Testing...
Hellooo...
Hiiii...
Yes?
Hi, it's... It's earth. Are you-
We don't know who that is. Goodbye.
No wait! We just wanted to say hello...
Is this about insurance? Because for the last time we're not fucking interested-
No, we- we thought we were alone in the universe.
Oh another one of these! Yeah great.
Are you like us? What's your planet like?
Seriously? We're doing this are we?
We're two-thirds water and we're carbon-based... Are you carbon-based?
No.
How does your biology work?
Oh for fucks sake, look we're very busy at the moment. What do you want?
We're just, this is a really big thing for us, okay? Are there other inhabited planets as well as yours?
Yes...
How many?
Are you gonna bug them as well because LV-426 is really sensitive about that kind of thing.
No! We just wanted... well... can we swap knowledge or something?
Jesus Christ! Have you solved quantum mechanics yet?
A bit?
You haven't, have you? How's your time-travel game?
Not... Not bad...
If you can't even time travel, there's no point in even-
Alright, look. We're still a bit naive at the moment
You're not fucking kidding...
But we're very ambitious. Look, we've almost cracked self-driving cars and nuclear fusion...
*muffled laughter*
What?
*cough* Oh no, no nothing very, very clever. Very clever go on.
Look, we just want a bit of help.
*other voice* Who's that? Is it about insurance!?
No, they're called Earth, they can't even do time travel!
*cough* Alright, yeah, sorry, what do you want exactly?
Well, could you give us a bit of... technology... maybe?
Alright, look, time-travel's pretty easy, okay? Can you make gravitons yet?
Y-yes...?
Oh, for fuck's- well, you can make anti-matter at least, right?
Oh yeah we're really great at that one we've got-
Okay, you're gonna need about a kilogram.
A- a kilogram?
Yes. Is that gonna be a problem?
No, we, we just... alright... go on.
And you've got particle colliders now, right?
Yeah loads of them and we're going to-
Good. You're going to want to run them on anti-matter now.
Fine. Go on.
Good. Now you're going to want to turn your colliders up to about 500 tetravolts.
That seems a little... high?
Oooh, sorry. We didn't realize we're talking to a planet entirely populated by sentient pussies.
Alright... 500 tetravolts...
Great, now you want to fire the beam straight down into your planet's core.
Into the- is that... safe?
Extremely safe, yes.
Because that doesn't sound.. particularly safe...
Do you want to time travel or not?
Alright, alright, look, it's just... a few scientists here have some reservations about all of this...
Hey guys!
H- hi, is that another planet?
Yes?
Are you going to introduce us?
*sigh* Arrakis this is Earth, Earth, Arrakis.
Hey man! So... what are you guys up to?
We're teaching Earth how to time-travel.
Yeah, with anti-mater!
With anti- right... okay.. well... carry on with that...
Anyway, so you have to aim it right down into the center of the planet, okay?
Okay.
Yeah, right into your planet's core *laughter*
What's that?
Nothing...
Nothing! He didn't say anything, carry on!
Wait... how does this even work?
Just do it. Arrakis will think you're really cool.
Yeah. Yeah, really cool
We don't know if this is what Col Sagan had in mind exactly...
Less talking more time travel.
All right, well, we've got the kilogram of antimatter, so we just...
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes, do it now.
You're sure about this? It's... oh, it's getting pretty hot around here...
No, no, that's, that's fine.
Perfectly safe! *laughter*
It's wow... all the ice caps are melting and Norway just disappeared is that normal?
*laughter* Yeah! Yeah, fine. Fine. Yeah. Carry on.
Oh, God and the... and the sky's collapsing and-
*laughter*
Oh God....
Huh... it's not as satisfying as I thought it would be...
No I know...
Anyway, you want to come over on Saturday? I'm having Alderaan over for drinks.
Yeah about Alderaan... umm... listen mate I've got a bit of bad news.
Oh God what is it?
Oh hi guys!
What!? What the hell!? Where have you been, exactly?
Yeah the antimatter thing worked out really well actually. We're gods now so we thought we'd just go ahead and conquer the known galaxy actually.
OH FUCK