WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK.
WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK. WE'RE TANNED.
WE'RE RESTED, WE'RE READY. A LOT OF STUFF HAPPENED.
IF YOU'RE A BRIT-O-PHILE, THERE'S HUGE NEWS IN MERRY OLD
U.K. BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING A NEW PRIME MINISTER!
I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND HOW THEY HAVE A NEW ONE, BECAUSE
THEY VOTE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD.
BUT HOWEVER THEY DO IT, IT'S OFFICIAL:
THE U.K.'S NEXT PRIME MINISTER WILL BE FORMER CHANCELLOR RISHI
SUNAK, WHO WILL BE BRITAIN'S FIRST LEADER OF SOUTH ASIAN
DESCENT, ITS FIRST HINDU PRIME MINISTER, AND THE NATION'S FIRST
LEADER OF COLOR. WHICH MEANS BRITONS WILL BE ABLE
TO RUN THEIR ENTIRE POWER GRID OFF THE TURBINES CONNECTED TO
QUEEN VICTORIA SPINNING IN HER GRAVE.
( LAUGHTER )
A DIFFERENT VIEW. DIFFERENT VIEW ON SUCH MATTERS,
WAS WHAT I'M SAYING. SUNAK GOT THE JOB AFTER THE
FORMER PRIME MINISTER LIZ TRUSS RESIGNED ON THURSDAY.
WOW. #
ROUGH YEAR TO BE A LIZ IN THE U.K.
( LAUGHTER )
OF BEING THE U.K.'S SHORTEST-SERVING PRIME MINISTER
EVER AFTER HOLDING THE TITLE FOR JUST 45 DAYS.
THAT'S NOT A TERM IN OFFICE. THAT'S A JUICE CLEANSE.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. CONGRATULATIONS TO INCOMING
PRIME MINISTER SUNAK. AND, LIZ, TO COMMEMORATE YOUR
HISTORICALLY SHORT TERM IN OFFICE, WE'VE COMPILED ALL OUR
FAVORITE MOMENTS FROM YOUR TERM.
( APPLAUSE )
PLEASE DO IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN, BECAUSE AS THE MIDTERMS
APPROACH, A RECENT "NEW YORK TIMES"/SIENA COLLEGE/WENDY'S
BACONATOR POLL SHOWS 71% OF ALL VOTERS BELIEVE THAT DEMOCRACY IS
AT RISK. AND THE OTHER 29% SAY,
"THIS POLL IS RIGGED! HANG MIKE PENCE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO 71% BELIEVES DEMOCRACY IS IN PERIL, AND YET, ONLY 7%
IDENTIFIED THAT AS THE MOST IMPORTANT PROBLEM FACING THE
COUNTRY. KIND OF HARD TO FIX ANYTHING
ELSE WITHOUT A FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY:
"HELLO, 9-1-1? I JUST CRASHED MY PONTIAC INTO
A TREE, AND NOW IT'S ON FIRE. CAN YOU SEND SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY
TO FIX MY SIX-CD CHANGER? YES, I STILL HAVE A 6-CD
CHANGER. DIRE STRAITS.
BROTHERS IN ARMS."
GREAT SONG. THESE POLL RESULTS HAVE RAISED
CONCERNS THAT DEMOCRATIC EROSION MAY HAVE SENT MANY CITIZENS ON A
DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF FEELING POWERLESS, APATHETIC, AND
DISCONNECTED. YEAH, BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?
IT DOESN'T MATTER. I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER )
WERE THE ORIGINAL NAMES FOR SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP.
( LAUGHTER )
DELICIOUS CEREAL. PART OF THIS COMPLETE BREAKFAST.
IF YOU WANT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT DEMOCRACY, DON'T THINK ABOUT THE
FACT THAT THE NEWEST SENATOR FROM GEORGIA COULD SOON BE
G.O.P. NOMINEE ANY... ( BOOING )
AND STEROIDS URKEL, HERSCHEL WALKER.
WALKER HAS GOTTEN IN TROUBLE MULTIPLE TIMES FOR LYING ABOUT
BEING A POLICE OFFICER. SO IN A RECENT DEBATE, HIS
OPPONENT, RAPHAEL WARNOCK, CALLED HIM OUT ON IT.
>> ONE THING I HAVE NOT DONE-- I HAVE NEVER PRETENDED TO BE
A POLICE OFFICER.
SHOOTOUT WITH THE POLICE. >> WELL, I HAVE TO RESPOND TO
THAT. >> WE ARE MOVING ON, GENTLEMEN.
>> NO, NO, I HAVE TO RESPOND TO THAT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FUNNY? I AM WORKING WITH MANY POLICE
OFFICERS. >> Stephen: NOW, CRITICS SAY HE
CAN'T JUST PULL OUT A PROP BADGE TO PROVE HE'S A COP, TO WHICH I
SAY: TELL THAT TO THE SHERIFF OF PARTY CITY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S-- THAT'S REAL! WHERE I AM ALSO FIRE CHIEF, HEAD
NURSE, AND ROYALTY-FREE WIZARD CHILD.
"EXPECTUM NO LAWSUIT!"
BADGE, CLAIMING IT WAS GIVEN TO HIM BY THE COBB COUNTY SHERIFF,
WHICH MAKES HIM AN HONORARY DEPUTY.
OKAY! BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A REAL
COP! THAT'S WHY FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
NEVER SAY, "ATTENTION, PASSENGERS, WE HAVE A MEDICAL
EMERGENCY IN THE CABIN. DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE AN
HONORARY DOCTORATE? FINE ART OR BETTER ONLY.
NO DANCE. THE.
BUT WALKER'S GRABBED THAT CRAZY BALL AND is RUNNINg WITH IT.
HIS CAMPAIGN ORDERED 1,000 IMITATION PLASTIC LAW
ENFORCEMENT BADGES THAT SAY "I'M WITH HERSCHEL" AS A FUNDRAISING
TOOL. A THOUSAND TOY BADGES.
THAT'S PERFECT. THAT'S ONE FOR EACH OF HIS
SECRET CHILDREN.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TIME IN
OFFICE FROM INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST AND GRANDPA AT THE
ZOO WHO JUST SAW A PENGUIN, BOB WOODWARD.
WOODWARD HAS RELEASED SEVERAL BOOKS ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT
BASED ON PHONE INTERVIEWS. AND NOW HE'S RELEASING AN
AUDIOBOOK CONTAINING RECORDINGS OF THE FULL EIGHT HOURS OF
INTERVIEWS. WOOD W5RD DESCRIBED THE FORMER
PRESIDENT AS "THE WRONG MAN FOR THE JOB."
NOW, AFTER RELISTENING TO THE AUDIO, HE SAYS, "I REALIZE I
DIDN'T GO FAR ENOUGH. THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS AN
UNPARALLELED DANGER." REALLY, BOB?
NOW YOU'RE REALIZING THIS? I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR NEXT
OP-ED: "SOMETHING SEEMS OFF ABOUT THIS HARVEY WEINSTEIN
GUY."
OOP-ED. OP-ED.
OP-ED. HOW'S IT GOING?
"THE WASHINGTON POST" PUBLISHED A FEW OF THE CLIPS.
AND, YEAH, THEY'RE BAD. HERE'S HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT
SPOKE ABOUT COVID AT THE HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC.
>> WAS THERE A MOMENT IN ALL OF THIS, LAST TWO MONTHS, WHERE
YOU SAID TO YOURSELF, "AH, THIS IS THE LEADERSHIP TEST OF A
LIFETIME"? >> NO.
I DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALSO WHAT HE SAYS ON ERIC'S BIRTHDAY.
THE RECORDINGS--
THE RECORDINGS ALSO CAPTURE HOW SPECIAL IT WAS FOR HIM TO MEET
KIM JONG-UN. >> THE C.I.A. SAYS ABOUT.
KIM JONG-UN THAT HE'S "CUNNING, CRAFTY, BUT ULTIMATELY STUPID."
>> I DISAGREE. HE'S CUNNING.
HE'S CRAFTY. AND HE'S VERY SMART.
YOU KNOW, I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS.
I'M THE ONLY ONE HE DEALS WITH. HE WON'T DEAL WITH ANYBODY
ELSE. ELSE. THE WORD CHEMISTRY.
YOU MEET SOMEBODY AND YOU HAVE A GOOD CHEMISTRY.
YOU MEET A WOMAN. IN ONE SECOND, YOU KNOW WHETHER
OR NOT IT'S ALL GOING TO HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER )
WHARF MAKES YOU HAPPY. LOVE IS LOVE, BUT IT REALLY
GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO "LITTLE ROCKET MAN."
A PENIS MEANING. TURNING TO THE WORLD OF SPORT,
IT'S OFFICIAL: THE HOUSTON ASTROS AND PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
WILL FACE EACH OTHER IN THE WORLD SERIES.
FOR NEW YORKERS, IT'S HARD TO PICK A TEAM TO BACK, CONSIDERING
THE ASTROS ARE CHEATERS, AND THE PHILLIES...
ARE FROM PHILLY.
THE VICTORY, PHILADELPHIA-- A TOWN THAT
HISTORICALLY ENJOYS CHAOTIC STREET-BASED, SPORTS-RELATED
REVELRY SO MUCH, THAT THIS WEEKEND, OFFICIALS GREASED LIGHT
POLES IN THE CITY. AND YET, AFTER THE PHILLIES
VICTORY, THE FANS WERE UNDETERRED.
YEAH, BABY! GET UP THERE!
THAT'S WHERE ALL THE FUN IS! WHAT CAN I SAY, "DRUNK FINDS A
WAY."
( LAUGHTER )
SWEEPING THE YANKEES, BUT NEW YORKERS TOOK THEIR FRUSTRATIONS
OUT ON ONE ASTROS FAN IN PARTICULAR: SENATOR TED CRUZ,
WHO WAS IN THE CITY FOR THE GAME.
MAN, NEW YORK DOES HAVE A RAT PROBLEM.
( LAUGHTER )
ONE YANKEES FAN CAPTURED THIS VIDEO OF THE SENATOR LEAVING THE
GAME. >> (BLEEP) YOU, YOU RACIST
PIECE OF (BLEEP). (BLEEP) YOU.
(BLEEP) YOU, MAN. YOU (BLEEP) SUCK, DUDE.
YOU'RE A DI. YOU GO TO (BLEEP) HELL, DUDE.
REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP CALLED YOUR WIFE UGLY?
REMEMBER THAT? REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP CALLED YOUR
WIFE UGLY AND THEN YOU NOMINATED HIM?
(BLEEP) YOU, YOU (BLEEP) PIECE OF (BLEEP).
REMEMBER WHEN THOSE INSURRECTIONISTS WANTED TO
MURDER YOU? >> YOU FAT (BLEEP)!
YOU UGLY PIECE OF (BLEEP)! GO TO HELL.
GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF NEW YORK. TRUMP CALLED YOUR WIFE UGLY, AND
YOU LOVED IT. YOU UGLY (BLEEP).
GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF HERE. EAT MY (BLEEP) YOU (BLEEP).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MARTHA STEWART. IN FAIRNESS TO TED, THAT'S HOW
YANKEES FANS REACT TO EVERYONE.
SECTION 322 WHERE LITTLE BILLY JONES IS CELEBRATING HIS
FOURTH BIRTHDAY." >> "(BLEEP) YOU, BILLY!
(BLEEP) YOU, YOU SHORT PIECE OF CRAP!
CAN'T EVEN RIDE A BIKE! YOU SUCK!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND
THE BAREFOOT CONTESSA, INA GARTEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BCK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )