10 Tips For a Successful Relationship
Hallo everyone.
Relationships are the heart of expansion.
They are the most contrasting experiences in our life.
Meaning, they cause the greatest joy and also the greatest suffering.
They are the means for our personal expansion.
And as such, in our relationships,
we need to learn how to allow for that change.
Any kind of personal evolution means change.
So to have a harmonious relationship,
we need to learn how to evolve together,
instead of evolve apart.
Another way of saying this is that we need to find a way
to cultivate harmony,
while allowing that change to take place.
Talk about difficult.
What we are talking about is unconditional love.
And unconditional love is an exchangeable concept with enlightenment.
So we may practice unconditional love,
the art of finding it,
for lifetime upon lifetime
is a practice even for those of us
who are the most evolved on the planet.
I've compiled an itemized list
of the most important keys or tips
for helping that harmony take place.
You could this:
"The Tips for How to Have A Successful Relationship"
Whether that relationship is romantic in nature,
or platonic in nature.
Step #1.
Cultivate unconditional love, instead of attachment.
What most of the people call love or falling in love,
is not actually love,
it's attachment.
Unconditional love,
is the state of being purely positively focused
in an attitude of appreciation
for something that we're paying attention to.
It means that in this moment
I'm purely focused on
that which I enjoy looking at relative to you.
That's much different
than what we actually call love
on a normal day to day basis in the society.
What we're calling love, which is actually attachment,
is the need for another person.
What that means is,
you fulfill some need
which I don't feel capable of fulfilling for myself,
and so I feel a void when you're not around,
because the absence of you, means that need will be unfulfilled.
And thus my happiness
is dependent on what you do and don't do.
That is attachment.
that's not actual unconditional love.
We will lead happier lives
if we can get into the modality of unconditional love
and provide our own needs for ourselves,
and find other healthy ways for them to get met,
instead of seeking them through other people.
Now, before you go ahead and feel bad about yourself
because you haven't mastered this yet,
I want you to stop and think for a minute:
How many people do actually know that have mastered unconditional love?
People who can remove their own happiness
from what other people do or don't do to them or for them?
No one. Right?
Myself included.
I actually don't know a single person incarnated on this earth
who is in an aspect of unconditional love 24 hours a day.
And even those who I know
who're pretty good at culturing that in platonic relationship,
still have not have mastered it when it comes to romantic relationships.
So, no more expecting yourself
to reach some level of perfection.
This is a practice.
It's a practice for every single one of us
no matter how evolved you think you are,
you've still got more to go when it comes to unconditional love.
I want to be very clear that this does not mean
that you need to learn how to stay in relationships
with people who harm you,
or who you don't actually feel enjoyment by being around,
just for the sake of learning how to unconditionally love.
Because this is not unconditionally loving to yourself,
It simply means you can only know unconditional love,
when that love and your happiness is not conditional upon
what other people do or don't do.
We cultivate unconditional love and the state of non-attachment
by providing that love for our selves,
and by providing needs for ourselves
and by finding ways to make ourselves happy,
separate of what any other person in our experience does or does not do.
All spiritual practice
is dedicated towards discovering how to unconditionally love.
Every single thing you do that gets you more happiness,
every single thing you do that brings you more peace,
everything that any spiritual self help guru type
is going to teach you,
is going to hep you come into contact
with learning how to unconditionally love.
So like I said,
your quest towards enlightenment
is the same thing as a quest towards unconditionally loving.
So, literally, anything you do that benefits your life
is going to be helping you
to match this particular tip
of unconditional love versus attachment
when it comes to culturing successful relationships.
Tip #2.
Cultivate love for yourself.
Your relationships are nothing more than the mirror
of the relationship you have with yourself.
It is impossible for you to be in any relationship
that is not an exact mirror
of some aspect of your relationship with you.
So, if you improve the relationship with you,
all of your relationships externally are going to change
to match that new improved state
of attitude that you hold towards yourself.
So, if you want to start having better relationships,
you've got to start thinking thoughts, saying things and taking actions
which are in alignment with self love,
which are in alignment with your highest good.
At the heart of every major relationship problem
is a problem between you and yourself.
When self concept is damaged,
your relationships will show up damaged as well.
And nothing works faster to improve your relationships
than improving your quality and quantity of love for yourself.
I have written a book about how to love yourself
which is currently seeking a publisher,
but many self help guru types
talk about how to love yourself.
They talk about how to go about doing things in life
structuring the way you're thinking differently,
so you can be more self loving.
I would try any and all of them that you can find.
Because, it never hurts to try something,
you just might find something that works.
Tip #3.
Work to discover and to release
your fears relative to relationships.
There is nothing that damages relationship
or your life experience in general,
more so than fear.
And there is not a single human being incarnated on this planet
that does not have some kind of fear
relative to relationships and relative to love.
You might have heard the expression:
"We are all fools in love".
There is an actual biological reason why.
Human are born about three month premature.
If we were born completely developed
the way that other mammals are,
we would not be able to fit through the mother's birth canal.
Because we are born immature, we have absolutely no way
meeting our needs in the first few months of life.
And so, our survival is entirely dependent on our care givers.
More than that, our survival is entirely dependent
on our care givers loving us.
The first thing we learn in our lives
is that if our care givers do not love us,
our needs will not be met and we will eventually, die.
Because of this, it becomes very important
that we do anything we can do to get love.
Because our brain,
which is of course the organ in charge of ensuring our survival,
equates love to survival.
The sympathetic nervous system is in charge of our survival response.
The part of our brain called the hypothalamus,
which is a primitive part of the brain,
triggers our sympathetic nervous system to react when it perceives danger.
We call this reaction "The Fight or Flight Response".
The Fight or Flight Response is an intelligent design
as far as evolution is concerned, because it enables us
to jump out of the way of an an oncoming car
in a split second,
as opposed to using our more evolved rational processes
to asses whether something is in fact a danger to us.
If we were to use that part of our brain
that's in charge of rational process
to assess whether something was a danger, before reacting,
we would end up getting hit by an oncoming car or bus
for example,
because it would take longer to asses the situation
than it take for the oncoming car to actually hit us.
A hypothalamus accomplishes this survival technique
by hijacking the rest of the brain.
It releases signals that overwrites the parts of our brain
that are in charge of reasoning, such as the Cortex.
The parts of our brain that are in charge of reasoning,
are the parts that we associate with intelligence.
But those parts of our brain
are not parts that are in charge of our behaviors or actions
when our survival is threatened.
Only the most primitive parts of our brain
are in charge of our behaviors and actions
when our survival is threatened.
So what does this mean for humans and love?
Because humans harbor a deep seeded association between love and survival,
when we feel as if we need love for someone,
suddenly, our survival mechanisms are triggered.
The part of our brain that begins to rule
relative to the object of our love, is our primitive brain.
When our primitive brain is in charge of our behaviors and actions,
we can no longer remain rational relative to whatever we want love from.
Our evolution has primed us to act for survival,
before we act for logic.
Our thinking mind is incapacitated.
And when we feel threatened with the possibility of losing love
our bodies react as if our survival is being threatened.
In other words, when it seems as if we could lose love,
we biochemically react in a similar way
to how we would react if we were being held under water.
I realized it's frustrating,
but it is part of the original intention
you came into the experience which we call human,
versus another animal.
it's because that contrast,
you knew would benefit your expansion.
But that being said,
discovering and releasing your fears is totally essential
when it comes to learning how to have good relationships
and how to unconditionally love.
Becoming aware of our fears is the first step,
and thinking better thoughts relative to our fears
is the second step.
My favorite process for this particular stuff,
is Byron Katie's process called: The Work.
It's all about questioning the thoughts which cause us stress.
So if I were you,
and I was dealing with a lot of stress
relatives to my fears in relationships,
I would use that process.
Tip #4.
Communicate completely.
You can't be in a successful relationship
and withhold any aspect of yourself.
That's sort of like expecting somebody to love someone
who isn't even present in the room.
It's become kind of a trite saying:
"Communication is key in relationships"
but it doesn't make it any less true.
Communication is key in relationships.
You can only meet each others needs and wants
if you know who the hell you're in a relationship with.
You can only meet somebody's needs and wants
if you know how someone is feeling.
Last week I did a video called:
How To Express Your Emotions.
This video presented a process which is totally amazing
when it comes to having good relationships.
It teaches you how to express the complete truth
of how you are feeling, to your partner,
as well as yourself.
If you don't feel capable yet
of expressing yourself verbally to your partner,
then learn how to write a letter to your partner.
Any kind of expression is absolutely paramount
if you're ever to find a meeting of minds.
And as far as I'm concerned,
the best way to have a successful relationship,
is to find a meeting of minds.
Tip #5.
Stay on the same page.
Our relationships and really every other experience in our life
is meant to do one thing;
And that is to inspire us towards a preference.
To inspire us towards a new desire,
towards new things which we want.
Now, think about this relative to relationships.
Any relations you get in
will give rise to new desires for relationships, within you.
And your happiness on this planet is depended upon
you keeping up with those new desires,
on you finding alignment with them and allowing them.
What that means is
you can't stay in a relationship and be happy,
unless the relationship itself
molds to match that new desire.
Unless the relationship itself
is the thing that is evolving.
The only hope for us keeping our relationship together long term
is if those relationships become the new things we desire.
This is true for everyone involved in the relationship.
If that's not the case,
the universe itself will separate
or else you will separate yourself from your own joy
to such a degree, you will manifest an illness,
and you will die.
This does not mean that your partner has to change
to match your new desires,
or that you have to change to match theirs.
If it is not all so in the best interest of your partner to change
and evolve in accordance to your new desires
or for you evolve and change in accordance with theirs,
the relationship has run it's course.
We're not meant to come here and be bonded to someone forever.
We're meant to follow our individual bliss
and let the universe line us up
with someone who is a match to that bliss.
And if it is our desire to experience a life long love with someone,
and you're able to align yourself with that desire,
by of course, thinking thoughts
which allow that desire to come into fruition,
I promise you the universe will align you with someone
who can stay a match to you for the totality of your life.
The law of attraction is managing
and bringing you together with relationships
that serve your expansion the very most
for the moment that you're in.
This means you can trust the universe
to align you with someone
who is a fabulous match to all your positive aspects
and also fabulous match to all your not so positive aspects.
It's a great way of looking in the mirror.
There is no bigger mirror than relationships.
It's a good idea in relationships
to sit down about every 6 months,
you could do it more often than that,
but, every 6 months at least
to sit down and to write a complete list
of what you want and what you need.
And then, both partners come together
and they compare that list
and they ask themselves honestly, not dishonestly,
"Does this other person's desires
align with my desires and my wants?
Or do they go in the opposite direction of it?"
If they go in the opposite direction of it,
we cannot remain happy
and be with this person at the same time.
That is an absolute.
And so, it's time to restructure the relationship
and open it up to allow both of you
to go in the direction of your own individual bliss.
And that could potentially mean, not together.
However, if you compare these lists
and it seems as if they are compatible,
then you can sit down as a couple
and think about ways which you can help enable each other
to meet those needs together,
while staying in a relationship.
Tip #6.
Do not get specific
about who you want to be in a relationship with.
That limits the universe.
When you're thinking about the things you want,
the way you want to feel,
or when you're doing visualizations relative to what you want,
you wanna think about the feeling space of being with the perfect partner.
You don't want to think about the who,
Because thinking about the "who"
makes it so the universe can only operate through that "who"
and that's a problem.
Because the universe is unlimited, as it is,
when you ask the universe to provide you with a partner
that feels amazing to be around,
that amplifies the best aspects of who you are,
The universe has, let's say, 7 billion people to work with.
That's a lot of resource to draw from.
But, the minute you say:
"I want that to be Jill" or "I want that to be Joe"
You're causing the universe to have to come through a point
that is as big as this straw.
It now has to exclude the rest of its resources
and only include this amount
and bring you what you've asked for
through the venue of that one person.
That's especially an issue if that one person
is not the best for what you've asked for.
Then, it's most likely that it won't even come to fruition.
Because the universe is continually trying and trying to bring you together
but you're not actually a vibrational match.
Because what you've asked for
is not actually going to come through that one person.
Now, I understand that in relationships we've all gotten to this point
where we think that our happiness can only be satisfied
through this one person that we keep dreaming about
that we're totally obsessed with.
But then, you let it go
to the degree that you're able to find somebody new
and you date them,
and months down the road, a year down the road
you're going:
"I can't believe I was ever in a relationship with that person".
I'm so glad that I'm not with him anymore.
I never knew it could be this good."
Just because you don't currently see the possibility
of the universe drawing to you someone who's better
than the person you're currently wanting to be with,
doesn't mean that person doesn't exist.
Tip #7.
Start to recognize
and begin to heal your love reincarnations.
What I mean by love reincarnations
is that people tend to find love situations and life situations
which mirror their first expectation of love.
And your first expectation of how love should look
and should feel, is your home environment.
So if you had unhealthy situations in your upbringing
relative to love,
you are very likely
to continue to find yourself in the same circumstance,
in the same circumstance,
hence why many abused women continue to find abusive spouses
once they reach a certain age were they're beginning to date.
We find people and we find friends
that mirror the relationships that we had when we were children
with the first people which we came to love.
Good news if you had a super healthy up bringing,
not so good news
if your upbringing was not so great.
I'm going to explain this concept of love incarnation to you now;
This truth about love reincarnation is especially loud
if you allow yourself to make a list
of all the aspects that you hated about your father,
and all the aspects that you hated about your mother
or primary care givers.
Then, you'll wanna write a list
of all the things you hate
about all the primary relationships you've had in your life.
And then, I want you to compare the list
between each significant relationship
and between your primary care givers as a child.
And I want you to pick out the similarities.
You'll start to see a pattern.
What you'll start to see is that
you hate the same things about your partners and your friends
that you hated about your primary relationship
with your parents or care givers.
That sort of love relationship
sets you up for an expectation
in all of the rest of your relationships.
What you'll find is that you're primarily reincarnating
the parent relationship that you had
which was the least satisfying in terms of love.
So if you had a parent or care giver,
one of your primary relationship
that you felt you did not get the kind of love you needed from,
you will continue to try to reincarnate that over and over again
because your brain is a self healing mechanism.
It will try to get the kind of love that it needed
from the kind of person that it thinks it needs it from.
So, for example,
if I didn't get the love I needed from daddy,
I'm going to keep trying to find men like daddy,
and get the kind of love from them that I needed as a child.
And by doing so,
I will have solved my relationship with daddy.
That's what our brains are trying to do.
I want to give you an example from my own personal life;
Most women who have been through traumatic situations as children
will love reincarnate an abuser.
My situation was a little bit different
because my abuser was not my parents,
it was someone outside of the family.
And the love I didn't get,
primarily from my father,
was the love which a kid could call protection.
So, I had an incredibly passive father.
By passive, I mean really passive.
I have never seen this man get angry one time in his life.
And so I didn't feel protected and therefore loved by my father.
So, what do I do in relationships?
I find men who are super, super passive
and then, I try to manufacture all kinds of situations
that make it look like I'm in duress and need rescue,
because subconsciously, I'm trying to find someone like my father,
but get someone like my father to rescue me.
and by virtue of that,
some part of my childhood self feels as if daddy rescued me.
Which is what I always wanted
relative to love when I was a child.
What you wanna do when you discover your love reincarnations
is to ask yourself:
what is it exactly that I am trying to get from this person?
What is it that I am trying to derive out of this relationship
and then provide those things for yourself,
so you no longer need them to come through another person.
Being aware of these love reincarnations helps them transmute.
And what you'll find is that eventually,
you don't attract the same partners.
Tip #8.
Work to change the decisions that you've made
based on experiences that you've had,
as well as the actions that those decisions cause you to carry out.
To do this,
you want to think about a situation that wounded you,
and you wanna think about what decision you made about love
based on that experience.
And then, you want to think about
what choices and actions you're taking in the day to day wife,
because of that decision that you've made about love.
For example, my first girlfriend was close with me,
and then one day suddenly decided
she wanted to be friends with the more popular girl in school,
so she made fun of me,
and said she didn't want to be my friend anymore.
The decision that I made based on that experience was:
"I can't trust my friends to be loyal.
As a result of this,
the actions I take in my life,
is that I keep friends at an arm's length
because I am always waiting for them to abandon me.
I do not let people know me,
and so most people leave me
because they don't feel like I even like them.
Another example could be,
My mother was a clean freak,
and had to control everything about my life.
The decision I made based on that
is that I have to be perfect,
or else no one will love me.
As a result,
I am always trying to please other people,
and I often find myself falling in love with people like my mother,
who can not be pleased and who are hypercritical of my every move.
Another example is,
I was molested by a member of my family.
The decision I made based on that is
"I am worthless, and the people I love will use me because of it."
As a result of this,
I can see how this led to me becoming a stripper.
I don't love it, although I make good money.
But, when I think about it,
my job now revolves around men using me for their pleasure.
I have made a video in the past, called:
How To Change A Belief
You can apply these beliefs
which you form these decisions about love,
to that process.
Ant it'll help you to release resistance to that belief.
It'll help you to change it.
On top of that, changing the belief,
you want to also take different actions in your life.
So, for example,
if you believe in the previous scenario,
that people who love you will use you,
then that's the belief that you want to start to change.
But, you also want to look at your life
and the ways that you have been taking actions
in accordance with that belief.
For example, "I became a stripper and now men use me for a living",
and you want to start changing that.
So, maybe it's time to start looking for a job
where you don't put yourself in a situation
to get used by men everyday.
Tip #9.
Ask for what you want and need.
This may in contradiction to what we've said earlier
about how important it is for you to provide yourself
with things that make you happy.
For you to provide yourself with love.
Because, as we know,
when someone else holds the key to your love
or what you need, they are in control.
You're no longer control.
But, it actually isn't a contradiction.
Because even though you may be looking at someone else
and asking them for what you want and need,
you're actually asking the universe for what you want and need.
And maybe those need and wants
will come through the person that you're asking,
or maybe they'll come through someone else.
Free will is an absolute.
So, don't worry about someone else trying to provide something for you
that they don't actually want to provide.
It won't ever work.
That will unravel in the end, and the person won't be able
to go sideways of who they truly are enough,
to provide things for you that they don't actually want to provide for you.
But the universe
has unlimited resources to deliver you
the exact criteria you've asked for,
for your wants and needs and happiness.
Asking for what we want and need
is how to ensure that we're not starved emotionally in our relationships.
We don't all have ESP relative to relationships.
I know most of us expect our partners to know exactly what we want and need
and to deliver it without us even asking,
but that's not realistic,
it's not kind to ourselves or them.
People want to love you.
They just don't know how.
And unless you tell them what you want and need,
you're not going to get anywhere.
You're just gonna build up a lot of resentment relative to relationships.
You will build up extreme levels of resentment
if you remain committed to being in a relationship,
but simultaneously, you expect
that your wants and needs will not be met.
That you will be unsatisfied for the rest of your life.
And that's also the key to having a codependent relationship
where you care more about staying together,
than you care about actually being happy.
And I promise you, either one or both of you
will eventually stray,
and find some other way to meet those needs and wants.
If they're not coming through the relationship itself.
I want to give a personal example of how this worked in my life;
I'm not very good at asking people to help me with anything.
I'm not really good at letting them into my life,
so when I have a bad day
I'm more used to going upstairs, locking myself in a room,
and doing some kind of process that will pull me out of the mentality,
than I am at calling my friends
and telling them what's going on in my life.
But it just so happened that this last year
I formed a incredibly intense relationship.
A really close relationship with a friend of mine,
who happened to be a female you saw earlier in a video
were I demonstrated Healing Work.
Her name is Kirsty Lovatt.
Her love language is words of affirmation.
What that means is
she feels like her needs and wants are met in a relationship
when someone is putting effort to communicate
who they are and what they love about the relationship,
and just calling once in a while to say:
"hey this is what's going on with me,
I care about you enough to let you in".
So, of course,
because I wasn't doing that in this relationship,
there were some rocks.
So one day, she ended up coming over and she had the balls to say:
"Look Teal, I don't feel like this is a really great relationship
because I don't even feel like I'm participating.
You never call me when you have problems,
you never tell me what's going on in your life,
and you don't ever tell me whether I'm doing good or not good."
So, I realized at that moment that her needs were not being met
relative to something I could change very quickly
and wanted to, because it's gonna benefit me ultimately,
to learn how to speak this love language.
And so, I began making it sort of a deliberate practice
out of every time that I would experience something, good or bad,
I'd just send her a text message,
or pick up the phone and express what was going on in my life.
I can't even tell you how much our relationship improved
based on that one change,
which would never have taken place
if she didn't have the balls to tell me what she needed or wanted.
Tip #10.
And this is the final tip:
Feed people love every single day.
By feeding them "the three A's".
#1. Attention
Which means find time each day
to give them a bit of your undivided attention.
#2. Affection
Find time each day to show them a little bit of affection.
#3. Appreciation
Find time each day
to give them some verbal gratitude,
or some kind of verbal validation.
These three A's
are how to feed a relationship with love
on a daily basis.
If this doesn't come naturally to you,
to just show your love in this way,
then what I want you to do
is to pick a random interval during the day,
and set your own alarm clock so it will go off throughout the day
and when the alarm clock goes off,
look over those three A's
and pick something
that's in accordance with one of those A's
that you can do to express some kind of love
to the person or people in your life.
So, maybe the timer goes off and you send a text message,
maybe the timer goes off
and you walk into the room where your partner is
and you put your hand on their head or you give them a kiss.
Or, maybe you write a love letter,
or maybe you bring them home a gift.
Whatever it is that you choose to do throughout the day,
you want to make sure that you're doing them.
When we starve our relationships,
is when we stop doing them.
We work 24hours a day,
so we are never around our partner
we may never learn to tell them what we love about them,
we just assume they should know.
This kind of things which we do, sabotage our relationships.
It doesn't matter whether you've been married for 4 years
it's time to go downstairs and hug your wife or your husband.
That being said,
it's really important that we learn the five languages of love.
There is a man named Gary Chapman
who worked as a marriage counselor for years upon years
and he was really interested
in finding out what made relationships work.
And so he studied human interaction
and found out that no matter what continent you're on,
no matter what race race you are,
humans have five basic ways
that they express love to each other.
And the five basic ways are this:
Words of affirmation,
physical touch,
acts of service,
quality time
and gifts.
Now, ideally, we would speak every single one of these languages.
We come in, actually knowing how to speak all of these languages,
but our situations growing up,
tell us which ways are appropriate
and which ways are not appropriate to express our love to other people.
But we all come in with a primary love language,
that means it's our strongest way that we feel
and usually, give love.
Mine for example, is gifts.
Now, the idea goes
that if you want to be in a happy relationship with someone,
you've gotta figure out what their primary love language is
and meet that love language.
You have to learn how to speak it.
And I'm in complete agreeance with this.
You need to speak the persons love language
that you're in a relationship with,
regardless of whether that's a romantic or friendship relationship.
It's a lot easier than expecting them
to come out of their love language
and to start speaking your love language.
We can learn to speak every single one of them,
and I said, that's ideal,
but it's okay to ask people that are in relationships with you
to show you love
in the language you speak the most frequently,
and the most fluently.
So find out what your love language is,
and pay close attention
to the people that you're in relationships with in your life
to try to find out how it is that they receive love.
Because you may be trying to show them love
inside your love language.
And that's not even a language they currently speak.
This is why, for example,
you all know Blake, Blake is the one that lives with me...
Blake's love language is service.
And so constantly, all day long you'll watch him
he's milling around the house and he's doing dishes
and he's doing projects.
And for a long time,
I always felt like Blake didn't love me,
and I was frustrated at him constantly.
Why? I don't speak the love language of service at all.
To me, dishes just have to be done.
So, if someone does them, it's not an act of love,
it's just because they need to be done.
So I was missing the fact that Blake was trying to show me love
all day, everyday.
Then I taught him how to speak my love language
and I recognized that when he was doing acts of service out of love.
and now I see
that it's one of the most loving relationships I have in my life.
It's amazing what can happen
when you start to learn these love languages.
Not only that,
you'll start to discover
that even your worst enemies are trying to express love to you,
but they are trying to express love to you
in a way that you don't receive love, yet.
It is my promise that these simple steps
will make all the difference in the world.
They can turn really crappy relationships
that are full of no love currently,
into blossoming relationships
which are serving you and your expansion.
So to sign off,
I want to thank all of you,
for your love and your support and your attention to me.
It benefits me greatly.
And I do want you to know that I love all of you.
Have a good week.
Subtitiles by: Tanya Duarte