Known for taking pity in both relationships and friendships,
the INFJ is known to find connections where they end up giving more than they get. Luckily,
it takes much more than just unequal give and take for the INFJ to deem a friendship toxic
or even remotely unhealthy. So.. what are those other red flags?
Welcome or welcome back PSYCH-Os! That’s exactly what we’re going to be talking about today, how to
tell if an INFJ is in a toxic friendship. Before we get into it, we’d love it if you liked and
subscribe to our channel, as well as to click the post notification bell so you never miss a video!
Alright, let’s jump right into it starting with..
Number 1: Attachment based on anxiety and fear
The first and most noticeable sign that a friendship may not be what they expected it to
be, is finding that there is an underlying fear that keeps the connection afloat.
In reality, no matter what personality type someone is, if a platonic or romantic connection
is based on anxiety, obligation and fear of loneliness, it may not be as genuine as hoped.
Whether the friendship instills fear in either parties or the connection is surviving merely
on fear of being abandoned from one another, panic and unease won’t sit right with the INFJ for long.
One example of this would be the INFJ’s fear of saying no. This people-pleasing personality type
needs to question whether they are just sticking around someone because they can’t bear to say no
and let them down. For the INFJ specifically, these types of emotions wouldn’t come up
in a genuine friendship built on trust and understanding of each other. Plus, this attachment
style is similar to one of the key indicators of abusive romantic partnerships - manipulation.
This is when someone has the upper hand on the friendship by consistently convincing
the INFJ that they’d be lost without them. This type of emotional abuse can really tear
an INFJ’s individuality down, leaving them feeling trapped in a friendship that they aren’t happy in.
Number 2: The terms of the friendship are non-negotiable and one-sided
For the introverted and laid back INFJ, an abusive friend is one that calls all the shots in the
friendship, regardless of the INFJ’s opinions or emotions on the matter. This is where the unequal
give and take that the INFJ is normally quite okay with in a friendship, becomes..well.. not okay.
Sure, this nonchalant type may be relaxed about certain decisions being made, especially when
first meeting a new friend. However, when someone takes those inherent traits and uses them against
the INFJ, it’s fair that they begin questioning whether or not this friend is someone they should
be keeping around. Similar to the attachment based on anxiety and fear, this imbalance creates a type
of power hierarchy, where the abusive friend takes from the friendship, but never gives in return.
If it’s completely intentional, these abusive friends often go for more emotionally vulnerable
characters who can be easily manipulated into giving more than they get. Unfortunately, INFJs,
especially the less experienced ones, fall into this category of emotionally or at least
empathetically vulnerable. Meaning they’re much less likely to call their abusive friend out on
their actions, which is exactly what the abuser looks for in their new so-called ‘friends.’
Number 3: Refusing to respect boundaries
Real friendships are consensual, even when the boundaries are somewhat unspoken. Ya,
we get it.. INFJs have trouble setting boundaries, and for that reason, sometimes people can overstep
their invisible lines. But for the average friendship, boundaries are unspoken rules and
are rarely communicated unless crossed. And even though INFJs are also quite conflict-avoidant,
it doesn’t take much to know when they feel they’ve been pushed past their boundaries. Now,
we’re not saying friends are toxic if they can’t read between the lines of the non-verbal signals
the INFJ gives out. However, realistically, if the INFJ is being used by someone for that someone to
fulfill their own desires, it’s quite obviously a red flag. An example of this would be a friend
interpreting an INFJ being too busy to hangout as a direct reflection of how the INFJ feels about
them. Unfortunately, this is another reason rather manipulative people like to prey upon the INFJ
even in friendships, because they are less likely to make their boundaries painfully apparent,
leaving them to often get walked over. A great tip for the INFJ is
instead of thinking of boundaries as limiting another person to what they can and can’t do,
it’s good to look at them as where their livelihood stops and the other person’s begins.
Number 4: Mental, emotional and physical exhaustion
INFJs know when they need a break. Although they may not take it when they know they need it,
every INFJ comes to a place of exhaustion that is hard to ignore. Whether it’s an old job,
a repetitive lifestyle, a draining relationship, or for the purpose of today’s topic, a toxic
friendship - they can’t ignore burnout. Bickering, clinginess, drama, jealousy, and high obligations
are all sure signs that an INFJ will reach burnout without a friendship sooner or later. And while
it seems like a disadvantage when the INFJ is knee-deep in some type of connection or issue,
burnout lets this introverted type know when it’s time to pack it in and head home. Luckily,
when this intuitive type is pushed to mental, emotional or physical exhaustion, it forces them
to remove themselves from the situation and properly analyze everything they’ve observed
in order to have a clearer picture of what's going on. A blessing in disguise, to put it simply.
Number 5: Unwelcome touch or comments
If INFJs could carry around a literally personal bubble they probably would, despite how difficult
it would be to get through doorways. Maybe a simple T-shirt that states ‘please do not
touch or converse with without asking’ would be a little more logical. All jokes aside,
the INFJ, who is known for their detest to large crowds and physical gestures from strangers,
much prefer to keep to themselves; even within a friendship. On the same topic of respecting
boundaries, things like non consensual flirting and inappropriate physical touch
is a prime example of how an abusive friend can overstep their welcome.
Now, no one said it was illegal to date your friend, but for the INFJ, there’s a specifically
respectful way to approach that, and anything else can make them feel rightfully uncomfortable.
No matter the gender, unwelcome touch and remarks are tricky when it comes to friendship,
because if the INFJ were to ask them to stop, the embarrassment may lead to serious defensiveness
from the other party. Yet, if the INFJ doesn't speak up for themselves, their friend won’t know
where they stand. And even worse, in an abuser’s eyes, an INFJ’s silence becomes their consent.
Number 6: You make excuses for their behavior
If an INFJ keeps an abusive friend around, it won’t be long before other people begin
to notice the power imbalance and dissatisfaction the INFJ silently exudes. And when the time comes
that someone mentions this observation, it’s not rare for the INFJ to become defensive. Not only do
INFJs know better deep down inside, but despite their individualistic nature, they deeply value
the connections they do have. So, when they themselves begin to question the connection,
it can become a whole personal journey that has very little to do with the abusive friend.
In fact, when INFJs are debating on whether or not to give up on someone it becomes a personal
growth journey that feels so uncomfortable that they usually try whatever they can to avoid it.
This is where the excuses come in. Naturally, INFJs give people the benefit of the doubt, so
it’s easy for them to see the good a connection has.
Maybe an INFJ will rationalize by telling themselves that other people don’t have a
friendship that’s so complex and full of emotion like them, and that those people are missing out.
Or maybe the INFJ feels they were called to help this friend despite the rough patches.
Number 7: You can’t be yourself around them
Known for the chameleon charm, the INFJ can basically make acquaintances anywhere they try.
They can easily pick up on the energy of others and alter their demeanor
in order to mirror it back to them. However, when they’re so busy matching the frequency of others,
INFJs mask certain parts of themselves. So, when is this quirky and introspective type supposed to
be themselves if not with their closest friends? Sure, they may not let loose around their closest
friends to the extent that they would if they were solely in their own company. But if the
INFJ can’t bring up their woo-woo conversational topics and elaborate ideas without being judged;
or if they can’t laugh about their rather paradoxical habits and unique tendencies
in fear of being ridiculed or corrected by their friend, maybe it’s not a right match.
Number 8: You feel like you’re always wrong around them
There's an endless list of pet peeves that INFJs have when it comes to human connection,
however, being challenged with a know it all is definitely among the top few. No matter how
convincing some people are, no one really knows it all, even the INTP personality type. However,
some people play a good game at convincing others they shouldn’t ever be challenged. Whether they
just like the power of belittling others, or they genuinely refuse to consider other possibilities,
if INFJs are constantly holding back their views and opinions, it’s not a true friendship.
This toxic quality that you’ll find in most abusive friendships is a tactic that makes it
easier for the abuser to gaslight the INFJ, making them even question their own beliefs and sanity.
If this is happening to an INFJ, it’s important for them to remember that abusers have a way of
wiggling themselves out of situations, they always seem to have an elaborate explanation
or rationalization as to why they did something wrong. And with those people, you will never win.
Well PSYCH-Os, that’s it for today’s video..So, let us know in the comments below if you’ve
ever been stuck in a toxic friendship. Also, make sure to leave us a like,
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