- Oh! (laughter)
- No, no! Stop laughing!
- Stop laughing. - We've all been there ladies.
We've all been there, we've all been there!
- [Jim] Right.
- It's impossible.
- [David] You don't know when it's gonna go.
- Maybe not with champagne, but we've all been there.
(applause)
- Researchers discovered that Google
and Facebook might be tracking your porn searches.
Great news! (laughter)
Whitney, do you do porn searches, or none at all?
- Glad you asked. (laughter)
- [David] There we go!
- I love that guys think that they're gonna
find out what kind of porn we watch.
We already know what kind of porn
you watch 'cause we have to (beep) you.
(laughter)
And we know right away what you're watching
based on the weird shit you do
when we have to have sex with you.
(laughter)
- Tell me more.
- Oh they're choking us, now okay
I know exactly what that search was.
- I have the most embarrassing porn searches.
Respect, equal pay, female directors.
- And then one my specials will come up.
(laughter)
- Jennifer Aniston has just joined Instagram.
She's already crushing it.
We are actually keeping track of her numbers
because it's very important to our audience.
There she is on the clicker. - [Panelist] Oh wow.
- She's just over ten million.
- [Panelist] Wow!
- This is like Jerry Lewis telethon.
- She has ten million followers with one photo.
I post ten million times a day
and I lose five hundred followers every time I post.
- By the way, I just saw that thing
where it says who dropped you as followers.
Oof, I'd never seen that before.
- [Panelist] Don't look at that.
- Oh do not look at that.
- I muted you, that's different.
- Oh mute you, well I get a lot of mutes, a lot of drops.
I feel like our little Jen is really growing up.
- I think we need to make a very clear announcement,
America's Sweetheart is on Instagram,
you do not send dick pics to America's Sweetheart.
- [David] That's right.
(applause)
- No, the answer's no!
You send them to this guy.
My Instagram is like Waffle House,
it is open twenty four hours for strange dick.
- I think she follows you, right?
- She does follow me, yeah.
- Oh boo, really? - She doesn't follow me yet.
- She doesn't follow you yet?
- No, so if you-- - All right, oh good!
- She follows you. - Yeah she follows me.
I'm worried, because when you start following people,
you start getting targeted ads based on what they are.
Like, my algorithm's gonna change
now that I follow Jennifer Aniston.
I gonna start getting marketed things to look like her.
I'm gonna be getting marketed
self tanner and I'm gonna buy it
and I don't know how to use it,
and I'm gonna be like the next Justin Trudeau of Instagram.
- Whitney, Whitney!
(laughter)
Political, political. (rock music)
ASAP Rocky has admitted to being a sex addict
and he claims that he had his first
orgy when he was thirteen.
(laughter)
He says threesomes are a regular part his life,
not a shocker, and he sometimes records them.
Cool. (laughter)
This guy is starting to sound like DJ Jazzy Jeff Epstein.
He tells us he's a sex addict,
like I'm not your girlfriend, I don't care.
That's what you usually say to a girlfriend,
like, when you're caught,
and the guy's like, "oh you know what,
I forgot to tell you I'm actually a sex addict".
- No, I don't... nothing, no!
No to all of it, the orgies, the answer's no.
It's like guys cannot multitask to save their lives.
You can't text me back while watching a football game,
but then when there's five naked women
(applause)
All of a sudden when there's five naked women
you can go down on one woman, finger two women,
have sex with another one, and record it?
Get the (beep) out of here.
- [David] Get outta here!
(applause)
- The answer's no! It's a no!
(rock music)
- Kourtney Kardashian claims a woman
who was watching her kids stole seven hundred dollars
from her and forty five hundred from Scott.
So she stole forty, fifty two hundred from Kourtney.
(laughter)
All right, so listen, oh her brazier is showing!
- Uh oh!
- Hey oh! Someone's going to get yelled at.
(laughter)
- Have you been ripped off or not?
- No, I haven't really been ripped off much,
but I did watch the video where she found
out that she'd been stolen from.
And the first thing she said...
Did you see on the show?
She went, "change the iTunes password!"
(laughter)
- What?
- I love it when people are so rich
that they don't even know how technology works.
- [David] Right.
- Like her point of reference is like
the last time she didn't have an assistant
which was, like ten years ago.
She's like, "lock the DVD case!"
"Cancel the Blockbuster membership!"
(laughter)
"Oh my god, cancel the MySpace account!"
(rock music)
- All right guys, in wiener news,
(laughter)
a veteran who lost his wiener in an explosion
just received the world's first wiener transplant.
And we've got a clip of how the surgery works.
Please cover your eyes.
(upbeat music)
(audience gasps)
(laughter)
- It looks like he's, like fixing the back of a TV.
- I thought it was a Pixar movie.
How do we feel about the guy's new rod, Whitney?
- I'm already scared enough to give hand-jobs.
- You're already what?
Oh you're scared in that you don't like to, yeah.
- I've got some feedback that I'm a little rough.
- I'd be very worried to give this guy a hand job.
Also, apparently he had to wait for nine years
and wait for a penis to become available.
You know, I just love the idea of him
checking and being like, "hey guys,
anyone come in with a size fourteen shoe
that fell off a rollercoaster this week?"
(laughter)
- Whitney, I just want to confirm based on that black bar,
that's ridiculously huge, right?
(laughter)
- I mean that's like Guinness book stuff, right?
(laughter)
- Wow! - Don't look at me.
- I didn't look at you! You know, I don't
- Whitney knows.
- How many dicks do you think I see on a daily basis?
(rock music)
- We're here to talk about Keanu Reeves.
Keanu Reeves continues to do everything right.
He went to LACMA with his new girlfriend last night,
artist Alexander Grant.
And he rarely goes out in public with someone he's dating.
They look very nice together, this is them.
And to be honest, I thought he ran into
his third grade teacher or something.
(laughter)
But no, not in a... because she looks smart.
- That's fair. That's fair.
- That's mean.
No, Whitney's mad at you already.
- No, I know, I know.
Dude, hot girl summer is officially over.
- Okay, okay.
- No, hold on, it's Cougar Fall, it's Cougar Fall
- She's still younger than him!
This is so crazy because this is--
- [Female Guest] By like ten years, right?
- [David] Yeah she's ten years younger.
- The fact that this is a news story is wild.
It might as well just be:
"a guy in Hollywood is not a pedophile".
(laughter) That should just be the story.
One guy! One guy!
(applause)
- You don't get points for that!
But also, everyone thought it was Helen Mirren.
No! No! - We all did!
In Hollywood, if you're over thirty you're Helen Mirren.
It is so screwed up, there's no in between.
You might as well be.
- I'm glad he's with her, it just proves
that all people aren't superficial into looks as she is!
(laughter)
- But I do think people need to take note.
Dating women that are forty five,
that will solve all of your problems.
I'm telling you forty five year old women,
they've got it together, okay.
(applause)
They've got car insurance, they've got
a fridge full of Activia yogurt.
- Activia!
- You don't have to worry about them getting pregnant.
They're not going to hack through your phone
'cause they don't know how to use it!
(rock music)
- Matt McConaughey has joined Instagram
for his fiftieth birthday.
His first follow was Woody Harrelson, and then his wife.
(laughter) She loved that!
This is the first story he posted.
♪ Duh nuh nuh nuh ba buh ba buh bow ♪
♪ No no no bow bow bow ♪
♪ Bo doh doh bam ba bam ba bam ♪
♪ Bo doh doh bam bam bam ♪
All right Instagram, let's do this.
(laughter)
- Yeah, and we probably cut about a minute out of that.
- There's some dialogue.
- Yeah, rule one, keep it tight.
- I thought it was another Lincoln commercial.
- Oh yeah, was that a Lincoln commercial?
Maybe this is all a big trick to be a Lincoln commercial.
- I do think though, when celebrities get on Instagram,
I don't think they understand the level
of negative comments they're gonna get.
Like, I think someone needs to tell them
there is an auto-block feature that you
can auto-block comments with certain key words
that people make fun of you about.
So like I did auto block, like my key words
were like whore... (laughter)
Busted. - Busted!
- Busted whore.
Then you (beep) Joe Rogan to get on his podcast.
Like I had to do that.
- Busted whore? - Yes!
- What's wrong with you?
- So he should do that. - That's smart.
I just think all celebrities should know that.
- Do those actually work though? Because I've--
- No people still get through, they spell them differently.
- I get whore all the time still.
- You get whore?
- In the comments, on Facebook.
- On Facebook?
- Instagram is different.
- [Whitney] Damn! - Facebook, yeah, they go in.
- [Male Guest] They're meaner on Facebook.
- Yeah they are, right!
- Damn! The aunts are coming for ya!
- Listen, I'm going to follow him right now.
Liz, pull up my account. - [Liz] No.
- Do it Liz, let me handle this.
- Liz!
- Do it! This is the director.
- [Whitney] What is happening? What is this?
- I'm writing him a for real comment.
- Is this Dms? - That's a DM I think.
- Is this Venmo? What's happening?
- Whatever.
Just roll with the bit.
All right, welcome to IG official,
however you say it McConaughey.
It took me fourteen tries, when I tried to look it up.
- There's no (mumbles).
- It's customary to follow anyone
you met briefly at an awards show.
(laughter)
Even if it was a stuntman awards.
- Even if it was the Razzies?
(laughter)
- [David] Rude. - Rude!
- Cool page, great pic, you're giving me
a Dallas buyers chub, LOL times five, write that.
Check out link in my bio for a sweet discount on sunglasses.
(laughter)
All right, send it!
(swoosh) There ya go, all right.
- Don't send that! Cool page?
- Who added cool page? - Cool page?
- He's gonna block you (beep).
(rock music)
- Speech pathologist, this sounds fake.
I like this story though.
He used a customized sound board to
teach your dog to talk, kind of.
Look at this.
Aww! Isn't that cool?
I love it. - That's so awesome.
- But do we want to know what our dogs are thinking?
- No thanks!
(laughter)
I feel like the whole point of having
a dog is they can't talk to you.
That's the draw of having a dog.
If my dogs could talk, they'd just
be like why are you always crying.
(laughter)
- What's wrong?
- Feed us.
- I have a two year old and he won't
shut the (beep) up, it's exhausting.
(laughter)
(rock music)
- Well, I watched some of The Bachelor
last night and it was a doozy.
It's always a doozy.
One of the contestants, Kelsey,
Jim I know you probably don't watch it,
but listen to this, right.
- I am so interested.
(laughter)
Kelsey had her champagne stolen by another contestant.
- What? - I know.
I shouldn't just hit you with this out of the blue.
She saved it for a year and then she was bitching
about the fact that the other girl stole her date
with the bachelor and then she heard (pop).
And it was her champagne they were popping and opening!
Chaos! - That's wrong.
- Thank you, he gets it!
- It's also like, what did you think was gonna happen?
You left a bottle of champagne on The Bachelor set.
- [David] With thirty girls.
- It's like leaving a nose ring at Coachella,
someone's gonna take it.
- [Jim] Someone's gonna grab it.
- Someone's gonna use it.
- Gonna be in someone's face. - It's funny!
Here's what happened when she finally opened it
and everything worked out nicely.
- I'm not a classy bitch all the time, so.
- There we go, all right show me what you got.
- All right, I got it.
- Oh! (laughter)
- No, no! Stop laughing!
- Stop laughing. - We've all been there ladies.
We've all been there, we've all been there.
- [Jim] Right.
- It's impossible!
- [David] You don't know when it's gonna go.
- Maybe not with champagne, but we've all been there,
and it is never not a shock.
- A little heads up, I know.
- It never gets easier to handle.
And you're like, oh that's not where
I thought this was going.
- I mean, I assume after this he married her, right?
- [David] I don't know.
- He's like, this is the one!
- [Whitney] Devastating!
- Well have you ever had anything backfire like that?
You set up on a date and something crazy happened
that wasn't supposed to?
- Yeah it was with the dick and semen, like that.
(laughter)
(rock music)
- Last week rapper Cardi B said that
she's thinking about being a politician.
And we don't really do politics on this show,
but this has given us a loophole because I have a video
from when I made the announcement
about this dumb show where I predicted this.
But the big headline is there will be no politics,
unless Cardi B runs for something
then we'll sort of overlap a little bit.
(applause)
- Whoa!
- He knew! Spade knew!
- [Whitney] That's weird!
- Because then it's pop-a-tics, it's like a combo.
All ex-strippers would make great politicians.
They tell people what they want to hear
and then ask them for money.
So, I don't think this is a horrible idea,
but what about you Whitney?
- I don't see how things can get weirder.
Why not? Like we had a action star Governor.
We've had a reality star president.
And then it was just normal to say the other day
that a new age lady that believes in crystals,
dropped out of the Democratic Race
along with Rosario Dawson's boyfriend.
(laughter)
- That's true so it's--
- How can it get any (beep) weirder?
(rock music)
- Fresh off leaving the Royal family,
Meg Markle-- - [Whitney] Meg?
- Just signed a deal to do a voiceover for Disney.
(laughter)
She traded out the easiest job on Earth
for the second easiest job on Earth.
- I defend Meghan Markle. - [David] Yes.
- I defend her, I feel bad, this woman.
She has to wear panty-hose everyday, skirts and a hat,
and she has to be nice to people all day long.
She's like a stewardess on a plane that will never land.
(laughter) That's her life.
- It's true. - A nightmare.
But here's what I'll say, I am so excited for her
to go to Toronto and take her panty-hose off
and fart for like two days.
(laughter) (rock music)
- Instagram has started flagging
pictures that are Photoshopped. Whoa!
See like even that, not just pictures of women,
but if you do that to a picture
it's gonna say it won't show it
to you unless you're prepared to look at it.
(laughter)
You know what I'm saying?
So it's mostly for people that are
doing Photoshop of their--
- I don't care!
Like I don't go to Instagram for reality,
(applause)
I don't go there for that.
I go to Instagram to see if anyone
accidentally saw my nipple.
(laughter)
- We did. - It turned in different--
pictures of yourself, to like,
as Instagram progressed it got a little different
where it's just so much fomo and pressure to do.
And I see why girls Photoshop, the competition.
It used to be in high school you're like,
"oh I'm one of the two pretty girls at my school".
Now your competition is the whole world.
(laughter)
And so you're like, "oh my god,
I have to look perfect, perfect".
And I don't see you do much tinkering.
You're very pretty in real life
and you look exactly the same on Instagram.
Give you a compliment. (applause)
- That is--
Wait, waiting for the insult, waiting for the insult.
- [David] Nope, that's it.
- I just don't, I don't know.
I don't think that we need stop models
from Photoshopping themselves.
I think we need to stop models
from posting inspirational quotes.
(laughter)
Let's get to the bottom of the real problem.
- Those quotes I post are a joy.
(music)