- And the fact is-- - That's not true.
- You think I have an ugly dick.
- Let's not call it baby dick.
- Yay, you got one!
- [Announcer] Tonight, on Debatable Throwdown.
- Circumcision, yikes!
On one hand,
there some potential health benefits.
On the other hand,
you're cutting up penises.
Circumcision,
we're goin' there.
It's Debatable Throwdown.
(intense music)
- I'm nervous.
- I'm not nervous.
I think we all know I'm right.
- So, Keith and I are really good friends.
We're best friends?
- Yeah.
There's one matter we tend to disagree upon.
Zach likes to chop up baby dicks.
- Okay, you can't just say it like that.
I'm pro-circumcision, he--
- Hopes that he has a daughter.
- To me, it's just a given.
You circumcise your baby.
It's just what you do.
- I don't know how you can make
penile mutilation so simple.
- I don't know why you're jumping right into that.
That's not what it is.
- What would you say cutting
someone's dick apart would be?
- It's a preventive health surgery.
- Would you suggest that you cut off your baby's fingertips,
so they don't have to cut their fingernails?
- You know that that is ridiculous.
- Just as ridiculous as cutting some skin off
because it's easier to clean that way.
- That's not, okay.
Well, let's talk about the cleaning first.
They had to make a name for the stuff
that comes under it and it's called smegma
and that's a gross name.
- Have you lifted your arm
to wash under your arm?
It's literally part of washing yourself.
You have to move things around.
- Your baby has a 90% higher chance of a UTI.
You want your baby dicks to have UTIs?
This is a thing
that is good for a baby. - The reduction percentage is
so insignificant and the fact is--
- That's not true.
You're stripping it of its civil rights.
- For their benefit.
- No. - Yeah.
- For your benefit.
You want your baby's dick to look real good.
- I think it looks better.
- Are you someone that looks at a lot of dicks?
- Not a lot of dicks.
- Well, then there you go.
Why do ya care so much?
- I don't watch a lot of porn,
but I have watched porn in the past
and if there's an uncircumcised dick,
it ruins the porn for me.
- Wow.
- [Zach] Yeah, it does.
- You've seen my dick. - I've seen your dick and--
- Do you think I have an ugly dick?
- You've seen my penis. - Yeah, your penis is good.
- Did you think my penis is mutilated?
You think I'm mutilated penis. - No, it's not. I mean--
- Stop it, stop it!
You are friends.
Why are you lettin' a little penis
come between you like this?
I think we've reached a stalemate here,
so it's time to settle this with a throwdown.
(wheels squealing)
This is the thing that we do now.
- [Zach] Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- [Zach] Oh, Christ.
- [Keith] (laughs) Oh, my God.
(intense music)
(blades slashing air)
- I don't really wanna go talk to that man,
but I think you guys should go talk to him
and he'll tell you what to do.
Good luck.
(laughing)
- I'm Jack Dagger,
knife throwing comedian.
I've been working with the International
Knife Throwers Hall of Fame
and I'm here to help these guys settle it
with a knife throwing competition.
- Hello.
- Hello, Mr. Knife Man.
- Hey, guys. How are ya?
- Good. I'm Keith.
- Hi, Keith.
- Zach.
- Zach, I'm Jack.
Nice to meet you guys.
Now I hear y'all have a disagreement.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- [Jack] You have somethin' to settle.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna have to do it the old fashion way
with modern space age water-jet cut knives
and whoever is the best thrower,
wins the argument.
That's how they did it in my pappy's day.
(laughing)
- How does one throw steel water
cut space age knives.
- It starts with a handshake, okay?
We're gonna put the blade of the knife in your hand,
but don't worry, it's not sharp.
- God, I'm loaded (laughs).
- Then there's your stance.
Knees bent and then rocking forward
deliver it through the surface of the target.
Not just to it, through it.
Hard.
There it--
- Whoa!
Fuck.
- [Jack] Good, good.
- You know, Keith,
for someone against slicing,
you sure are good at it.
- Zach, I think that
maybe having a bundled up
bunch of extra junk around the trunk there
gave him some mystical, magical powers to throw knives.
I don't know what else to say.
- How does that compare to most beginners?
- I'd say it's better than average.
- I would say that his uncircumcised dick
is better than average, so--
- Yeah.
- Is it?
Alright.
- I'm a lot more high strung than Keith.
- So, high strung's not bad
as long as all that energy is comin' forward confidentially.
Spin that knife over.
(laughing)
- Ah, you blew it.
- Relax--
- So, it's like up to here?
- Uh huh
and stretching forward.
Ah ha.
With your hips,
the power--
- These are the same knives you gave Keith?
I'm starting to think you're secretly uncircumcised
and you just want him to win.
Eighth time's the charm.
- Yay, you got one.
- Just because our dicks are different
doesn't mean we don't support each other.
- [Keith] Oh, God.
- Well, not great (laughing).
- [Jack] Not bad.
- If I were a bettin' man,
I'd be going team uncircumcised right now
(intense music)
- Okay, guys.
You've just had a chance to practice.
Now, it's time to settle it once and for all.
You're both gonna have five knives to throw,
alternating back and forth.
If you stick a knife anywhere on the target,
that's one.
If you stick it within the circle of wieners,
that's two points.
And three points if you hit a bullseye.
- What about that tiny weeny in the middle?
- Jack's littlest dagger
is gonna be five points.
- Remember, Keith,
there are really high expectations for you,
so literally you could only disappoint people.
- Oh, that's a solid two.
- [Keith] This is great.
- That is a small target,
but then again, so are circumcisions, so.
- [Jack] Oh, and we had a splatter effect.
- [Zach] Fucked up that wiener though.
- Fucked up two wieners,
dropped the knife,
doesn't count.
- [Jack] Oh, that's a one.
- I left that wiener undisturbed.
- [Jack] Holy smokes!
- How do ya like them wieners?
- Oh, it's so close. - Baby dick not disturbed.
- Maybe let's not call it baby dick (screams).
- [Jack] Alright.
- Exciting,
exciting, exciting. - We got a tied game.
- Intimidation game.
Intimidation game.
- I'm too amped up now.
I really gotta calm down.
- Oh, I'm sorry Zach.
- Fuck.
- Look at that.
That's perfect. - That's exactly
what ya want though.
- Perfectly--
- That's exactly what you wanna do.
- bad.
- You do not wanna split it right through the center.
That is not how circumcisions go.
- [Zach] Okay, two knives left.
Score is tied.
(screaming)
- Sorry, baby dick.
You just got cut in half.
- In it's tiny little wiener.
- That was thrilling (laughs).
- Do we put another dick on the board?
Alright, Zach, you got this, bro.
- Don't worry that he's got a big long eight.
You got a little ole three.
Oh, that's a one.
Perfect.
- Well, I obliterated that flat (laughs).
- You're only down four.
All you have to do is split that
really, really tiny wiener,
which you did hit with the butt of the knife.
- Well, Keith,
you are the victor.
- Which means I am right.
That's how this works, right?
I'm just right now?
- Well, Keith,
clearly you are the winner,
so you now have earned the right
to be right, so if this issue
ever comes up again--
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Mostly just looking forward
to never having to have this argument
with Keith again.
- Zach, repeat after me.
I, Zach Kornfeld.
- I, Zach Kornfeld.
- Even though I have a circumcised dick.
- Personally believe.
- Fuckin' A, man.
Personally believe.
- That circumcision is inherently wrong.
(gasps)
- That circumcision is wrong.
- And if I ever have a son.
- I will not circumcise him. - No, okay, no, hold on.
I'm not letting this video.
- This was the point. - We throw fuckin' knives
at a wiener board. - That's the whole point.
We settled it. - Decide if my son--
- We settled it. - No, no, no.
Religious freedom. - He doesn't eat Kosher.
He doesn't go to Temple. - I'm Jewish, I'm Jewish.
Jews circumcise.
- Okay, wait, hold on, guys.
Hold on.
You guys obviously still can't agree,
so there's one more thing the loser has to do.
- Whatever this is,
I certainly did not agree to it.
This seems a little excessive, no?
- Look, Zach.
You can not do this,
you just have to promise
not to circumcise your son.
- Throw the knife, Jack!
- You got it.
- Oh, God!
(screams)
Jack.
(grunts)
- That's what it's like for babies.
- That's not what it's like for babies.
- That's what it's like.
How was that?
- You just let a man
throw a knife at my dick.
- I have a secret.
- What?
- I used to throw knives as a kid,
so this was never really fair.
- Fucking kidding.
(laughing)