*jazzy background music plays*
Hi.
My name is Dan, and welcome to
Story Time!
With Dan!
Today I will be telling you one of the worst things I have ever been through in my entire life.
That I have never really told anyone.
This is
*kids "woahhhhhhh"*
Some of you guys will know that I had two jobs as a teenager, that I...
wasn't that good at.
Now my first job was at a D.I.Y. store
that I eventually got fired from.
But-
There was one very, very
serious incident that
definitely contributed towards me getting fired.
Now at the store that was all about
building and plumbing and power tools
the managers could see how much I knew
about all that stuff, so they
basically gave me all the jobs
that a duck with no eyes could probably do.
Manager: Alright Jenny and Tom, you get the fork lift and
move the barrels of acid into the warehouse.
Dan: I want to help! :D
*dramatic chord*
Manager: Uhhhh
Manager: No! I have very important job
for you, Dan!
Dan: *gasps excitedly* Really? :D
Manager: Yes, you should dust the checkouts!
*throws towel*
Dan: *drops scissors*
Now the thing I should explain about the
store is how ridiculously f**king s**t
it was as a business.
I had no training whatsoever,
there was no security.
In fact, there was only ONE working security camera in the WHOLE building.
And it was pointed at the chocolate bars by the welcome desk.
And it was in black and white.
And no one looked at the screen, and
it didn't even record anything.
Right, so I was just dusting away like Snow White,
except I'd probably get slapped if I started whistling.
When I looked under the desk and saw a
big
red
button.
Now, in life, I think it's given that
if you see a big, red, button
and you don't know what it is,
you PROBABLY shouldn't press it.
But come on, I'm human, who the f**k wouldn't press the big red button?
So I considered it for a bit. . .
And just pressed the button.
...And nothing happened.
I was honestly slightly disappointed that nothing exploded
so I just decided to get back to work
when about five minuted later, my manager
comes into the room and starts screaming-
Manager: WHO DID IT?
Dan: Huh? :/
Manager: Oh my God, WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT?
Employee 1: What is it?
Manager: Someone pressed the Panic Alarm.
Employee 1: WHAT?! Are you serious?
Dan's Thoughts: Ohhh, right. . .
How the f**k was I supposed to know it was a Panic Alarm?!
No one told me!
I didn't think they could afford them!
Yeah, yeah, don't press red buttons...
It turns out pressing one of these sends
an emergency signal to the nearest police station
who basically think someone's holding people hostage.
Manager: I JUST HAD TO TELL THE POLICE TO CANCEL THE S.W.A.T. TEAM THEY WERE SENDING OVER
AND WE HAVE BEEN FINED FIFTEEN THOUSAND POUNDS.
Dan: Oops.
*claps* This wasn't just an "oops",
this was REAL serious business, ACTUAL money, and
oh s**t, the POLICE are involved serious business.
And it was MY FAULT.
So he went away, and I tried my best to look
not at all suspicious-looking, thinking that
if I could just ride out the next couple hours,
I could go home.
OHHHH NO!
*school bell rings*
Dan: ALRIGHT! Time to PLAY SOME HALO!! :D
Manager: Right, everyone stay where you are.
Employee 2: UGH! What?
Dan: :[
Manager: No one is leaving 'til the person admits they pressed the alarm.
Dan's Thoughts: CRAP.
Now THIS is the moment when any normal human
being with a brain that ISN'T
cripplingly awkward probably just say:
Dan: Ok, I think it might have been me-
It was an accident though. I mean, no one told me that we
had Panic Alarms, so I must have just, y'know, brushed
against it accidentally.
Manager: Oh, well, that's understandable, no one's really at fault then.
Huah! Let's all join hands and run into the sunset! :)
*innocent, field frolicking music plays*
But me? What did I do?
Manager: Was it you Dan?
Employee 2: It was probably Dan.
Dan: No?
*facepalm*
And this is when it all went VERY downhill.
Employee 1: Ugh. Can't we go? It's Friday night!
Manager: NOPE! You're all in SHUTDOWN!
This is Guantanamo Bay, mother f**kers, and
no one's leaving until the DISGUSTING,
LYING
CHEATING SCUMBAG
that pressed that button
ADMITS to their horrific crime!
*dramatic music plays*
Manager: Right, well I didn't want it to have to come to
this, but I can just who was logged on to the
checkout at the time.
F**k.
I don't know why I didn't own up to it at the start
when it would have been okay, but I was in too deep
now. I dug a hole all the way through to
China, and there was NO going back.
This may be entertaining to you, but you need to
understand, my whole world
was ending.
All I could do was just stand there,
waiting for death.
Ready for Satan's giant c**k to erupt
from the ground and f**k me up the a**! (Thanks for that image, Dan)
That was a bit weird.
It wasn't the thought of what my manager would do to me
or losing my job that I was afraid of.
It was just inevitable disappointment
of my friends that moment when they
all realized it was me, and just turn
around, and look at me.
Y'know?
Thus proceeded the longest ten seconds of my entire life.
Manager: Right!
Employee 1: Good, finally, we can find out who did it!
*suspenseful music plays*
Manager: It was Dan.
Silence.
And all the eyes turned to me.
World implodes.
I don't have time to feel embarrassed or sad,
'cause I'm too busy DEVOURING MYSELF INWARDS
into a VORTEX of AGONY.
At that moment, I just wanted the universe to delete itself.
Now my friends weren't really angry, or at all irritated,
like I thought. They just looked more
sad, almost as if they pitied me,
just for being so awkward.
The kind of look you'd give a disabled goose.
Employee 1: Good luck, mate.
Manager: *cracks knuckles*
Dan: *gulp*
Yeah, you can probably imagine the following
"conversation" I had with my manager.
But this was when a ray of light shone through the clouds.
There was an old lady, about eighty-two who was just stood there,
holding the keys,
and out of nowhere she just said-
Old Lady: Oh, I was at the checkout earlier, actually!
I must have accidentally hit the button with my knee!
*dramatic chord*
*Dan laughs to himself*
I knew I pressed the button, but at this point
I had no problem whatsoever throwing her under the bus.
Dan: Ah, yes, that WOULD explain it!
Completely.
Manager: ...Well that's okay, Joyce. Mistakes happen.
Dan: Are you f**king kidding me?
I think deep down he knew that I'd done it, but
if it wasn't for Joyce, he would have probably eaten me.
Literally.
..Or just stapled me to the wall and covered me with
bird food, I don't know.
So then I merrily skipped home and spent the next three
hours doing this:
And there we go! That is how
I successfully exploited the elderly woman
into getting me out of a terrible, terrible,
spiral of lies.
*children cheer*
Now if you think that I couldn't possibly get myself in a worse situation than that,
then you may be very interested in watching part 2 of this saga,
which you can watch by clicking here.
Or if you're on an iPod, I will put a link to it down in the description, I guess.
Or you can see me and AmazingPhil in an episode of the Flora One show
having a deep meaningful conversation, which you can watch here.
But if you just stumbled across me, and you very much enjoyed laughing at me, then
you can click here to subscribe to my channel to see more of my videos.
I can pretty much promise that there will be more stories like this in the future. That's guaranteed.
But I hope that this video's made whatever week you've just had look slightly better.
See you next week!