Friend of mine was having an anniversary with his
He's like, "I'm just gonna pick up
some ice cream and head home."
That's fine.
That's a romantic food.
And then he said this.
He goes, "Yeah, I'm just gonna pick up some Breyers."
There is no reason to eat Breyers ice cream
if you're under 90 fucking years old.
Breyers ice cream was recently voted
the ice cream most likely to dribble out of your mouth
during a stroke.
Every day, my 85-year-old grandmother
has three Dewar's on the rocks
and a bowl of Breyers peach ice cream.
What do you guys think the best brand of ice cream--
not flavor-- brand?
( scattered shouts )
Man: Ben & Jerry's.
Ben & Jerry's!
Someone's a drug addict. Thank you.
Ben & Jerry's always has one thing
that does not belong in the ice cream.
It's like, "We have fudge and M&Ms
and pieces of my couch."
"We have caramel, popcorn,
and the W computer key right in there."
It's like, let's have one person that's not on acid
when we make the fucking ice cream.
What else, Blue Bell,
that just had a fucking E. coli recall?
How 'bout you-- How does that even happen?
What, does some meth head drop a chicken wing in the vat?
Set a standard. It's not Blue Bell. What else?
- Man: Ben & Jerry's. - ( scattered shouts )
Häagen-Dazs is very Nazi-ish, let's be honest.
( in German accent ) Häagen-Dazs!
Our only flavor is vanilla!
What else? Not Häagen-Dazs. What else?
Talenti is gelato. Please pay attention.
We get it. You're better than everybody else.
What are you, a travel writer?
It's not a real job.
It's not Talenti. What else?
- ( scattered shouts ) - Baskin-Robbins?
The problem with Baskin-Robbins,
there's always too much shit going on.
It's always like Baskin-Robbins,
Subway, a police precinct,
a gas station, an abortion clinic,
an Indian guy selling cigars out of a humidor.
And there's one person working all of those jobs...
trying to outrun automation in fucking real time.
It's not Baskin-Robbins. What else?
- ( scattered shouts ) - Turkey Hill!
Oh, that NASCAR watching,
white-trash, middle-American brand.
They sell Turkey Hill at the Pennsylvania Turnpike
at gas stations
where pregnant women fight each other
and people bet on it.
What's Turkey Hill's latest flavor gonna be, meth?
Moose Track marks?
It's not Turkey Hill. What else?
- ( scattered shouts ) - Man: Cold Stone!
Someone said Cold Stone.
Here's the problem with Cold Stone.
They make the employees sing to you.
Many of those people are at the lowest point of their lives.
Nobody wants to hear this...
♪ Welcome to Cold Stone ♪
♪ I get my daughter back next week ♪
♪ Welcome to Cold Stone ♪
♪ One more clean urine ♪
♪ I'm out of the program ♪
It's not Cold Stone. What else?
( scattered shouts )
- Man: Dairy Queen! - Man 2: Dairy Queen!
Dairy Queen does not even advertise that they're good.
Dairy Queen's only advertisement
is that they can hand you their product upside down.
It is fun to look at the prison tattoos
of whosever handing you the Dairy Queen.
You're like, "Is that Mexican mafia?
Oh, yeah, that's nice. Great inkwork."
It's not Dairy Queen. What else?
Carvel? Here's the thing with Carvel.
Carvel's a soft-serve ice cream.
You have eight seconds to eat Carvel ice cream
before it looks like somebody ejaculated in your car.
- Man: McDonald's. - Man 2: Dippin' Dots.
McDonald's? First of all--
Someone just said, "Dippin' Dots."
Some husk-- some--
Some husk of a human being in the back
just said Dippin' Dots,
the ice cream that tastes like rocks.
It has the mouth feel of cat litter.
What do you mean, how do I know it?
I've been in positions that I'm not proud of.
What kind of psychopath thinks Dippin' Dots--
"I wish ice cream tasted like gravel."
And then someone over here said McDonald's.
And I just wanna say,
"I hope whatever you're going through,
you come out on the other side of."
- ( woman shouts ) - What?
You went so fucking local right there.
I love that! So fucking local.
You're like, "The deli that I work at, motherfucker!"
See, in New York, we'd have all these fucking hipsters
that would be-- they wouldn't name one brand.
Everything would be some fucking little weird shop
where the ice cream is made by four lesbians in a tub,
and they have flavors, like hand soap and lavender
and fucking focaccia bread.
There's a flavor called "equality,"
and you're not allowed to ask what's in it.
There is no answer.
I actually think I'm lactose intolerant.
But there's...
( cheering )