>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, WE LOVE DOING THE LIVE SHOWS.
WE'RE LIVE RIGHT HERE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK,
NEW YORK, THE BIG CITY OF DREAMS.
THAT'S A LIVE ODDIGENCE, JON.
YOU CAN'T FAKE A LIVE AUDIENCE-- LEGALLY, YOU CAN'T FAKE IT.
HERE'S THE THING-- WE LOVE DOING THE LIVE SHOWS AFTER THE DEBATE,
BUT WATCHING ALL THIS COVERAGE OF THE IMPEACHMENT TODAY AND THE
POLITICAL IN-FIGHTING TONIGHT REMINDS ME THEY RECENTLY
TRAVELED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD TO GET AWAY FROM ALL
THAT.
AND ALL THIS WEEK, I'M SO EXCITED, BECAUSE WE'RE
CELEBRATING NEWS.
AND TONIGHT I WANT TO TACKLE SOMETHING NEAR AND DEAR TO ALL
KIWIS: THEIR NATIONAL SPORT, RUGBY.
WHEN I WAS DOWN THERE, I MET UP WITH SOME LEGENDS OF THE
WINNINGEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS, THE "NEW ZEALAND ALL
BLACKS."
JIM?
>> NEW ZEALAND-- THE LAND OF RUGBY.
BUT WHAT IS A RUGBY?
I MET WITH BROADCASTER LAURA McGOLD RICK, AND RETIRED
ALL-BLACK STARS PIRI WEEPU AND DJ FORBES TO FIND OUT.
WHAT DOES THE NAME "ALL BLACKS" MEAN?
>> IT HAS TO DO WITH THE UNIFORMS.
BECAUSE THE GUYS WEAR ALL BLACK.
WE KEEP IT SIMPLE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A TEAM IN THE UNITED STATES CALLED THE ALL
WHITES, AND IT'S THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
( LAUGHTER )
ZEALAND?
>> IT'S HUGELY IMPORTANT.
IT'S PART OF OUR MAKEUP, ISN'T TPLAYING RUGBY, BECAUSE EVERYONE
CAN PLAY IT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER SHAPE, SIZE -- >> Stephen: EVERYBODY CAN
PLAY?
>> EVEN YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT.
WHAT ARE THE POSITIONS.
>> D.J. SAY FORWARD.
THERE ARE EIGHT FORWARDS AND SEVEN BACKS.
TWO PROPS, A HOOKER, TWO LOCKS, THREE LOOSE FORWARDS, A
HALF-BACK, A CENTER, TWO WINGERS, AND A FULL-BACK.
>> AND THE FORDS ARE ONE TO EIGHT, BACKS ARE NINE TO 15.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I DIDN'T GET ALL OF THAT...
>> WE CAN WRITE THAT DOWN FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: RIGHT OF WRITE THAT DOWN.
WE HAVE A DIAGRAM, FLOWCHART, MAYBE A FELT BOARD?
DJ, YOU'RE A RUGBY PLAYER.
YOU'RE AN OLYMPIAN.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE AN UNDERWEAR MODEL.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A MESSAGE I'M SUPPOSED TO DELIVER TO YOU
ON BEHALF OF ALL REGULAR MEN: KNOCK IT OFF.
( LAUGHTER )
CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO RUGBY?
>> WE CAN DEFINITELY.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET MY PADDING ON.
IT WAS TIME.
AND I WAS READY.
LET'S DO SOME SPORTS, KIWI STYLE.
FIRST UP, I LEARNED HOW TO ATTACK THINGS.
>> IF YOU GET INTO FEET-TO-FEET...
>> Stephen: CAKE.
>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: CAKE, MY FRIEND.
ALL RIGHT.
IMENT YOU TO KNOW, I PLAYED FOOTBALL FOR MY HIGH SCHOOL.
FOR ONE DAY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WE DID TWO IN A DAY.
I THROUGH UP FOR MOIST OF THE MORNING.
THE AFTERNOON, I THREW UP MOST THAT.
I SAID TO MY COACH, "THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY, BUT I DON'T
THINK THIS IS MY GAME."
AND HE SAID, "WELL, COLBERT, I DON'T THINK SO, EITHER."
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT!
COME ON!
WOOOOO!
WOOO-WOOO!
OH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOT IT.
HE HIT ME BACK.
YELLOW CARD!
YELLOW CARD ON THE TACKLING DUMMY.
>> DID HE GIVE YOU A FOREARM?
>> Stephen: HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE.
>> HE WILL HAVE TWO MINUTES ON THE SIDELINE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE'S OUT.
HE'S OUT.
YOU'RE OUT.
>> DO YOU WANT IT TACKLE DJ NOW?
>> Stephen: SURE.
ALSO, MY PRODUCER IS FIRED.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A MERIT BADGE IN PAIN, MY MAN!
WOOO!
HERE WE GO!
YOU WANT TO CALL YOUR MOMMY BEFORE WE DO THIS?
SAY GOODBYE?
>> BYE-BYE, MOMMY.
YOU HAVE NO KILLER ANIMALS DOWN HERE.
NOTHING CAN KILL OW THIS ISLAND.
YOU LET A BEAR NA COLBERT!
HERE IT COMES!
WATCH OUT!
WOOO!
THAT'S NOT FAIR!
THAT'S NOT-- HOW IS THAT FAIR?
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD!
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD.
>> TIME OUT.
>> Stephen: I DO NEED TO TAKE ONE LITTLE-- DO YOU HAVE ANY
ADVIL?
NEXT I LEARNED THE SUBTLE ART OF THE LINE OUT.
>> I THINK YOU WOULD BE A PERFECT JUMPER.
>> Stephen: GREAT, SURE.
>> DO YOU AGREE?
>> Stephen: I HAVE ABOUT A SIX-INCH VERTICAL.
>> ARE TRYING TO GAIN POSITION OF THE BALL, AND THEY ARE TRYING
TO STEAL.
YOU HAVE TO THROAT BALL STRAIGHT DOWNTOWN MIDDLE OF TWO TEAMS.
YOU'RE TRYING TO REGAIN POSITION.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS LIKE A JUMP BALL IN BASKETBALL.
>> RIGHT.
THREE, TWO, ONE.
♪ I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU
( APPLAUSE )
IN THE CORNER!
NOW IT WAS TIME TO MASTER THE KICK.
>> HE'S GOING TO PLACES I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE GOING TO PRACTICE FOR THREE TIMES.
HE'S ASKING FOR QUIET.
OR APPLAUSE.
I'M NOT SURE WHEN BON ONE HE'S ASKING FOR.
HE'S ASKING FOR APPLAUSE.
NOW, WE'RE APPLAUDING AGAIN.
( APPLAUSE )
A HALF AND HALF.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT HALF-- THIS IS VERY-- THIS IS ONE HEADQUARTER
OF A BUILD-UP TO A RELATIVELY EASY KICK RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE
POSTS.
HE LOOKS NERVOUS.
RIGHTLY SO.
TOUGH DAY.
OH, HE'S GOING BACK TO THE BALL NOW.
HE'S NOT HAPPY-- HE'S KICKING-- WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
HE'S GOING THROUGH IT.
HERE WE GO.
MAYBE THIS TIME?
TWINKLE TOES.
THIS TIME!
THERE IT IS!
WELL DONE!
( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH.
>> Stephen: FINALLY, PIRI AND DJ TAUGHT ME SOMETHING CALLED
"SCRUM."
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
>> A SCRUM MACHINE.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO PUSH THIS SLED?
>> WE'RE GOING TO TRY.
>> Stephen: I CAN SEE WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE?
>> I'LL TRY TO MOVE IT.
>> NOT BAD!
NOT BAD!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> FEET UP.
SQUEEZE!
YEAH!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOOO!
YEAH!
WOOOO!
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!
>> YOU OKAY?
>> Stephen: I NEED A BREAK.
THESE MEN WERE NO LONGER MY TEAMMATES.
THEY WERE MY BROTHERS, BROTHERS WITH OBVIOUS REPRESSED ANGER
ISSUES, WHO TAUGHT ME THEIR SPORT WITH GRACE.
BUT, SADLY, IT WAS TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.
ANOTHER FAELZ, COMMIN.
BRING IT IN.
GRAB A KNEE.
GRAB A KNEE Y'ALL.
OKAY, I WANT EVERYBODY OUT THERE TO BE BEARING DOWN, OKAY.
YOU'VE GOT TO HUNKER DOWN.
YOU'VE GOT TO WANT IT.
HOW MUCH ARE WE GOING TO GIVE?
>> ALL OF IT.
>> Stephen: NOT, NOT ALL OF IT.
MORE THAN ALL.
110%.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND!
OF ME!
>> YES, SIR!
>> Stephen: YOU ARE THE ALL BLACKS, OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT SOME BLACK.
YOU'RE NOT MOSTLY BLACKS.
YOU'RE ALL BLACKS.
OKAY, BRING IT IN.
BRING IT IN RIGHT HERE, OKAY.
I JUST WANT YOU BOYS TON I BELIEVE IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF
YOU, OKAY?
CLEARIZE, FULL HEART, CAN'T LOSE.
LET'S GO!
YEAH!
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT UP ON THE HERE TODAY WITH YOU
FOLKS, I LEFT IT ALL OUT ON THE FIELD.
AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY, BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IF MY QUADS
HAVE ENOUGH STRENGTH TO CARRY ME BACK TO THAT BUILDING OVER
THERE.
SO IF YOU GUYS COULD JUST GIVE ME A LIFT BACK, THAT WOULD BE
AGREEMENT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.