- Why do men go from hot to then cold
then hot, then cold and back again?
So I'm gonna try a new format
which is the Ask Adam Anything series.
I'm taking your questions,
whether it's from YouTube or Instagram
or from the e-mail list
or even my Sexy Confidence club members,
and I answer your questions in a video.
(gentle music)
This week's question is from Anna H.
One day, he gives me compliments
and tells me how much he likes me,
and the next day, no messages
and he ignores me all of a sudden.
(beep) guys.
Anna, you are definitely not alone on this one,
so let me jump into three reasons why this happens.
Wait, can we just go back to that comment real quick
and just notice that that was edited, so I wonder.
Did she go back and add (beep) guys at the end?
Now look, I think there's nothing more annoying
than when someone tells you how much they like you
or they care about you, and then they completely ghost.
And by the way, women are also guilty of this same thing.
And this is something back in the day
when I used to coach men
on how to meet all you sexy single ladies.
We used to call this orbiters, okay?
And an orbiter is basically someone that you're talking to
or texting, you're trying to meet up with,
and they'll respond to you, and they might even tell you
that they like you and they're interested in you.
But then at the same token, they'll never meet up with you,
and worse, sometimes they'll just completely ghost.
Basically they are just kind of in your orbit,
and they don't really add any value.
Hey, chances are you have some orbiters,
or some guys that are kinda like in your world
and maybe they'll talk to you and maybe, certainly online,
if you're on any dating apps on the planet,
there are orbiters in your life,
but also maybe guys you're talking to.
But at the same token, you are also probably an orbiter
to some guys that you're talking to.
Guys you'll text with, but eh, not really interested
in meeting up with.
So I should say that orbiting is commonplace
but it's kind of a (beep) way to date and live your life.
So let's dive into three reasons why this might happen.
Number one is just validation.
If he is single and he is maybe talking to another girl,
maybe he gets blown off, what's he gonna do?
He's gonna come back to someone else that he's talking to,
maybe it's you, and just wanna get that validation
that hey, he's still got it, you know?
He may not be interested in you,
he may not be interested in dating you,
but he just wants that kind of hit of dopamine
that says, look, I'm still worthy.
And by the way, this is a really (beep) way
to live your life.
Whenever you're going around, seeking validation from others
you're chasing something that will never be fulfilled,
because you can never be fully validated from others.
Instead, what I've found, are people
who are truly, internally confident
and have a good internal scorecard.
I talked about this a few months ago in a video.
Whenever you do that, suddenly what happens
is you truly stop caring as much
about what other people think about you.
Certainly what strangers think about you,
and you don't need that type of validation,
just, especially from someone
who's just gonna respond to your texts.
Reason number two is just straight up loneliness.
I mean, it's been said that we are the loneliest generation
in all of human history, and I think in may ways,
that is true, especially, even with texting.
Yes, you can text someone
and think that you're connecting with someone,
but you're not.
Only when you're face to face do you actually develop
real life connection with someone,
and you stop feeling as lonely.
So maybe the guy had a bad day or a lonely day
and things aren't going well for him,
and he just wanted to reach out to you and say,
hey, I just wanna say, I really like you a lot,
and then the next day, he's out with his friends,
and he's talking to other women
or he's got other things going on in his life.
Well, that's, he was just lonely that day,
and he wanted to have that brief connection.
It's (beep), but it's possible.
And reason number three is probably the most likely reason
is that he has some internal conflict.
On one side, he is attracted to you and he does like you.
He says all these things, especially when he's feeling
a certain level of emotions for you,
but at the same token, he's got something holding him back
from actually wanting to spend time with you
or certainly commit to you.
Whether that is maybe logistical reasons,
you live far apart from each other,
maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now
maybe he has financial issues, maybe he's got,
he's still involved with his ex.
He could have a number of different reasons
why he can't actually give in to that feeling,
and this conflict is what's going to cause him, one day,
to say, man, I am really into this woman,
and then the next day, be completely uninterested.
So the question then is,
what do you do with this information?
I'm gonna give you a piece of advice
that I wish I knew back in my early 20s
that took me about four years of my life to finally learn,
and that is that if someone is not showing
that they are clearly interested in you,
then they're not interested in you, period.
Only invest your time in people
who are showing clear, positive intentions with you.
I remember I used to spend 90% of my emotional energy
trying to get the women who didn't like me,
trying to get them to like me,
where there was this other group of women
who were naturally interested in me.
And because I was immature,
I was always chasing the women who weren't interested in me,
because at the time, it felt like kind of a game.
Until like a light bulb hit with me,
and that was that, if I'm in conversation with someone
or I'm talking to someone or we're starting to date,
and they are not just clearly all in interested,
then you know what?
It's done.
So no more analyzing.
If you have to analyze something to death
and you just wonder, is he interested?
Is he not interested?
He's hot then he's cold, then you know what?
Just cut the (beep), move on with your life,
and find a committed relationship that actually works.
And by the way, if you do want a little help in that area,
I have a great free training that can help you.
I'll leave the link right in the comments
or in the bio if you're watching this on Instagram.
It's gonna teach you how to find commitment
in the 21st century.
And also, if you enjoyed format of video,
make sure you comment right there below,
whether it's on Instagram or YouTube
or wherever else on social media.
Comment right there below,
and I'll be able to answer your question
in the next Ask Me Anything.
And of course, don't forget to subscribe on YouTube
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and finally, if you enjoyed this video,
make sure you head on over to sexyconfidence.com
where I have a ton of resources
that will help you through every single stage
of finding love and keeping love.
Thank you so much for watching you sexy single lady.
I'll speak to you next week.
Bye bye.