When it comes... When it comes down to it,
like, towards the end of
the immigration process, it's very easy.
You just have to take an
American history exam, okay?
It's really, really easy. The thing is,
I didn't see it come together like this.
Check this out. The lady who's giving this exam...
She's originally Chinese, which is fine,
but she had a really thick Chinese accent.
Which is fine, also. I just didn't see it
coming together like this at the end.
She was more excited for me than I was for myself.
I turned the corner and she was like,
"Oh! Oh! Today big day!
Today big day!"
I was like... "Um...
Is this the American citizenship office?"
She's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you in the right place.
Come in, come in, come in, sit down, sit down, sit down!"
Wow! She goes, "Okay, fuh question."
I was like, "What?
Did you just say, 'Fuck question'?"
She didn't even stutter. She was like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuh question."
She goes, "OK, who the fuh president
of the United States?" I was like...
I was like, "Bush."
She was like, "Correct-ah!"
Says, "Come on, I know you praying. I look at your file.
You been waiting here 20 year.
Here's a Mohammed key chain.
Congratulation! Get out of here."
I was like, "Oh!"
It was dope. It was that fast.
It was like, "Oh, my God, this is so easy,"
and then she goes,
"No, no, you have to go to interview."
And it's just like one more interrogation
for old times' sake, you know?
Standing out there, I got to
know this guy named Javier.
We became really close. We were
both nervous together. I'm like...
"Hi, Javier, you doing good, my friend?"
"Yes, I'm well, but I'm really nervous."
"Yeah. Me too, my friend, me too."
"I've been waiting here two hours.
I don't know what's going on, but I'm nervous."
"I am too, I am too."
All of a sudden, the door opens up.
"Come on in."
"Uh... Me or Javier?"
"You, sir. Please, come on in."
"He's pointing at me, Javier."
"Be careful."
"Sit down." "Okay."
"Please answer yes or no to the following questions."
"Okay.
I mean yes. No. Whatever.
I'm just nervous."
" 'Fuck' question.
Have you or anybody else
you know been involved with
or given funds to from the time period
of 1933 to 1945 with the Nazi Party?"
I was like, "What?"
I was like, "Oh! Oh, you're kidding!
I thought you were serious, man.
You had me so nervous."
"Please answer yes or no."
"No, I was not involved
with the Nazi Party whatsoever, man.
I wasn't even born. I don't know,
I don't know what you're talking about."
"Next question.
Have you or anybody else
you know been involved with
or given funds to any terrorist
organizations, Mr. Mohammed?"
Super-racist! I was like, "No, of course not.
I ain't... I have to ask you a question.
Who the hell says yes?" Okay?
Seriously, it baffles my mind.
Is this an effective method
of capturing terrorists worldwide?
I mean, did you catch
somebody off-guard at some point?
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Have you been sittin' there like,
'Have you or anybody else you know
been involved with any terrorist--'
'You got me! Ohhh!
Ohhh!
You are so tricky, you know?
Two more minutes, I was gonna kill
all you mother-bitches, you know?
Here's the bomb. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
All right, all right, all right, take it, take it, all right."
"Hey, cut the green wire, okay?
I'm just kidding. The blue one, all right?"
"I don't know!' Huh?"