What to do when you're married to a
narcissist?
My name is Paul Friedman, I founded The
Marriage Foundation
and I'm going to help you with this but
we're going to step back
first, and we're going to be realistic.
Now
there's a few of you who are watching
this
who know for a fact that their husband --
yes, because women rarely are diagnosed
as such.
But if you don't have
an
actual diagnosis that your husband is a
narcissist
which is likely, then I urge you
to stop thinking of him
in those terms. I'm going to show you
what
I Googled here because I wanted to
give you more information about this.
What I'm going to read to
you -- well, I'll read it first.
Narcissistic personality disorder -
one of several types of personality
disorders
is a mental condition in which people
have an inflated
sense of their own importance.
A deep need for excessive attention
and admiration, troubled relationships
and a lack of empathy for others. And
you're going, "Oh yeah, that
fits!" So now let's
really dig into this. Let's unwrap this a
little bit.
Because in reality that's not the
clinical definition
so here's what a narcissist actually is.
A narcissist because it's a serious
problem
for the individual who suffers with it
more so than the people around them.
So a narcissist is someone who has
created an
image that they put in between
themselves and the rest of the world
sort of like a mask but it's more
complicated obviously because it's an
entire personality.
And why would you do that?
What would cause that? It's very
easy to answer that. Fear -
you're afraid of being found out so it's
very
deep seated. The people who have
developed these personalities
start at a very young age
and it doesn't matter what caused them
to do it. It's just one of
a billion ways of hiding from the
reality
of the world. Now I'm talking about it in
these terms because you're married to
your narcissist.
And you're asking, what do I do about it?
And I want to share with you what to do
about it.
Because when you get married
you're telling the person, I'm going to
love you
with all I got,
body mind and soul forever,
in sickness and in health.
And so, when we use the word disorder we
don't think of sickness
but we should. It's kind of a sickness.
How you missed it? I don't know.
It's always been there. It's this
personality
that they have out there and you know
those people usually don't
drink alcohol or use drugs. Because if
they did,
the whole thing would collapse and those
who
do who have that problem literally
become alcoholics and/or junkies
because they can't handle everything
collapses.
And so, if they just drink a little or
use a little medication
like narcotic type stuff, their whole
thing dissolves.
So you've got a sick puppy, you might say
if they are like that.
Well, what do you do? I'm going to tell you
what to do. That's what you were asking
for, what should I do?
Obviously, you don't want to get a
divorce. Bless you for that because in
sickness and in hell.
So there's a
a reality that we
find on Facebook and stuff in different
manners with different stories but it
boils down
to where there is light,
darkness cannot exist.
So in a marriage, believe it or not
the number one missing ingredient
in most marriages is
the active and proactive expression
of love. Ironic, isn't it?
You get married because you love
somebody
but slowly, we call it real life
things set in and we become
comfortable, being critical and
judgmental of them.
It's much easier to be critical and
judgmental of someone other than
yourself,
and blame them for not getting what you
need.
And when you put those in, the love gets
pushed away. So most people
suffer through marriages because the
two reasons that they got married for
get pushed away. The two reasons,
the promises of marriage are
happiness, increased happiness every
single day.
And if your marriage is properly working
narcissistic or not,
the happiness will still be there.
But more important than that is we get
married because we have an
innate need for love,
for unconditional love. Well,
love does not exist with criticism,
condemnation, critiquing,
it just gets pushed out.
So the best thing to do is to revitalize
your marriage.
Don't worry about the symptoms of his
disease
which he probably doesn't have but
this works either way.
Revitalize your marriage. Bring into your
marriage
those two things that you got married
for,
the happiness and the love.
Dnd don't do it Helter Skelter.
Don't just have, "Okay, that's what I'm
going to do from now on."
You have to learn how because everything
we have learned
in the world is for the world.
It's defensive. It's to protect
us because if you're not protected in
the world, you're going to get
smushed but you're supposed to go into
what I call the sacred space of marriage
in order to enjoy holy matrimony.
I say holy cow, this is amazing
and your marriage is not amazing.
But you can still make it so.
You have to let go of the critical
thinking
which you already have if you're already
labeling your husband that way. And look,
there might be a few men
who are watching this video, same thing
holds true for you too
but it's less common. The trend
right now is to accuse men of being
narcissistic
because they think a lot of themselves.
So that's really it,
I hope you take this to heart
maybe you could subscribe to my videos.
Get more of a sense of
marriage is based on realistic
universal principles of love and
happiness. I don't mind if you like this
video. You could leave a comment
and other than that, thank you for taking
the time with me.
Blessings to you! blessings to your
husband and blessings to your family!
Take care!