- I'm getting married which is cool.
(audience cheers)
Yeah, I'm really excited to be getting married
because I'm really bad at dating.
Did you know that if you just lie to people
they'll like you?
(audience laughs)
Everyone's like, "Dating's so hard".
Just lie completely about your personality
and everyone will fall in love.
(audience laughs)
I lied constantly when I was dating.
One time a guy who was super hot was talking to me
and he was like, "Do you wanna go surfing?"
And I was like, "Oh my God, I love surfing. (laughs)
"I would love to go."
Does it look like I've ever gone surfing in my fucking life?
(audience laughs)
Look at these fucking naturals,
you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
But he's like, "Great,
"I'll pick you up tomorrow, we'll go".
I was like, "Perfect".
I put on a gorgeous bathing suit,
wake up so excited.
I put on my best bathing suit.
The kinda bathing suit that's not supposed
to be touched by water.
You know, it's designer, it's gorgeous.
The second it touches water it literally disintegrates.
(audience laughs)
So he pulls up in front of my house
in a truck. (laughs)
Have you guys ever seen one of these before?
(audience laughs) Have you?
Immediately cumming in my pants.
What?
Sit in this thing, boppin' all around, loving every second.
His boards stacked in the back.
He's like, "What do you wanna ride?"
And I was like, "I don't know. (laughs)
"One that's long and hard,
"that I can ride for hours."
He was like, "Yeah, I got that".
I'm like, "Great, you're a fucking idiot".
(audience laughs)
So we get in his car, we go to the beach.
I like, hop out, you know, I'm delicate.
And I sort of look at the ocean
and I'm just like, "(inhales sharply) Yeah,
"I don't think we can go out today".
(audience laughs)
And he's like, "Why?"
And I was like, "(inhales sharply) The conditions".
(audience laughs)
"I can't really rip with those waves."
And in that moment, I thanked God
that I studied "Blue Crush" as a child.
(audience laughs)
He looked at me, he's like,
"You know, you're absolutely right.
"We don't have to go surfing."
So we go to the beach, my plan is now working.
I will derobe, look insanely fucking hot,
we'll be at the beach 45 minutes, leave, and smash. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
But he gets down to the beach
and does that annoying boy thing
where he rips his shirt off like that.
You know how guys do that?
And it's like, why?
Why do you need to do this to take your shirt off?
Tosses it and just runs into the fucking ocean.
Like a dog chasing a ball.
(audience laughs)
Doesn't even consider that he is just entering an abyss.
You know what I'm saying?
It's space downstairs.
(audience laughs)
So then I'm left on the shore.
And I'm just like, "Okay, I'll set the things here".
Set them down, derobe, standing there.
He's like, "Come in!
"Come in!
"It's awesome!"
And I'm like, looking like his stepmom.
I'm like, "Uh-huh!
"Sure thing, sweetie, yes!
"I'll be there in a second!"
So finally I'm like, fuck it, I have to go in, you know?
So I slowly make my entrance, like a Bond girl.
(audience laughs)
Looking out.
He doesn't see me.
(audience laughs)
I get in the water.
Walking toward him.
And then that annoying thing happens
where the sand just falls off.
And then without your consent,
you're fully submerged in the fucking ocean.
(audience laughs)
So now I'm forced
to tread
to him.
And I'm not one of those women
that looks hot when I get wet.
I become Christopher Walken.
(audience laughs)
So I'm treading, wet, neck strained, (gasps).
Fully Christopher Walken approaching him.
(audience laughs)
And right when I get close enough to, what I think,
will be his big fucking hands grabbing my ass
and then we can just get on with the day.
(audience laughs)
A wave comes and crashes upon me.
Now we're in the Pacific, okay?
We're at a California Beach, we're in Laguna.
This wave is tossing my ass to shore
like I'm a fucking taquito.
(audience laughs)
Rolls me up, I'm like a sandy churro,
just like, on the fucking side.
I stand up, I'm literally just like, (gasps).
Snot from my nose touching the ground.
I'm reborn, seeing fucking God for the first time.
I look down, my labia sliced in half
by my fucking Missoni knit bathing suit.
Look down, terror.
Slowly stand up, I'm like, (gasping).
My tit sliced in half, nipple not hard,
looking like a slice of pepperoni.
(audience laughs)
And his ass just jogs out.
And he's like, "(laughs) That looks pretty bad.
"Hey, by the way, did you notice
"the water sparkles? (laughs)"
(audience laughs)
Great, good time, Kevin, thank you so much.
No, it's good that I'm not dating anymore,
but I love being a wing-woman because I love sports bars.
Have you guys ever gone to these places?
Oh my God, rock on, they're amazing.
TVs, baskets of food everywhere.
(audience laughs) I love it.
Someone scores, and I'm that friend that's just like.
♪ Yeah ♪
And everyone's like, "This fucking bitch".
I'm like, "Let's fucking go!"
(audience laughs)
Everyone's on my side.
But I love them because I love
watching men eat chicken wings.
Have you ever watched this?
Eyes locked on a screen, a steaming, piping hot
basket of food gets placed right in front of them.
And without looking, without looking,
they just dig and start to gobble.
Now these things are piping fucking hot, okay?
Raging hot.
Just (chewing). (audience laughs)
Rimming them, they rim that inside.
You know what I'm talking about?
That inside bone, they just
clean with the tip of their tongue, hard.
(audience laughs)
And it's like, why can't you eat pussy like that?
(audience laughs)
What is wrong?
But then I'm left there to watch them
clean up their fingers.
So they finish the basket, they're sopping wet.
Looks like they dipped their fingers in a Fenty palette.
(audience laughs)
Glistening.
And then they proceed to lick and chew simultaneously
the sauce off.
And now I'm stuck staring at these vaguely orange fingers.
And I'm forced to reflect on my life.
(audience laughs)
And I just have to think to myself,
that's definitely given me a yeast infection before.
(audience laughs)
Just the kiss of Frank's Red Hot,
it throws my flora right off, hun.