- Oh my god Bryan!
Did you watch the first episode
of the final season
of Game of Thrones?
- Y'know I see you once every eighteen months for a haircut
and this always happens to me.
- Buckle up queen
because The Wall is down,
a woman's on the throne,
it's the America I wish I was living in!
♪ Gay Of Thrones Theme ♪
Well first of all honey
that title sequence
got a full on Queer Eye make-better.
They were giving me basements,
a full tour of the linai.
Vanities honey!
- So wait, let me get this straight,
HBO gave Game of Thrones a new intro
and Sarah Jessica Parker had to wear the same
god damn tutu
for six years?
- So after that,
baby Dorothy Hamill
is sashaying,
shimmying up a tree,
so she can catch the opening credits of the Grammys.
Featuring performances by:
Baby Kill Bill
Christina Aguilera feat. Jon Snow
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Mayor Pete
Dr. Evil
Solange and Baby Barack Obama
and featuring Dragons
- Yaaassssss.
This show lost me until Mr. Hunty McTrade showed up.
- Oh, that's Gendry-Fluid,
and he's looking
SO foine.
SO toight.
My timbers are shiv-vereda.
Girl, he went from Sorcerer's Stone Neville Longbottom,
to Deathly Hallows Longbottom,
to I would for sure bottom.
Wowzers.
Then, we're catching up with formerly blonde Cher,
formerly Mia Farrow,
formerly, briefly, Dublin Gift Shop Crown.
But now, officially, as of today,
Evil, No-volume, Carol Brady.
- Good.
- And her Alexander The Great Expedition
is Not. Going. Well.
There's a massive Elephant drought,
then we are forced to watch two
heinously disgusting people
relentlessly flirt with each other.
- [Euron Greyjoy] I was hoping we could talk in private.
- Ugh, sounds like a night at Sur.
- I don't under--
What's Sur?
- Oh it's the Vanderpump Rules...
Real Housewives and then Vanderpump...
At least the Vanderpump owns Sur,
Sexy Unique Restaurant
- I don't watch the Housewives,
it's too many characters.
BUT
do as Evil No-Volume Carol Brady says
and not as she does,
because moments later
she's giving Jared Let-Himself-Go
some very angry, post-coital pillow talk.
- [Cersei Lannister] You might be the most arrogant man I've ever met.
- She's never met a magician.
Horrible.
Then, back at Winterfell,
we're getting a full Dateline walk and talk.
- [Davos] Not so long ago, the Starks and the Karstarks
were slaughtering each other on the battlefield.
- Starks and Karstarks.
I'm getting a little worried they're running out of names.
Y'know,
The Lannisters,
The Bannisters,
The Cannisters,
The Tyrannisters
- Get some creativity.
You... Thought of a Dragon,
- Named...
Drogon.
- Sorry,
Drogon the Dragon?
That is horrible.
- You're horrible!
- Do you know what?
I don't need this.
But I do need the haircut.
And you really haven't done anything yet.
- So after all that,
we're back at the Christina Aguilera,
Jon Snow,
Sansa Fierce
power battle.
- I'm so lost.
- Ok, well let me put this in a way
that you might understand honey.
It's kinda like Step Mom,
but if everyone was related,
AND there's no terminal cancer.
Did you see Homecoming?
- I DID!
- WOW!!
- That was good!
- Ugh!
And then those poor baby dragons.
They're trying out Keto
and it is not going well.
(Dragon Noises)
- Seeing Jon Snow on a dragon
is like seeing Caitlyn Jenner on the PCH,
it's real shaky at first,
and bystanders are terrified.
- So then they're having this gorgeous scenic one-on-one
and wouldn't you know, those dang dragons
just totally ruined the mome.
Kind of like my cats.
You know, you've got that man of your dreams over,
and you guys are trying to just
lay down and have a little moment,
and then you feel a little nuzzel,
of a little like,
claw in your foot.
Or a little like,
and you're like,
can you stop watching me
tryin to make a lovah?
- Honestly, nothing says "F*ck Me!"
like single man with cats.
- Rude Bryan
- Oh no!
- That was really--
That was really hurtful.
- Did that cut too deep?
- Cause, that's basically like--
- I'm single
I'm single!
I'll f*ck you!
- So it's a real mixed bag
for newly named Poncho Smarts this season.
Cause you know what, they're all like,
you're winning the nobel peace prize,
but we killed your dad.
- [Sam] At least i'll be allowed home again,
now that my brother's the lord.
- Check please!
- Then after that,
Poncho Smarts delivers a bad news sandwich
when he reveals to Jon Snow
that his 23andMe results came back.
Ancestry.Wrong
- Turns out he's 50% Targaryen
50% Stark
and 100% f*cking his aunt.
- Deeply tonguing your auntie
this whole time.
- You know, i've know you for so long
and I don't know anything about you.
I mean I know you like Game of Thrones, but like,
what's your middle name?
When's your birthday?
What's your sign?
- And then Ginger Spice and Left Eye
run into some old friends
at their new apartment.
It tuns out,
the White Twerkers left a housewarming gift
from Bed, Bath, and
OH MY GOD!
(Screaming)
Then,
at the end,
we get our first glimpse of Brother D.
Stepping out in his hot, salty beard.
But he makes the huge mistake of
making that step in front of Baby Miss Cleo.
Who's all like
I know what you did first season.
- I don't know what you mean by that.
- You know, it's that awkward moment
when you run into the kid
who you pushed out of a window
when they climbed in on you
having sex with your fraternal twin sister.
- Right.
- This episode was called Winterfell,
but it should have been called
"Looks"
♪ Dance Music ♪
(Magical Noises)
Wow Wow Wow Honey!
This is giving me rainbow brightwalker realness.
- I have a job interview after this.
Do you think i'll get it?
- Yessssss
- Where are
- My Dragons?
(Cat Noises)
Shhhh
You know!
No!
Yeah!
Just spank us
(Spank)
Owwww!