- I can't believe she broke up with me. (playful music)
She kept saying I was too critical.
And you know what, that's another thing
I can't stand about her.
In light of our recent breakup, here is an itemized list
of my belongings, which I will need returned to me,
by the 15th of this month.
And please do not try to hold on to any mementos,
because you will be audited.
You're breaking up with me?
Wait, we were dating, is that what was happening?
You're doing such a great job breaking up with me.
I know this is so difficult, but you're doing fantastic.
Really, now, take a deep breath (inhaling),
(exhaling) there ya go.
Now try not to cry, say something like,
"It's not you, it's me."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the gist,
you're breaking up with me,
this isn't working out, blah, blah, blah.
I already matched up with someone new on Tinder
so I gotta get going.
You know what, I'm glad that you're breaking up with me,
because all the best songs were written about breakups.
This could be the spark that ignites my musical career.
Watch out, Coldplay.
You know what, I am so over her.
She wasn't even a nice person.
When I held the door open for her, she never said thank you,
Like hello?
And when I took her to meet my parents,
she didn't complement them on their lovely home.
We live in a society.
She wanted to stay friends, which annoyed me,
because it's like okay, you're gonna dump me,
but I still have to talk to you?
Uh, I already have like two friends,
and that's draining enough so...
I think I'm good.
I don't even know why she broke up with me, man.
I mean she told me she wanted me to "open up,"
and "be honest about my feelings."
So I told her, quite honestly,
that I (bleeping) hated it,
when she asked me those stupid (bleeping) questions
about that (bleep).
I understand and respect
all of your reasons for breaking up.
However, I wish you had been a bit more mindful
about the timing of all this.
Because my Aunt Hilda is not gonna let it go
if I show up at Thanksgiving dinner alone.
Dude, nah, I'm not hung up on the breakup.
I've got so much going on in my life.
Like...
(deafening silence)
I just need to know what was the final straw?
(sad music)
Was it when I kicked out your front window
when I was breakdancing too hard?
Or was it when I flirted with your mom accidentally?
Or was it the time where I tried
to dye your dog camouflage colors?
Or was it the time where--
I'd thank you not to mention that person
in my presence ever again, (playful music)
for I have cut her completely out of my life.
Deleted her number, unfriended her on everything,
even changed my Netflix password, so it is over.
Her, I don't even know her.
Who are we even talking about?
If she thinks she can do better than me,
well, then, best of luck to her.
Because I have seen the other men out there,
and let me tell you, I am not impressed.
I mean I wouldn't date them.
It's great now that I'm single.
I get all this time to myself, with no human interaction.
And then at night, I get my eight, nine, fourteen hours of sleep.
Of course there are the times
where I occasionally get intrusive thoughts
that love is just a lie, and then other times
where I burst into tears for no apparent reason.
But overall...
It's... great.
(slurring) Hey, girl, I was just calling to say
hope you and Timmy are having a great time
in your new relationship, because for me, personally,
I am thriving, I love being single.
And I don't miss you at all, one little bit.
This is me by the way.
What do you have going on in your life?
(awesome Seinfeld impersonation) Tell me! Jerry, tell me!
Those stupid frickin' questions about that shiz.
Players gotta play, right?
That was... weird.