AS WE ALL IN THIS ROOM KNOW, IT ISED FROM HERE AT THE "LATE
SHOW"."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT MEANS "FRIDAY NIGHT
FIGHTS," WHERE WE PIT ANY TWO THINGS AGAINST EACH OTHER.
FOR INSTANCE, YOUR WIFE'S CRUSH ON RYAN GOSLING VS. YOUR
MAN-CRUSH ON RYAN GOSLING.
THEN WE LET YOU CHOOSE THE WINNER BY POSTING THE MATCH-UPS
ON TWITTER, ALSO KNOWN AS DONALD TRUMP'S PRESS SECRETARY.
THIS IS...
>> Audience: FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A FRIDAY
CROWD!
THAT'S AD FROM CROWD RIGHT THERE IF I EVER HEARD ONE.
FIRST, LET'S LOOK AT THE RESULTS FROM LAST WEEK'S FIGHT AGAINST
"THE ODD COUPLE'S" THOMAS LENNON, WHICH PITTED
GANDALF AND OPTIMUS PRIME VERSUS DUMBLEDORE AND VOLTRON.
I WENT WITH DUMBLEDORE AND VOLTRON, AND THE WINNER WAS
GANDALF AND OPTIMUS PRIME WITH 68% OF THE VOTE.
( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT.
I MAY HAVE LOST LAST WEEK.
I MAY HAVE LOST, BUT DO NOT GET COCKY, LENNON.
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
THURSDAYS AT 8:30, 7:30 CENTRAL.
ONLY... CBS!
NOW, LET'S MEET THIS WEEK'S OPPONENT.
SHE'S AN ACTRESS, COMEDIAN, AND SENIOR POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT
ON "THE DAILY SHOW."
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR JESSICA WILLIAMS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
JESSICA.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
I APPRECIATE IT.
>> Stephen: JESSICA,UN I DON'T TAKE THIS MATCH-UP LIGHTLY
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE A FORMIDABLE OPPONENT.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A NEW PODCAST.
>> IT'S CALLED TWO DOPE QUEENS.
>> Stephen: TWO DOPE QUEENS.
OKAY.
>> ME AND ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS, PHOEBE ROBINSON AND WE
HAVE A BUNCH OF STAND-UP COMEDIANS FROM NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU TWO DOPE QUEENS OR TWO DOPE QUEENS.
>> A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH.
COME TO OUR SHOW AND LISTEN TO OUR PODCAST.
>> Stephen: COULD I BE A GUEST.
CAN I BE A DOAB QUEEN?
>> YOU CAN BE DOABISH BUT NOT A DOPE QUEEN.
>> Stephen: WE'LL GET THERE SOME DAY, MY FRIEND.
>> MAYBE, BUT WE PROBABLY WON'T.
>> Stephen: WE'LL SEE.
>> WE WON'T SEE.
THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE.
>> Stephen: IF WE CAN DREAM TWE WILL REALIZE IT.
>> IN THIS CASE IT'S NOT WHAT IT IS.
>> Stephen: DO NOT DICTATE-- DO NOT DICTATE MY IDENTITY.
>> YOU'RE NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT CLOSE.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT CLOSE OKAY.
>> Stephen: LET'S RUMBLE.
ARE YOU READY TO DO THIS?
NOW YOU'VE GOT MY IRISH UP.
LET'S RUMBLE, BECAUSE OUR MATCH-UP
TONIGHT IS A CLASSIC: THE MORTON SALT GIRL VERSUS CAP'N CRUNCH.
LET'S GO TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE, STARTING WITH MORTON SALT
GIRL, COMING IN AT JUST HEAVY ENOUGH NOT TO BE CARRIED OFF BY
HER UMBRELLA IN A STIFF WIND.
STRENGTHS INCLUDE INTENSE BRINY FLAVOR AND THE ABILITY TO
WITHSTAND LIGHT RAIN.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE SHE BOUGHT THAT UMBRELLA FROM A STREET
VENDOR, SO IT'S GOING TO LAST ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
SHE'S GOING GIRLO-A-MANO AGAINST CAP'N CRUNCH, COMING IN AT 30%
OF YOUR RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOWANCE OF VITAMIN B-6.
STRENGTHS INCLUDE PART OF A COMPLETE BREAKFAST AND A HUGE
SET OF CRUNCHBERRIES.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE BREATHING PROBLEMS FROM LACK OF NOSTRILS,
AND YOUR MOM WON'T LET YOU BUY HIM.
SO, JESSICA, I HESITATE TO ASK HERE.
WHO ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR MONEY ON?
>> LET'S SEE.
>> I'M GOING CAP'N CRUNCH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING CAN THE CAPTAIN.
>> DEFINITELY, GOING WITH THE CAPTAIN.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> LET'S GO FIRST THINGS FIRST, HE IS AN ADULT MAN AND SHE IS A
TINY GIRL.
>> Stephen: AND HE'S NOT GOING TO PUNCH HER BECAUSE SHE IS A
GIRL.
HE'S A GENTLEMAN.
HE'S IN THE NAVY.
HE GET TOSSED OUT.
IF HE HITS THE GIRL I THINK CHECKMATE WE'RE OVER.
>> WE ARE NOT OVER.
HE A VETERAN.
HE HAS TO DEAL WITH THE V.A.
THIS LITTLE GIRL IS MINUSCULE.
>> Stephen: HE COMES IN FOR THE ATTACK, BOOM, SALT IN THE
EYES.
HE'S BLIND, SHE SNAPS IT OFF AT HIS TRACHEA, HE'S DEAD.
>> WAIT YOU THINK A LITTLE SALT IN HIS EYES IS GOING TO BE A
PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: IT WILL BE A PROBLEM.
>> HE SPENT HIS LIFE AT SEA.
HE IS USED TO A LITTLE SALT, DUDE!
>> Stephen: JESSICA, JESSICA, NO.
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: MAY I REMIND YOU HIS SEA IS MADE OF MILK, OKAY?
HE'S RIDING ON A MILK SEA.
IS THIS BATTLE HAPPENING ON LAND OR SEA?
>> IT'S HAPPENING ANYMORE EXWRP.
>> Stephen: REALLY, HE CAN'T TAKE HIS BOAT WITH HIM.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT THE CAPTAIN BUT HE TAKES
HIS BOAT WHEREVER HE GOES.
THAT BOAT CAN BUST INTO ROOMS AND TRAVEL ON LAND.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THE MORTON SALT GIRL CLEARLY KNOWS KUNG FU.
>> HOW.
>> Stephen: LISTEN TO HER MOTTO, WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS.
SHE HAS CLEARLY BEEN TRAINED BY ASCENDANT MASTERS.
SHE'S GOING TO PLUCK OUT HIS EYEBALLS.
>> SHE'S NOT GOING TO GET CLOSE BECAUSE HES HAD A CANNON ON HIS
BOAT AND HE WILL SHOOT CAP'N CRUNCH BERRIES AND CUT UP THE
INSIDE OF HER MOUTH.
>> Stephen: SHE CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER BECAUSE FOR THE LAST
100 YEARS IT'S BEEN RAINING ON ONLY HER.
SHE'S LIKE STORM FROM THE X-MEN.
>> HE'S USED TO THAT STORMY WEATHER.
AGAIN, HE HAS SEEN SOME ( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: I'M DISAPPOINTED THEY AM TAKING THE SIDE OF A
GIRL AGAINST SOME OLD, WHITE MAN.
I APOLOGIZE-- I APOLOGIZE TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE THAT I BELIEVE
THAT A GIRL CAN DO ANYTHING SHE PUTS HER MIND TO, AND YOU SEEM
TO THINK-- >> SO BAD.
>> Stephen: YOU PICKED YOUR SIDE.
YOU PICKED YOUR SIDE, DOPE QUEEN!
ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, AMERICA.
HEAD TO TWITTER AND VOTE.
WHO WOULD WIN, THE MORTON SALT GIRL OR CAP'N CRUNCH?
THE POLLS CLOSE WEDNESDAY AT MIDNIGHT.
JESSICA, FORMIDABLE AS ALWAYS.
PLEASE COME AGAIN.
THAT DOES IT FOR: >> Audience: FRIDAY NIGHT
FIGHTS!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GWEN STEFANI.