life,
£and you know how you £handle it in the next life.
£And burning off your £karma has a lot to do
£with reincarnation £and coming back,
£having many lives and £many forms, you know.
'Cause I had a situation with this guy.
This guy, I was hanging out with my friends,
£and he bumped into £me really hard.
£And it was just to the point £where I said something.
£I was like, "Hey, calm down.
£"There's no fire or £anything, you know."
£And then he got in my face,
£and he wanted to £fight me and was wild.
£I was just like this is, "I £don't want to fight anybody.
£"It's just you bumped into me.
£"You didn't say £anything, you know."
£And he's nose to nose with me,
£and he's like, "Why £don't you just.
£"Why don't you just go eat £some chicken or something."
Which like that is a weird one.
£You know what I mean?
Like that is about as awkward as it is racist.
£You know what I mean?
£Like it was to the point £where I felt bad for him.
£I was like, "Do want to try £one more time, or like?"
£(audience laughs)
£Like it actually £makes me confident
that he's not a racist.
A racist would know what to do in this situation.
£(audience laughs)
£You know?
£But I've been thinking £if karma is real
£and reincarnation is real, £and you are a racist,
£then I hope that you die.
£(audience laughs)
I hope that you die, and you're reincarnated as a chicken.
£(audience laughs)
£I feel like it's the only £way to fix this racism
£'Cause, yes, you'll £be racist, you'll die,
£you'll come back as a chicken.
I will fry you.
I will fry you personally, okay.
£You'll be delicious.
£I'll tear meat from bone.
£And it's not just £chicken, honestly.
£It's like all the £poultry can get it.
£Every land bird, you know.
£All of them.
£Roosters are the most racist.
£We never talk about £it, but they are.
£You know roosters £wake up racist.
£Everyday they wake up, £they see the sun before us,
£and they're like, "Ni, £ni, ni, ni, ni-caw!"
That's everyday.
£And we act like £we don't hear it,
£but it's right there.
£Every time I hear £the ni, ni, ni-caw!
You Confederate bastard.
£You're going to get your day.