Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting and good communication
all over the world through the lens of self-government and in this video I'm going
to be talking about eight principles for talking to your teen so that they will actually listen.
It can be difficult to feel like you're actually getting through to your teen especially if they've
put up some of those walls that seem to be so common among teenagers nowadays. But don't
despair, I've got help for you. In this video I'm going to be talking about eight key principles
that you can focus on that will help you in all the communication areas of your life but also
with your teens. Number one, don't be nervous. Your teen, just like a dog, can sense if you are nervous
and then it makes everything even more awkward. So if you can, take some time to get yourself calm
and composed before you have a conversation with your child about something that's really important.
I know there's many things we want to talk to them about. Sometimes it's simple things like what
do you have to do for your homework tonight or what are you doing this weekend with your friends
or can you do your dishes? These are simple things but sometimes there's other things we want
to share with them. Maybe stories from our life, lessons we've learned or concerns that we have
about some things that we've seen in their behavior or with some of their
friends or something. These can seem like touchy subjects but don't be nervous, you are the right
person for that subject. In fact you are the only person that can have that conversation with them
in a way that a parent could have. That's who you are, it's your role. You are the person
that is supposed to be the teacher, the nurturer, the protector of that child and so you need to
wear that mantle of authority, that parental authority cloaked in love and understanding
and calmness of course too as you are talking to them about the subject but don't just stop there
because there are other tips that I have for you to make sure that when you're not nervous
and you're having this loving conversation with your child that you actually nail it. Number two,
within your own heart accept them where they are. Don't worry about a mistake that they've made,
don't worry about what horror they might become but just accept that whatever happened
happened and accept them for their potential as a person. I was a foster parent for a lot of years.
So I raised four children of my own, they're all adults now but I also raised many foster children.
They were treatment children and they came to my home with all kinds of things. They processed
differently, they had things like ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, RAD, FAS, kleptomania, compulsive lying,
anger control issues, things that a lot of people don't want to deal with even
if a person only has one. But many of the youth that came to my home had multiple
of those things that we were dealing with so that made life hard on them. They consistently made
mistakes, they had habits of being disrespectful and rude, violent and unkind but I had to decide
to love them in my heart. I had to decide that even if they were having a hard moment, my heart
wanted to be connected to them. They needed to feel that bond and connection no matter what,
that someone was going to be there for them and I was going to make sure that I maintained that
and the whole world saw that in 2009 when the BBC made a documentary of our family called The
World's Strictest Parents and two troubled teens came to our home to stay for eight days. There
was this moment when James, one of the 17 year olds that was staying at our home for that week,
started to get nervous, upset, he was panicking and he was getting ready to run away from my home and
you see me say James, give me a hug and James and I held each other, we embraced and I told James what
I knew he could accomplish, what he was to me, what hopes I had for him, what I saw that he could do,
that I trusted in the goodness that was in him. In fact in my heart I thought those things, trust.
Trust in the goodness in him, love him, help him feel how much you love him and I remember standing
there embracing him thinking to myself and to him I love him. I love you, feel my love, James, feel it.
I didn't say it out loud but I sent it. When you are talking to your children, you can look at them
in the eyes and you can send love from your heart out your eyes to them and they feel it. That makes
everything you say hit its mark more than anything else you can do. If it comes from love, if it comes
from a place of trust and caring within your heart, even if they act like they're not listening,
they will hear you. Focus on analysis and logic more than emotions. In fact
don't focus on your emotions at all. That is the most classic blunder that parents make is
they start thinking that everything that they are feeling is somehow relevant to the child
when the child is in a selfish place. Well it's not. Many parents will talk to their children in
ways where they say stuff like well when you do that, I feel this or I don't like that because or I-
It doesn't matter about your emotions. You're the teacher, you're the leader. When you are talking to
them about something that needs to change in them, it's got to be about them, not about you.
Analyze your own words, plan not to say the word I. Plan not to say the word me or my
or when you do this to me. Don't say those types of things. Try instead to focus on what they need to
understand so that they can have a change of heart. If you speak to their heart and even if they're
in a selfish place right at the moment, speak to that selfish place, what are they hoping for? Oh,
well they're hoping somebody understands them so then speak to that and say to them you know I know
that you think that no one understands you and I want to understand you. I want to take time
right now and understand where you're really coming from. Don't say anything about yourself.
The most important thing is that you let them know that you're there to understand them. It's not
about you, it's about them at that time, that opens the door so that they're ready to listen,
they're ready to talk. Now what do we do to make sure that they listen? I have more principles
to share with you but before we get to that, hit that subscribe button now. There are so many great
videos that are going to help you bond with your teen. They're also going to help you have better
impact in their lives so click subscribe now and don't forget that notification bell so that you
get notified when a new video comes out on this channel. Principle number four, tone. Tone is a
bigger teacher than word. So, the way you say your words is going to impact the heart of your child
more than the actual words that are said. Now I know some of us have teens who might be
the litigator who picks out every single word that they don't like but it really is the tone
that hits the heart. So how is your tone? Is it calm, is it loving, is it kind, is it understanding? See if
you can try to perfect the perfect tone that lets them know you're not offended by any mistake they
made, you're not taking anything personal but you are there to help them. Number five,
be optimistic, be positive. Nothing ruins an interaction with a person more than your own
negativity. Oh this happened, this happened, these negative things and making a big laundry list of
what everybody did that was wrong, that doesn't move people in the right direction. That holds
them back and gets them stuck in emotion which really can be detrimental. Part of being optimistic
is not just looking ahead at where we're going from here but also choosing to not be offended
and take things personally. Parents oftentimes get offended by the behaviors of their children.
They really wish that the child did not do whatever that behavior was that happened but
we do not serve anyone well by getting offended or taking anything personally. In fact that clouds
the whole conversation. Instead focus on where you're going, not what you experienced or what
happened. Principle number six, you've walked in their shoes. You've been there before. I do believe
that God gives us the people in our lives, the children in our lives that we will understand
how to help. I believe that. I think sometimes they turn out to be little versions of us
which hopefully means that we've conquered the bad things about ourselves enough that we can
now pass it on to the next generation so that they don't have to go through the same mistakes
that we went through too. So they don't think that you understand. They don't think that you've been
there. They think you're perfect and they're broken and a mess, that's not true, you've been there.
You've had hard times. When they're in their teen years, sometimes it's important that you tell
them some of those hard things. Maybe don't get super graphic so that you lead to them
feeling like oh, it's fine. Mom or dad did that so I could do it too but tell them enough so that they
know you've overcome, that you understand and that you don't judge. There was a time years ago where
I felt that I needed to tell my children I love you no matter what.
I love you no matter what. This was part of my tone but it was also like my mantra as a mother. How
could I ever judge them when I just had to look back at my own life and realize how far I'd come.
I couldn't judge them. Instead I needed to understand, to let them know I truly did understand.
I have felt that feeling before. I have overcome that habit too, I have- and we can do it right
empower them with your story. They need to know that they're not as weird as they think they are
or they're not as broken as they think they are. They need to know they're normal on a normal
journey doing what every young person has done, getting through it. Principle number seven, choose
your words carefully. This means don't lecture. It is much better for you to pause for a moment
to think about exactly how you want to phrase your point to the person and then deliver it succinctly
rather than to lecture them. A child will usually only listen to you try to make a point
for about 30 seconds and after that, they're done. They shut you off, they think you're just
trying to control them. They weave all kinds of little ulterior motives into your words so
choose your words carefully, have the right tone, say whatever it is, let it hit the heart and trust
that it hit its mark. For instance you might need to say to a child something about curfew.
Maybe they didn't come home in time for curfew and you need to talk to them about that.
Well you might do a correction but before the correction, you might just look at them and say
you had promised me before that you would come home on time. When you don't come home on time,
I have to make alterations for the future, that's it. You don't have to say anything else.
Let them know that they fell through on something and then this is what's going to have to happen
then after that tell them what the correction is going to be but it doesn't have to be a lecture
either. Keep it short and sweet. If you need help with your corrections that is what I am
all about. I give people scripts and words to say for the corrections, that's what I'm known
for all over the world and I'll give you some help for that in just a moment. Principle number
eight, tell them the truths that they don't see. There is always what is seen and what is not seen.
Oftentimes we focus so much on what is seen and what is felt that we don't put any of our focus
on what is not seen. A heart change happens because we find a truth that we didn't know before, that is
usually something that was not seen before. It's up to parents to identify this is what happened,
this is what is seen and then say but what might not be seen is this and that is going to give
their heart a reason to make a change and so then they say okay so then let's change the outcome.
Let's now plan for a new thing that we can see so that we know that we are going in the right
direction to get the right truth to be at the base of all of our actions. I was a strong-willed person.
In fact all of my children were strong-willed and well, my foster children were strong-willed
too, that's one of the reasons that they were in my home doing treatment care. So I have a
bit of experience with strong-willed people and there's something that I know for a fact.
The strong-willed person will change their course if they find the truth and so the truth
must be revealed. Emotional manipulation, anger, frustration, just pulling privileges all the time,
that kind of thing does not teach a truth. The truth must be shared. Sure, negative consequences
need to happen sometime and I do have a way that I know works really well at using negative
consequences that hits the heart too but you need to make sure that you are always taking time to
get to the principle, to get to the truth that will make a lasting heart change for the child. Talking
with your teens can seem like a big deal but over time, if you apply these eight principles that we
have just talked about, you will actually feel like it's a pleasure to have those conversations
and they will too. They should feel liberating, they should open the door to more open communication in
the future which is what you really want. Now I know sometimes we have to correct our children.
Sometimes they've done something that demands some sort of a negative consequence. Well I want to help
you with that. There is a video on this channel, it's a full-length class and it's called the
not so known secret for parenting success. So click on the link to that video now so that you can get
additional help for how to talk to, open up with and correct your teenager.