>> Stephen: WELL, WELL, WELL!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMENT, WHEN DONALD TRUMP FIRST
CONTRACTED THE CORONAVIRUS, I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
HE WOULD EMERGE FROM THIS EXPERIENCE WITH A SHRED OF
HUMILITY, BECAUS HONESTLY NOTHING WOULD DISARM CRITICS
MORE THAN IF HE STOOD UP AND TOLD THE WORLD, "I WAS WRONG.
I LEARNED MY LESSON, AND I TRULY SYMPATHIZE WITH THE
WHO HAVE BEEN GRAVELY ILL OR LAST THEIR LIVES ON TO THIS
PANDEMIC.
I LEARNED MY LESSON, AND I TRULY SYMPATHIZE WITH THE
BUT I FORGOT ONE THING ABOUT TRUMP: HE NEVER DOES THAT.
HE NEVER CHANGES.
HE'S A TEFLON TROUT.
HE JUST SWIMS THROUGH ALL THE NORMAL EXPERIENCES OF THE WORLD
AND NOT A BARNACLE OF LEARNING STICKS TO HIM.
HE'S THE LEAST WISE PERSON IN HISTORY.
HE'S THE ANTI-SOLOMON.
( AS TRUMP )
BABIES TOGETHER?" THE STRAW THAT BROKE MY BRAIN'S
BACK WAS HIS DRAMATIC RETURN LAST NIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE
FROM WALTER REED ON MARINE ONE.
IT WAS TIMED SO IT COULD APPEAR LIVE ON THE EVENING NEWS, AND
EVERY BIT OF IT WAS PURE STRONGMAN PROPAGANDA.
HERE HE IS LEAVING THE HOSPITAL: THERE YOU GO.
PUMP YOUR FIST.
AND THEN SLOWLY TAPPING THE HANDRAIL. YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS.
STOP TOUCHING IT.
THEN BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE, RATHER THAN USE THE USUAL
GROUND-LEVEL ENTRANCE, HE CLIMBED UP THE STAIRS.
ONLY DONALD TRUMP WOULD THINK CLIMBING STAIRS IS A FEAT OF
STRENGTH.
( AS TRUMP )
ONE HAND, AND FOR MY FINAL TRICK, I WILL CLOSE THIS
UMBRELLA.
IT CAN'T BE DONE!
HOW DID YOU DO IT, MARY POPINS!" ONCE ON THE BALCONY, KIM JONG
DON REMOVED HIS MASK.
( AS TRUMP )
JUST TO PUT ANY LINGERING DOUBTS TO REST:
I'VE LEARNED NOTHING.
KNEEL BEFORE ME, YE WEAK AND WITHERED, AND INHALE MY
PRECIOUS DROPLETS!" TRUMP WANTED THIS TO BE A SHOW
OF STRENGTH, BUT MOMENTS AFTER TAKING OFF HIS MASK, HE WAS
CLEARLY STRUGGLING TO BREATHE.
STILL, IT'S A STRONG LOOK.
BECAUSE NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE FAMOUS FOR
THEIR BALCONIES: MUSSOLINI, SADDAM, JULIET.
IT WAS ALL STUPID, BUT HERE'S THE STUPIDEST PART.
AFTER LEAVING THE BALCONY AND GOING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE, HE
WENT BACK OUT AND WAS SEEN RE-SHOOTING HIS ENTRANCE INTO
THE WHITE HOUSE.
YOU DON'T GET TO DO RE-SHOOTS OF ACTUAL IMPORTANT MOMENTS.
"OKAY, HONEY, I HAD THE LENS CAP ON.
HEY, DOC, CAN WE PUT THE BABY BACK IN?
GET A SHOEHORN.
SORRY, DOCTORS, EVERYBODY, BACK TO ONE!
REMEMBER, YOU'RE IN PAIN, AND PUSH!"
IT'S MAGICAL.
IT SEEMED LIKE THE WHOLE THING WAS PROPAGANDA.
AND IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE IT WAS PROPAGANDA WHEN THEY RELEASED IT
AS PROPAGANDA: ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GOOD GERBILS.
NOT ONLY WAS THAT CAMPAIGN PROPAGANDA, IT'S ALSO A TRAILER
FOR THE UPCOMING MOVIE, "TRIUMPH OF THE ILL."
TRUMP COMING HOME AND TAKING OFF THE MASK REALLY SENDS A BAD
MESSAGE.
IN FACT, THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THE MESSAGE THIS SENT IS
THE ACTUAL MESSAGE HE SENT: >> I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT
CORONAVIRUS.
AND ONE THING THAT'S FOR CERTAIN, DON'T LET IT DOMINATE
YOU.
DON'T BE AFRAID OF IT.
YOU'RE GONNA BEAT IT.
>> Stephen: ONCE AGAIN, HE LEARNS NOTHING.
HE'S LIKE IF SCROOGE WOKE UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING AND SAID,
"I'VE BEEN VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS.
pDON'T BE AFRAID OF THEM, FOLKS, AND DON'T LET THEM DOMINATE YOU.
I JUST PUT ON MY BOSE NOISE- CANCELING HEADPHONES AND SLEPT
LIKE A GIN-SOAKED BABY.
THE POINT IS, I'M GOING TO INFECT TINY TIM WITH
CORONAVIRUS.
SOMEBODY GET ME A GOOSE."
HE'S GOING TO LICK THE GOOSE AND GIVE IT TO THE KRACHET FAMILY.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
BUT TRUMP HAS GOOD REASON TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT THE VIRUS.
>> WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICAL EQUIPMENT.
WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICINES, ALL DEVELOPED RECENTLY.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICINE.
WE ALL HAVE EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENTS THAT NOBODY ELSE HAS
GOTTEN.
WE ALL HAVE THE BEST HELICOPTER TO FLY US TO AND FROM OUR
PUBLICLY SUBSIDIZED MANSION THAT ITSELF CONTAINS AN IN-HOME
INTENSIVE CARE UNIT ITSELF.
WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BEAT THIS VIRUS.
THAT'S WHAT WE ALL HAVE.
NOT SURE ABOUT YOU ALL, THOUGH.
WE ALL HAVE THAT."
ONE OF THE REASONS TRUMP WAS FEELING SO PEPPY IS THAT HE'S
JACKED UP ON THE STEROID DEXAMETHASONE.
STEROIDS CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INVINCIBLE.
I'VE HAD THEM.
YOU GO FROM "I CAN BARELY STAND UP" TO "I'LL PUNCH A TIGER IN
THE NUTS!" WORK IT LIKE A SPEED BAG.
OF COURSE, IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A PRESIDENT HAS RETURNED TO
THE WHITE HOUSE ON STEROIDS.
EISENHOWER HAD A HEART ATTACK, AND WHEN HE RETURNED TO THE
WHITE HOUSE, HE LOOKED LIKE THIS.
IKE SMASH!
ULTIMATELY, TRUMP HAD A SIMPLE REPETITIVE MESSAGE FOR THE
COUNTRY: GO OUT AND GET SOME SICK.
>> DON'T LET IT DOMINATE.
DON'T LET IT TAKE OVER YOUR LIVES.
WE'RE GOING BACK, WE'RE GOING BACK TO WORK.
WE'RE GONNA BE OUT FRONT.
AS YOUR LEADER, I HAD TO DO THAT.
I KNEW THERE'S DANGER TO IT, BUT I HAD TO DO IT.
I STOOD OUT FRONT.
I LED.
NOBODY THAT'S A LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID.
AND I KNOW THERE'S A RISK, THERE'S A DANGER, BUT THAT'S
OKAY.
AND NOW I'M BETTER, AND MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOUR LIVES.
GET OUT THERE.
BE CAREFUL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A MIXED IT'S LIKE A FIRE MARSHALL
SAYING, "DON'T LET THE FIRE DOMINATE YOU.
WALK DIRECTLY INTO THE FLAMES, YOU COWARDS!
BE CAREFUL."
THEN TO REINFORCE HIS CALL TO MAKE AMERICA A DEATH CULT AGAIN,
TRUMP TWEETED, "FLU SEASON IS COMING UP!
MANY PEOPLE EVERY YEAR, SOMETIMES OVER 100,000, AND
DESPITE THE VACCINE, DIE FROM THE FLU.
ARE WE GOING TO CLOSE DOWN OUR COUNTRY?
NO, WE HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT, JUST LIKE WE ARE LEARNING TO
LIVE WITH COVID, IN MOST POPULATIONS, FAR LESS LETHAL!"
ADDING, "DON'T FEAR THE REAPER, BABY.
TAKE MY HAND.
DON'T FEAR THE REAPER, WE'LL BE ABLE TO FLY.
BABY I'M YOUR MAN, CORONA-NA-NA-NA."
NEEDS MORE COW BELL.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT YOU WROTE WAS WRONG.
HOW WRONG?
IT WAS PULLED DOWN BY FACEBOOK.
SECOND, YOU HAVE COVID, AND YOU'RE TRYING TO CHANGE THE
SUBJECT TO OTHER DISEASES.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "JAWS."
>> THE FLU STILL KILLS MORE PEOPLE A YEAR!
>> Stephen: SO HOW DID THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD CATCH A
VIRUS THAT MOST AMERICANS HAVE SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED?
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE WHITE HOUSE'S PREVENTION STRATEGY--
THEY DON'T HAVE ONE.
INSTEAD OF USING PROVEN COVID SAFETY MEASURES LIKE MASKS AND
SOCIAL DISTANCING, THE WHITE HOUSE USED A TEST WITH A 10% TO
20% FALSE NEGATIVE RATE.
TESTING ALONE DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM GETTING THE VIRUS.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "BABE, SHOULD WE USE A CONDOM?"
AND SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST EVERY MORNING, SO WE'RE GOING."
THE PRESIDENT MUST BE FEELING BETTER, OR AT LEAST FEELING
MANIC, BECAUSE AFTER WEEKS OF BACK AND FORTH WITH NANCY
PELOSI, THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP HALTED COVID-19 RELIEF TALKS
UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.
THAT MEANS NO ADDITIONAL UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS FOR
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WHO ARE OUT OF WORK.
TRUMP'S DOCTORS MIGHT NOT BE TELLING US ABOUT WHAT SIDE
EFFECTS HE HAS FROM COVID-19 BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE: IT'S
IT'S NOT AN ENLARGED HEART.
COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
WE'VE SEEN YOUR TAXES.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE BROKE.
IN HIS TWEET ANNOUNCING HIS ROID-ONOMICS PLAN, TRUMP
PROMISED THAT "IMMEDIATELY AFTER I WIN, WE WILL PASS A MAJOR
STIMULUS BILL THAT FOCUSES ON HARDWORKING AMERICANS AND SMALL
BUSINESS."
HE'S HOLDING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HOSTAGE SO THEY'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
THAT EXPLAINS HIS NEW CAMPAIGN SIGNS: VOTE TRUMP AND NO ONE
GETS HURT!
ONLY ONE LITTLE PROBLEM WITH THAT PLAN: HE'S NOT WINNING.
IN THE LATEST CNN POLL, BIDEN LEADS TRUMP BY 16 POINTS.
( AS TRUMP )
FOR COVID.
RIGHT AFTER 'PEOPLE' MAGAZINE NAMES ME THE 'SEXIEST MAN
ALIVE'.
I'M COMING FOR YOU McCONAUGHEY."
TRUMP TRIED TO REASSURE THE NATION:
"OUR ECONOMY IS DOING VERY WELL.
THE STOCK MARKET IS AT RECORD LEVELS, JOBS AND UNEMPLOYMENT
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, ALSO COMING BACK IN RECORD
NUMBERS.
WE ARE LEADING THE WORLD IN ECONOMIC RECOVERY, AND THE BEST
IS YET TO COME."
THAT DIDN'T QUITE SOUND ENTHUSIASTIC ENOUGH.
KIMBERLY?
>> THE BEST!
IS YET!
TO COME!
>> Stephen: WELL, IT COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE...
IS WHAT I KEEP SAYING.
WALL STREET SAW TRUMP'S TWEET ABOUT HOW THEY'RE DOING AND
IMMEDIATELY TUMBLED 600 POINTS.
YES, THEY S&P'd THEMSELVES.
NOW, AGREEING TO A STIMULUS PACKAGE THIS CLOSE TO THE
ELECTION WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE TOUGH, BUT WITH HIS TWEET, TRUMP
NOW OWNS THIS ISSUE.
ONE TRUMP CAMPAIGN STAFF MARVELED, "YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BE
THIS POLITICALLY INEPT.
WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
WHERE IS MARK MEADOWS?" NOW, NO ONE HAS SEEN HIM.
BUT THEY DID SPOT THIS FICUS WITH LEGS RUNNING OUT OF THE
WHITE HOUSE.
TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING UNDER THE WEATHER.
AS A RESULT OF THE ADMINISTRATION'S DISASTROUS LACK
OF COVID SECURITY, AT LEAST 19 PEOPLE HAVE NOW TESTED POSITIVE
WHO HAD BEEN IN RECENT CONTACT WITH THE PRESIDENT OR ATTENDED
WHITE HOUSE OR CAMPAIGN EVENTS.
19 PEOPLE!
TAKEN DOWN!
THOSE ARE "JOHN WICK" NUMBERS.
19 PEOPLE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO TRUMP TO GET COVID.
AND I WANT TO POINT OUT, NONE OF THEM WERE HIS KIDS.
THAT'S GOT TO HURT ERIC.
( AS ERIC )
AND EARLIER TODAY, THE PENTAGON ANNOUNCED THAT THE JOINT CHIEFS
OF STAFF ARE IN QUARANTINE AFTER AN ADMIRAL TESTED POSITIVE FOR
COVID-19.
LUCKILY, IF A WAR BREAKS OUT, THEY'RE ALL READY TO HANDLE IT
OVER ZOOM.
( AS GENERAL )
TO LAUNCH A MISSILE OR WAS I?
NO?
OKAY, YOU GO FIRST.
WHO'S GOT THE LAUNCH CODES?
YOU'RE ON MUTE!" WHAT WITH THE PRESIDENT DANCING
WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT, IT'S EASY TO FORGET
THAT HE'S TRYING TO DRAG THE REST OF US TO HELL, TOO.
CONSIDER THE SUPREME COURT, WHERE HIS NEW NOMINEE WOULD GIVE
CONSERVATIVES A 6-3 MAJORITY.
AND WE GOT A PREVIEW OF WHAT THAT IMBALANCE MIGHT MEAN,
THANKS TO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ALITO AND THOMAS, SEEN HERE
NOTICING THAT WOMEN HAVE FULL BODILY AUTONOMY.
YESTERDAY, THOMAS AND ALITO ISSUED AN OPINION SUGGESTING THE
SUPREME COURT COULD OVERTURN SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.
WHAT?
NO!
NOT NOW, SUPREME COURT!
WE'RE ALL A LITTLE BUSY WITH THE-- ALL OF IT.
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY GAY WEDDINGS!
BECAUSE NONE OF US CAN HAVE ANY WEDDINGS RIGHT NOW.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: ON MONDAY, THE COURT DECLINED TO HEAR A
CASE ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE, BUT ALITO AND THOMAS USED IT AS AN
OPPORTUNITY TO ATTACK THE 2015 DECISION LEGALIZING GAY
MARRIAGE, WRITING THAT IT LETS THE GOVERNMENT "BRAND RELIGIOUS
ADHERENTS WHO BELIEVE THAT MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN ONE MAN AND
ONE WOMAN AS BIGOTS, MAKING THEIR RELIGIOUS LIBERTY CONCERNS
THAT MUCH EASIER TO DISMISS."
NOPE.
WRONG.
THOSE PEOPLE CAN STILL BELIEVE WHATEVER THEY WANT.
THEY JUST CAN'T FORCE THOSE BELIEFS ON OTHERS.
I'M A CATHOLIC.
I BELIEVE IN GIVING UP MEAT ON FRIDAYS DURING LENT.
THAT'S MY RIGHT.
BUT IT DOES NOT GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO GO INTO A TEXAS
ROADHOUSE AND START KNOCKING STEAKS OFF THE TABLES LIKE AN
ANGRY CAT.
AND I WANT TO!
THEY ALREADY LET YOU THROW PEANUT SHELLS ON THE DAMN FLOOR!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JERRY SEINFELD IS HERE.
WON'T YOU STICK AROUND?