Hey guys, I’m Kya and y’know, I’m not the biggest Superman fan.
That big blue boy scout is just out here tryna mess up my plans to conquer Earth.
I’ve thrown bricks at him, bombs and every kind of laser beam
but he just won’t stop coming at me.
I’m not about to give up yet, though, and neither should you.
Because we’ve compiled a guide for criminals, conquerors, and comic fans everywhere who are dying to know
How to Kill Superman
Let’s start with the basics.
Kryptonians evolved a dense cellular structure to survive on their harsh home planet,
and Earth’s yellow sun grants them vast superhuman powers and makes them virtually invulnerable.
The key word being “virtually.”
We’re gonna get into more obscure means to kill the Man of Steel,
but first we’re gonna address that old standby,
Kryptonite
Kryptonite... Yeahhhh...
This radioactive rock was formed in the destruction of Krypton, and it comes in several different varieties,
but if you’re out for blood, your best bet is that green stuff.
It’s been used to kill Clark on more than one occasion.
Now, I don’t want to cover too much ‘Elseworlds’ stuff here,
Because it’s hard enough dealing with the actual Superman.
But I have to talk about a 1961 “imaginary story” called “The Death of Superman.”
Lex Luthor has a change of heart in prison and decides to use that big bald brain for good.
He discovers the cure for cancer, and in return he gets paroled and becomes BFFs with Superman.
You cure cancer, then I guess you get out of jail. Cool.
Of course, the cure was just a ruse, and Lex blast Supes with Kryptonite rays until he dies in agony as all his friends watch.
Ding ding ding ding ding...
This is why you don’t mess with Lex Luthor.
He’ll spend millions of dollars to make Holly Hunter drink a jar of pee,
and he will literally cure cancer and save a billion lives just to kill Superman.
And now God bends to my will!
Green K is just as deadly outside of the comics, too.
Darkseid uses it to kill Clark in the last episode of 'Super Friends,'
And a whole island of the stuff stops his heart in ‘Superman Returns.’
Plus it definitely softened him up for Doomsday in ‘Batman v. Superman.’
But what if you don’t have access to Kryptonite?
Cause that shit is rare, expensive, and extremely dangerous to humans.
Well, I’ve got a question for any wannabe Superman slayer:
Do you believe in Magic?
When the music is singing, and hey hey...
At the end of the day, Superman’s a creature of science.
He can withstand the physical forces of the universe,
But when it comes to the supernatural he’s as weak as any mortal.
Magic!
Superman’s weakness to magic is why Shazam always gives him a hard time,
and how Wonder Woman’s sword is sharp enough to cut his skin.
Occasionally, Clark has faced magic powerful enough to kill him.
Like when C-list villain Dr. Light brainwashed him into suicide by magic wand,
Or when some jabroni named Count Crystal murdered Superman and sent his ghost to Hell.
When it comes to villains these guys aren’t exactly heavy hitters,
and honestly it feels like any random Ravenclaw could kill Supes without breaking a sweat.
But if you’re just a muggle like me,
you can always make him suffer with a
Shock to the System
Superman is one tough cookie, but he’s not a god.
You were never a god.
His body can handle a lot, but saving the world can take a toll on you, and sometimes it can be fatal.
He might come down with a bad case of Virus-X, basically Kryptonian leprosy.
Or he can be poisoned by the very sun that gives him his powers.
In ‘All-Star Superman,’ another Elseworlds story too good to ignore,
Clark absorbs a fatal amount of solar radiation during his decades on Earth.
So after saving the world one last time, he flies into our badly damaged sun and becomes one with the star.
No one can repair the sun but me, Lois. I'm turning into pure energy.
It doesn’t even have to be that dramatic.
Sometime, Kal-El’s body can just… burn out.
2016, the last time he died, was a very rough year for Superman.
He was corrupted inside a fire pit on Apokolips,
so he dosed himself with Kryptonite chemotherapy.
Then, after getting his ass kicked by a fake Kryptonian god, the strain became too much.
Superman exploded in a blast of green light and his body turned to sand.
Cool. I'm so upset about it, oh no.
He dying in lame ways because he's a lame guy!
He exploded into sand! Can we talk about this? Whatever.
But don’t worry, that wasn’t the “real” Superman.
The one that kicked the bucket was the rebooted New 52 version.
The classic Clark was still running around in secret, and soon both versions were combined into one character with the same history and memories.
It’s just some comics bullshit, don’t think too hard about it.
But it does mean the current Superman remembers his most famous and least complicated death of all,
getting Punched Really Hard.
Sometimes that’s all it takes.
Even the Golden Age Superman,
arguably his most powerful incarnation ever,
was beaten to death by a superpowered fanboy in ‘Infinite Crisis.’
But the most infamous death of Superman was the 1993 saga of the same name.
When planning the event, DC didn’t want the honor of Superman’s death going to yet another mad scientist or magician,
so they created Doomsday, a character who could destroy Kal-El with his pure, brute strength.
This killer from primordial Krypton was bred by scientists to be the ultimate organism.
They sent him out into the wastes to die again and again, cloning a new body after each death.
That sucks! Can you imagine if your existence was just you dying and dying and dying until you become... whatever?
After hundreds of thousands of years, Doomsday evolves into the ultimate killing machine and winds up imprisoned on Earth.
I feel bad for Doomsday!
Ohh, he's just misunderstood!
For months, the comics built him up as a mysterious figure smashing his way out of confinement,
and after escaping he annihilates the entire Justice League with one hand tied behind his back.
He carves a path of destruction towards Metropolis, where Supes is determined to hold the line.
The two slug it out in one final battle, and after a 'Rocky II' style double KO, both combatants lie dead in the streets.
If he dies, he dies.
It didn’t take Kryptonite or a curse to kill the Man of Steel,
just a whole lot of punching.
Supes would be back on his feet soon, though,
thanks to a Kryptonian regeneration matrix at the Fortress of Solitude.
Convenient.
While his body healed, his soul was rescued by Pa Kent,
who had a near death experience of his own and convinced Clark to head away from the light.
I miss you son.
I miss you too, Dad.
Supes emerged from the matrix with an edgy black jumpsuit, a triumphant new mullet, and a shitload of guns.
And once his powers returned, the one true Superman was back again, less than a year after he died.
Most comic fans weren’t surprised, but a lot of people believed the hype.
I mean, that issue was supposed to pay for my college education, and now it’s worth less than toilet paper.
But I think people wised up by the time ‘Batman v. Superman’ came around.
The second we saw Doomsday, I think everyone knew the deal.
I’m surprised they even kept Henry Cavill off the poster for Justice League.
Either way, DC isn’t gonna let one of their most famous heroes rest in peace for long.
It hurts to admit, but I might never be rid of this big blue bonehead.
But that’s okay.
I guess we need someone to fight for truth, justice and the American way.