In english-speaking cultures,
we have a saying:
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
It's essentially an expression
that's meant to convey wisdom in the form of a warning.
This expression means
don't unintentionally get rid of something good or useful
because you recognize something as all bad
or are trying to get rid of its negative aspects.
It means don't reject the favorable along with the unfavorable.
But this is what so many of us do in our lives
and in our relationships.
And as a result, we end up in an all negative world
that is completely devoid of all resources.
We end up starving.
So you can understand what I mean by:
"Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater",
So you can understand some examples of how this ruins our lives,
I'm gonna give you some of these examples now.
A company has a very diligent accountant.
This accountant is passive aggressive in company conflicts.
As a result, the company fires him
instead of keeping him on for his skills while finding ways to minimize
or mitigate the impact of his flaw on his fellow employees.
A woman has a very close friend for years,
despite that friend having proven her loyalty and value,
when they have minor conflict over the difference of opinion,
this woman ends the friendship.
A teacher is full of all kinds of amazing information,
the student perceives him to be off-base
when it comes to one or two of his teachings
and as a result the student begins to doubt all of his teachings
and decides to not learn from him or listen to him anymore.
A couple had a four-year relationship.
During that time they both gained a lot,
but when they break up,
they devalue the relationship and each other in entirety
and say it was a waste of four years of their life.
But here's a little thing that most people don't know;
This pattern doesn't just cause us to lose valuable things in our life,
it also makes it so that we don't take them in
or consider them or use them as resources, to begin with.
This aspect of this pattern
is actually what causes us to unintentionally starve ourselves.
So you can understand this flipside of the coin
of this particular pattern,
I'm going to give you some more examples;
A company is in the process of hiring a new manager.
They're looking at hiring a person
who is overqualified, in fact for the job
and has incredible leadership skills.
However, this is a person who is deaf.
The company is worried
that the employees aren't going to take this person seriously
and their leadership skills seriously,
because of the fact that he mispronounces his words
sometimes when he speaks.
So they don't hire him in the first place.
A woman is dating a man.
He's affectionate, he's devoted
and this is quite frankly, on these dates
the best time she's ever had with a man.
Except for one thing;
This man is still friends with his ex-girlfriend.
And his refusal to get rid of that relationship
and do away with it,
makes her super super insecure.
Because of this,
she decides not to commit to a long term relationship with him.
A man needs friendship badly.
Every person he meets
seems to meet some of his criteria for friendship but not others.
For example, one person is super fun to hang out with but is flaky.
The other is incredible having deep reflective conversation
but isn't particularly helpful when he needs her to actually lend a hand.
The other is super helpful, but dumb as a stump.
Instead of simply valuing them for what each is good at
and going to one versus another when he has a specific need,
he rates them all off and says he has no friends.
I'm gonna give you one more example;
It's an example of another way that we starve ourselves
or play out this pattern,
but that most people wouldn't catch.
I want you to imagine that a woman has a friend
and that friend is complimenting her
a lot in fact,
but that friend decides one day
to give her a piece of negative feedback
about something that's not particularly really up to par
about her.
Based off of that one comment,
she decides that every positive thing that friend has ever said to her is a lie.
It's almost like she's vomiting up
all of the good stuff that she has been given and throwing it out.
Like all of it was disqualified.
And not only that,
any further compliment this woman says,
she decides not to trust.
When we are stuck in this pattern,
we're stuck in a subconscious pattern
of disqualification and rejection.
But here's the thing,
we are always,
I mean literally always,
going to be able to find something about anything
that disqualifies it.
We will always be able to find some excuse
to reject the totality of something
that we're in front of.
I have a super good example of this
and a personal one if you'd like it.
I was holding one of my events
and on this particular day
a woman stood up in front of the entire group and she said:
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
I just cannot take anything that you are saying seriously,
because you are wearing high heels on grass.
I thought you were supposed to be some wise guru.
How am I supposed to take a woman seriously,
who wears high heels on grass?"
She went on to say:
"Thank you for showing me
that it is time for me to step up into my purpose
and to teach people."
And she walked out and asked for her money back.
When we are stuck in this pattern
what we are really trying to do
is avoid pain and avoid fear.
When we've been hurt in our interpersonal relationships,
we become guillotine happy.
Any little thing that even mildly suggests
that it could lead us to getting hurt,
makes us reject something or even cut it off in its entirety.
For people who struggle with this in close relationships,
they often struggle with intimacy phobia.
For this reason,
It may benefit you to watch my video titled:
Fear of Intimacy (How to Overcome Your Fear of Intimacy)
When we're afraid that something's going to hurt us,
we don't want to keep it
and we also don't want to even take it in in the first place.
Essentially what happens is that receiving anything
becomes dependent upon the totality of that thing being safe.
But here's the problem with that:
There are very few things in existence, if any,
that actually meet that criteria.
So we end up starving.
Because shadows around receiving
are such a key element of this dynamic,
I suggest you watch my video titled:
How to Receive
Also, when we have this pattern,
because we're trying to stay safe,
we end up with black and white thinking.
Now an element of black & white thinking
is that we have a very hard time holding space
for people's excellence and their deficiencies at the same time.
When we can't do this,
we fail to put people in the right place in our lives.
For example,
Man and woman's life is super sexy and adventurous,
but he is more committed to his own fun,
than to the happiness of other people.
So he's unreliable when he is needed by others.
Because of what she needs in a partner,
he's incompatible to her as a partner.
But if she cuts him off entirely,
she may be losing someone who can add incredible zest to her life
and someone who's able to offer her tons of adventure as a friend.
It may be beneficial
to think of people and things in your life as puzzle pieces.
Instead of automatically disqualifying or rejecting things
because they aren't the full puzzle picture,
you can recognize that each person
in your life and each thing in your life,
represents one or multiple
of these puzzle pieces.
And if you put them all together,
they add up to the ultimate picture of your life.
If you put them in the right place
considering their specific areas of excellence and intrinsic nature and gifts,
all of a sudden,
they represent incredible value
to the overall picture of your life.
You will experience an abundant life
where you can actually recognize
which needs of yours can be met where.
Because you will suddenly recognize yourself to be
surrounded with valuable resources.
We need to recognize compatibilities and incompatibilities
in order to figure out where someone fits into the puzzle of our lives
and what to resource them for.
For this reason it would greatly benefit you to watch my video titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
Again, you are always going to be able to find
negatives or unfavorables about anything that you look at.
But if you use that to disqualify and reject
basically everything that's in front of you,
what will happen is you will end up in an absolute desert
of a life experience.
A desert of a world,
that is absent of all resources.
You will end up starving.
Unsupported and feeling completely alone.
It's critical that you don't miss the gift that is inherent
in each and every single thing in existence.
And in fact, the time has come
for you to develop yourself
in the direction
of being able to recognize
keep and take in,
what value and what gifts
each thing in existence
actually possess.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com