'It's a dinosaur Hector, a big flash-eating dinosaur.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
Something a bit lighter this week as we look at Dinosaurus!
Dinosaurus!
Out for a swim, Betty Piper has a shock,
and is taken to the beach to be… revived.
'Ok, just take it easy Betty. Alright everybody back to work.'
Well I can’t do it with you all watching.
But what has she seen?
‘A green monster with a head the size of this room.’
‘What do I have to do to make you believe me.’
The hysterical ramblings a woman,
‘2 huge ugly dinosaurs, perfectly preserved at the bottom of the channel’
The unshakeable testimony of a man.
A T-rex and a brontosaurus are found frozen beneath the sea bed.
‘Is he alive senor Bart?’
‘No he’s not alive.’
You might want to hold off on that.
Bart Thompson is a stereotypical hero,
‘If I had enough time I’d give you both a spanking’
Okay. Incidentally the large gentleman there is known only by his nickname.
'Oh no, not again Dumpy.'
I assume there’s a story behind it.
‘Somebody had a sloppy feast in here Bart.’
You guys should think before you speak.
Anyway, Bart leaves the dinosaurs in the charge of an Irish stereotype,
‘How are you feeling my fine strapping babes’
and…
The brontosaurus wakes first.
Oh no, tell me we didn’t do it.
This has to be seen as a kid’s movie, exemplified by young Julio, who exclaims every line.
‘Boy oh Boy I better investigate further.’
and has toys resembling these very dinosaurs.
‘Oh yes, I play with them all the time. They are my friends.’
Ah that’s sad.
'On no please senior they are my friends.'
That’s sadder but it’s typical of Mike Hacker,
whose every line seems to assume that we might forget he’s the bad guy.
‘And you, get that foolish machine out of here.’
Abusing women…
'But I want you.'
Children…
and committing grand theft neanderthal.
Yes, there’s a frozen caveman as well,
presumably because they are much cheaper to realise.
Plus, comedy gold.
Having said this is a kid’s movie the tone is actually very inconsistent,
one minute the caveman is re-enacting a Marx brothers routine,
next, the Irishman is getting messily devoured.
With the T-Rex going all Jurassic Park.
Bart springs into action, corralling the islanders towards a hill fort.
But Julio is missing and Hacker’s not going to look for him.
‘We’re looking for the caveman, not that brat.’
Bad guy, remember?
Julio has found the brontosaurus.
‘We are going to be friends. You and me.’
How sweet. He also runs into the caveman.
‘I’ll be your friend. I'll show you.’
Julio is desperate for friends and oblivious to the fact that everyone is looking for him.
‘Bart, it’s Julio’
Anything you’d like to add? Maybe mention he’s riding a dinosaur!
‘I never had so much fun in my life.’
But as Betty runs from the T-Rex.
Will Bart save her?
No, the caveman will.
‘I really don’t know how to thank you’
this could be awkward.
‘You want me to cook it?’
Separated by millennia but the role of women hasn’t changed much.
Still could be worse.
‘And we’ll keep all other thoughts out of our romantic little neanderthal mind, OK?’
But now it's Julio who needs saving.
and the caveman is there again, as the dinosaurs fight,
given the budget the stop motion animation is pretty decent,
though it doesn’t always match the puppets also being used,
Incidentally, the models were built by Marcel Delgado who built the models for King Kong.
Julio loses another friend.
No, it’s alright, he survived the fight…
'Look he's head straight for the quicksand!'
and walks straight into quicksand.
At least Julio’s got the caveman.
Oh dear.
‘The mail boat will soon be here, you’re probably gonna get the airplane from the cereal box’
Maybe that can be your friend.
The islanders make it to the fort and there is a fiery stand-off with the T-Rex.
What I like most here is the man in the background,
who remains there throughout this sequence with an attitude of
‘These white people are crazy’
As the T Rex keeps coming, Bart takes action,
'Get away from them you bitch!'
credit where credit’s due, I like a movie that ends with a fight between a dinosaur and a digger.
This is kind of a nothing film, inoffensive enough, but,
I’ve got to say; one of the major things we criticise in reviews is a lack of empathy for the characters.
‘Why did the caveman have to die?’
This film ought to be called the Discrete Tragedy of Julio.
Literally everything in the movie he calls friend dies.
And Bart is little comfort.
‘How would you like it if you woke in the 21st century – no home, no friends?’
I don’t have any friends now!
Thanks for watching. To see all our dinosaur movie reviews click here.
What other characters have you cared about in bad movies? Let us know in the comments below.
'Hey don't you think you should head on home?'