Women, we should just admit
this has never been about equality.
You don't want to be equal, you want to be better than men!
Admit it!
You want to do to men what men did to us.
You want to rule the world.
You want to line the streets with tampons
and fill the fountains with Chardonnay.
You want to repeat what a man said in the meeting
and have a boss go, "Good idea, Cheryl."
You want to hold power in your hands,
and that'll never happen
because men will knock it away with their strong, strong arms.
Just settle for equality.
And maybe a place to breastfeed that isn't a closet.
'Cause we are. We're getting really--
We're getting really mad at men these days.
We're blaming a lot on men.
Especially white men.
We're really going after you guys pretty hard.
And I'm not saying you don't deserve it.
You have been sneaky little devils.
Tricksters, even.
But I do think white women, it's our turn to admit
that we are also part of the problem.
I know, it's really uncomfortable.
White women are like, "I did not come here for this."
Others are like, "Me?
No, you can't blame me!
I didn't do anything!"
Yes.
Exactly.
We just sat there the whole time being like,
"I mean, I guess. I don't know."
Plus, some of the stuff white men did,
I can't even believe was their idea.
Like, some of the stuff was too clever.
Like, when we gave Native Americans blankets
with smallpox
that was definitely a woman's idea.
That has "mean girl" written all over it.
A man would have just been, like,
"We'll stab 'em and throw 'em in a river."
And then, a woman was like, "No, no.
Let's give 'em blankets.
'Cause then they'll think we're friends,
and we'll be like, 'Bye!'"
And the white women of my generation,
we have completely abandoned white men.
We blame everything on you.
Even though you pay our rent, we blame everything on you.
We're like, "They did it! It was them! We couldn't, our arms."
We are the exact opposite of ride-or-die.
We are ride-and- flee-immediately.
We're all Rose from the Titanic.
We grabbed a door
and we shoved a white man into the sea.
"Like, I am literally freezing."
I should say, I do like to do all my historical women
as millennials.
Like, it's just more fun to do history that way.
Like, all the women on the Titanic would have been like,
"It's so annoying the boat sunk."
"Like, how do you not see an iceberg?"
That -- That had to be the main discussion
on all of the lifeboats, right?
It was just a bunch of women being like,
"So, he just didn't see it?"
"Isn't that, like, literally his whole job?
This is the most random ocean."
"I'm starving."
And, like, we're living in a time right now where, like,
a lot of people are confronting their oppression,
and white women are really trying to be a part of that.
We love being parts of stuff.
We just want to be invited.
You know, maybe do a little light decorating.
Perhaps take it over completely.
And I'm not saying white women weren't oppressed.
You know, for the longest time we couldn't vote
or have bank accounts,
but for the most part,
we had nicer houses.
So it was a very different oppression.
It was a very air-conditioned oppression.
You know, we were the only ones
in four-poster mahogany beds
being like, "Sometimes things aren't fair for me."
That's where, men, you were very smart.
This was a genius move.
You kept us comfortable.
That was very smart.
It's almost impossible to start a revolution from under a duvet.
And then when we did start fighting for equality,
we didn't even do that right.
We were like, "We want jobs!"
And then Black women were like,
"We have those!
In your house! We're working for you right now!
Your son calls me 'Mom' often!"
Then we were like, "This is really confusing.
Plus, the baby's crying. Can you go do that?
Yucky."