I remember once working with a woman
who found it really frustrating that someone in her office
loudly ate rice around lunchtime every day
and her metal fork would constantly be hitting against the bowl
and she was so annoyed by it that she was actually going to go out
and buy a wooden fork for this person.
When you think we spend half our waking life at work
if there's someone who really gets under your skin,
it's crucial to cross that divide.
We've probably all worked with people we don't like
but really?
You hate them, you actually hate them?
That takes an enormous amount of energy
and it makes little or no difference to them.
If they've really done something totally illegal or horrendous
there's probably much better remedies for it.
Most of the time we find
that people want to avoid having a conversation with the other person
because they dislike them, but if you don’t talk about it
it won't get better by itself.
So some people try to put it off and develop coping mechanisms
but it rarely makes the situation much better
and soon it's years down the line and you're still in the same boat,
hating this person.
It doesn't have to be like this.
A bit of short term pain,
i.e. a difficult but open and honest conversation
with the person you dislike, can bring a long-term gain.
We get people telling us we're intimidating
when we think we're really cuddly
or telling us that we're shy
when we consider ourselves thoughtful and serious.
So think about what you give off to other people.
Here's Ali. He's very bright.
He's quite young, he's very highly educated.
He's just got a great job so he's sent to a conference
and because, as well as being bright, he's rather modest
he decides that he'll keep quiet, pretty much,
and he'll just observe what's going on
and listen to people who are more experienced.
The people around him
who have heard how bright he is and how well-educated
see him being a bit restrained and a bit withheld
and start to think, "He's a bit aloof."
"He doesn't rate us."
"He thinks he's too good for us." And so they start to freeze him out.
We end up with a situation where
everybody's misunderstanding each other and nobody
is getting the benefit of their different abilities and experiences.
Ask questions and seek to understand the other person's viewpoint.
Then show them you've understood their viewpoint
by summarising back to them what they have said -
an incredibly powerful little tool for building rapport.
Too often, people just try to persuade others of their case
but if you show that you're open to listening to the other person
and genuinely want to understand where they're coming from,
you'll have a much more constructive conversation.
I remember once in a mediation where one person shouted at the other
"You're a..."
Now I don’t have a problem with someone saying that
if that's how they feel
but I do actually with how it's worded.
If you tell someone they're a liar, they'll automatically disagree.
We all would.
But if you calmly point out
that on this occasion and this occasion they have lied to you
you can have a conversation about it without them getting as defensive.
It's probably not personal.
Remember that you don't have to
learn to like the person that you're in conflict with -
you just have to work with them.
Be willing to challenge your assumptions and then learn from that.
Welcome other's ideas and approaches.
Be yourself, be open, be honest about your own strengths and contributions.
The really great thing is if you're doing those things,
not only does it diminish that feeling of dislike
and make you better at working with people,
but you might actually get to enjoy working with them.
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