YOU KNOW, THERE ARE LOT OF NICE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT HOSTING THE
SHOW BUT ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME SO HAPPY ABOUT HOSTING
THE SHOW RIGHT NOW, IS THAT WE ARE JUST BEGINNING THE MOST
EXCITING POSSIBLE STORY, THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.
ALL AMERICANS ARE AFFECTED BY THE OUTCOME, ALL OF US GET TO
HAVE OUR SAY, AND NEARLY ALL OF US ARE RUNNING.
( APPLAUSE ) AND THE FRONTRUNNER, DONALD
TRUMP, IS MY GUEST TONIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) I CERTAINLY-- I CERTAINLY HOPE
WE ARE SHOOTING THIS SHOW IN IMAX SO WE CAN CAPTURE HIS
ENTIRE HEAD ON CAMERA.
IT'S IN SENSE-A-ROUND.
TRUMP IS STILL LEADING, EVEN AFTER GETTING ROUGHED UP AT LAST
WEEK'S CNN CA DEBATE.
DID YOU WATCH IT?
IT WAS SUPER FUN TO WATCH.
I CAME UP WITH A DRINKING GAME.
I TURNED ON THE DEBATE, AND I DRANK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMM.
OH, DADDY'S WATER BURNS.
( LAUGHTER ) T REALLY MADE ME FEEL PART OF
THE PROCESS.
AND THIS VICIOUS BATTLE FOR SURVIVAL IN A CUTTHROAT ARENA
REMINDS ME OF "THE HUNGER GAMES" IN THAT HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS ARE GOING TO BE SPENT, AND FOUR YEARS FROM NOW, THERE'S
GOING TO BE ANOTHER ONE.
BUT REALLY, I BELIEVE IT'S MORE THAN "THE HUNGER GAMES.
IT'S THE "HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES."
WELCOME!
WELCOME TO THE "HUNGRY FOR POWER" GAMES!
ASSEMBLE THE TRIBUTES!
YES!
OH, YES, YES!
AH, WHAT A LOVELY CROP OF NEW FLESH, VYING TO REPRESENT THEIR
DISTRICTS IN CAPITAL CITY!
OH, YES!
OH, YES, YOU CAN SMELL THE PANDERING.
WHAT DO I WANT?
HA, HA, LET'S HAVE THE ONE I CAN'T IDENTIFY FIGHT THE ONE
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF!
YES!
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, I DON'T KNOW-- HA-HA!
DELICIOUS!
I DON'T KNOW WHO EITHER OF YOU GENTLEMEN ARE, BUT I'M SURE
SOMEONE WILL MISS YOU!
MAY THE MARGIN OF ERROR BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
( LAUGHTER ) CITIZENS, LAST WEEK, THE GAMES
LOST A BRAVE FIGHTER IN RICK PERRY.
I'D LIKE TO SAY HE'S GONE TO A BETTER PLACE, BUT I BELIEVE HE
LIVES IN HOUSTON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR THEREABOUTS.
I DON'T KNOW.
AND ALAS, TONIGHT, THE GAMES MUST BID ADIEU TO YET ANOTHER
PROMISING TRIBUTE.
>> WISCONSIN GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER IS PULLING THE PLUG ON A
CAMPAIGN THAT HAS BEEN CIRCLING THE DRAIN FOR SOME TIME.
>> I WAS SITTING IN CHURCH YESTERDAY.
THE PASTOR'S WORDS REMINDED ME THAT THE BIBLE IS FULL OF
STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE WHO WERE CALLED TO BE LEADERS IN UNUSUAL
WAYS.
TODAY, I BELIEVE THAT I AM BEING CALLED TO LEAD BY HELPING TO
CLEAR THE FIELD.
>> Stephen: YES, GOD IS CALLING ON HIM TO LEAD BY GETTING OUT OF
THE WAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES!
HA-HA!
AAH!
AHH!
MMMM!
YEAH!
AND THIS ONLY TWO MONTHS AFTER WALKER ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY
BY SAYING, "RUNNING WAS GOD'S CALLING.
I AM CERTAIN THIS IS GOD'S PLAN FOR ME."
IN OTHER WORDS, GOD SAID, "I HAVE CHOSEN YOU, SCOTT WALKER
TO-- PSYCHE!
I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT WHEN GOD SWROAKS.
FIRST, THE PLATYPUS, NOW THIS.
HE'S FUN.
WALKER IS QUITTING THE BATTLEFIELD TO HELP THE
OTHER TRUE CONSERVATIVES, WHO WILL NOW BE ABLE TO DIVIDE ALL
OF HIS LESS THAN ONE-HALF OF 1% IN THE POLLS.
WHAT A BOUNTY.
YES!
AND ONE SHOULD ALSO NOTE THAT WALKER WAS THE SECOND-
CHOICE CANDIDATE OF 2%.
IT WILL NO DOUBT COME AS A DISAPPOINTMENT TO THOSE VOTERS
WHEN HE DROPS OUT THE SECOND TIME.
HA!
FABULOUS!
AND THOUGH, AND THOUGH HE MAY BE QUITTING.
HE LEAVES IN THE MOST NOBLE WAY POSSIBLE.
>> I ENCOURAGE OTHER REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES TO CONSIDER THE SAME.
>> Stephen: BY ASKING THEM TO QUIT, TOO!
OH, YES!
IN THE WORDS OF ONE HEROIC LEMMING, "COME ON, THE CLIFF'S
THIS WAY!
LET'S GO!" AND SO, FAIR YOUNG SCOTT WALKER
IS NO MORE, A STUNNING DEFEAT FOR THE SITTING GOVERNOR OF A
SWING STATE WHO LED THE G.O.P.
FIELD AS RECENTLY AS JULY.
ALAS, LIKE SO MANY WISCONSIN EXPORTS, HE SOURED IN THE SUMMER
HEAT.
HE BEGAN WITH SUCH PROMISE, ABLE TO DISCUSS ANY SUBJECT IN A
POSITIVE LIGHT, SUCH AS WHEN HE SAID HIS BALD SPOT WAS NOT FROM
NATURAL AGING BUT THE RESULT OF HAVING BUMPED HIS HEAD WHILE
FIXING A SINK.
IT'S TRUE!
NO, NO, IT'S TRUE.
IT STOPS GROWING ANY TIME A PART OF THE BODY IS BUMPED.
THAT'S WHY NO ONE HAS PUBIC HAIR ANYMORE.
HA-HA!
MINE'S BLUE!
MINE'S BRIGHT BLUE!
( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, TRUE LOVERS OF THE
GAMES FORSAW HIS DOWNFALL WHEN ONE OF HIS SPONSORS, BILLIONAIRE
STANLEY HUBBARD, TOLD REPORTERS, "I THINK I MIGHT HELP SOME OTHER
CANDIDATES, TOO."
OOH.
OW.
SCOTT!
OH, SCOTT, YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT SPICE THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT.
AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP!
WE'RE NOT BREAKING UP.
I JUST WANT TO FUND OTHER PEOPLE!
A THREE-WAY!
HE FOUGHT BRAVELY, BUT NOW HE RETURNS TO AMERICA'S DAIRY LAND,
HAVING LEARNED THAT VOTERS ARE WALKER INTOLERANT.
( LAUGHTER ) SO LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE
FALLEN.
FAREWELL, SCOTT WALKER.
( CANNON FIRE ) ( HUNGER GAMES "THE
FALLEN" THEME PLAYS ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE MAY HAVE LOST SCOTT WALKER, BUT 21 TRIBUTES
STILL REMAIN.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE LEADER OF DISTRICT MONEY, DONALD
TRUMP.