FRIENDLY REMINDER ONCE AGAIN, MOTHER'S DAY IS SUNDAY, WHEN WE
ALL OBSERVE -- YEAH, GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR MOTHERS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?
THEY DESERVE A SPECIAL DAY.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT'S WHEN WE ALL OBSERVE THE ANNUAL TRADITION OF
TAKING MOM OUT FOR LUNCH AND GETTING ENOUGH MIMOSAS IN HER SO
THAT SHE WON'T NOTICE YOU'RE SIGNING HER CARD UNDER
THE TABLE.
AND SHE LOVES IT.
MOMS LOVE YOUR CARDS.
BUT EVEN THE BEST MOTHERS DAY CARDS HAD TO START SOMEWHERE.
AND THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE
FIRST TRY.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME EARLY
EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT "FIRST DRAFTS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS ALWAYS, WITH FIRST DRAFTS, I
NEED A LITTLE HELP WITH THIS.
ANY MOMS HERE TONIGHT?
( CHEERING ) COME ON UP!
THERE YOU GO, PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
HAVE A SEAT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOUNG LADY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
>> HILLARY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LAST NAME?
>> HILLARY YAMOWITS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: HERE'S A MIMOSA FOR YOU AND SOME EGGS BENEDICT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: AND SOME CUTLERY, BUT I URGE YOU NOT TO EAT IT
BECAUSE I THINK WE MADE THIS AROUND 3:00 THIS AFTERNOON.
OKAY?
NOW, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN FIRST DRAFTS?
>> I HAVE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE?
OKAY.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO, I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO THE
PEOPLE OUT THERE BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW, WE'VE GOT A SERIES
OF WONDERFUL GREETING CARDS HERE FOR MOTHER'S DAY.
WE'LL SHOW YOU A MOTHER'S DAY CARD THE FINAL DRAFT, AND THEN
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU FOR THE FIRST DRAFT, THE ONE THEY DIDN'T
GET RIGHT AND THEY HAD TO CORRECT TO MAKE IT A PROPER
MOTHER'S DAY CARD.
HAVE I SOLD THE PREMISE TO YOU?
>> I GOT IT.
>> Stephen: HOLD THESE AND HAND THESE OVER TO ME.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> ATLANTA, GEORGIA.
>> Stephen: AND YOU ARE A MOTHER?
>> THREE BEAUTIFUL BOILS.
>> Stephen: WONDERFUL.
WHO'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL?
( LAUGHTER ) TELL ME LATER.
TELL ME LATER.
OKAY, IT'S THE YOUNGEST ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN I HAVE THE FIRST CARD THERE,
PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
WELL, HERE'S A REALLY NICE CARD.
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO THE COOLEST MOM
IN THE WORLD.
>> I LIKE THAT ONE BUT THE FIRST SAID, "AMBER'S MOM
LETS US SMOKE WEED IN THEIR MINI VAN."
>> NOT SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: NOT SO MUCH?
WHICH MOM ARE YOU?
>> THE COOL MOM.
>> Stephen: IS THAT SMOKING WEED IN THE MINIVAN?
>> MAYBE NOT SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: NOT SO MUCH.
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU HERE WITH YOUR WHOLE FAMILY?
>> I'M HERE WITH MY OLDEST SON AND MY FATHER AND MY STEP-MOM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AWFULLY NICE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
ANYTHING FUN?
>> WELL, WE'RE ON THE STEPHEN COLBERT SHOW.
THAT'S PRETTY FUN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'VE GOT MY OWN
RIGHT HERE.
>> THAT'S NICE.
>> Stephen: CHEERS.
TO YOU, MOM.
OKAY, SO, LET'S SEE, HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
MOM, YOU ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
>> THAT IS NICE.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY,
MY DOCTOR SAYS THE ANGINA IS HEREDITARY.
YOU HEALTHY?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: PASSED THOSE BEAUTIFULLY.
THERE YOU GO.
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO A SUPER MOM."
>> I LIKE THAT ONE, TOO.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
"YOUR WOMB IS NOW PART OF THE MARVEL
EXTENDED UNIVERSE."
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU SEEN THE AVENGERS?
>> HAVE NOT YET.
MY BOYS WANT TO SEE IT, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: THEY HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET?
>> THE YOUNGEST ONE DID.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE WE TALKING HERE?
>> SIMON'S 14, JARED IS 17 AND BENJAMIN IS 19.
>> Stephen: 19, OKAY, GREAT.
AND THEY GET ALONG AND EVERYTHING?
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THEY DO.
THEY'RE GOOD KIDS.
>> Stephen: AGAIN, WHEN THE CAMERA'S OFF, WE'LL TALK.
>> RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THIS ONE'S NICE.
"MOM, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN JUST YOU AND ME."
ISN'T THAT NICE?
A LILT DAUGHTER TO THEIR MOM.
IT'S SO NICE.
ALTHOUGH THE FIRST DRAFT READ, "WHERE DID YOU HIDE DAD'S BODY?"
( LAUGHTER ) BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: CAN I HAVE THA,ONE?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S ONE, "NOTHING SLOWS YOU DOWN, MOM."
BECAUSE MOM'S ARE ALWAYS GOING.
>> I KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST DRAFT READ,
"THE COPS SAID YOU WERE ON SO MUCH METH, THE TASER HAD NO
EFFECT."
( LAUGHTER ) >> THAT'S A NO, MA'AM FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A MOM.
HERE'S ONE, "NO ONE DOES IT LIKE YOU, MOM."
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE IN OUR FAMILY'S GARDEN.
THE SECOND ONE SAYS BUT YOU ARE ALSO THE GREMLIN IN OUR LIQUOR
CABINET.
TAKES THE EDGE OFF.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: VERY NICE.
HAVE YOU SEEN ANY OTHER LATE NIGHT SHOWS WHILE YOU'RE HERE?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE A BUNCH OF OTHERS ONES.
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT I LIKE.
YES.
>> Stephen: HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS,
"YOUR LOVE SHOWS IN EVERYTHING YOU DO."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "YOUR UNDERWEAR SHOWS IN EVERYTHING
YOU WEAR."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LISTEN -- LISTEN -- I
UNDERSTAND THAT REACTION FROM THE AUDIENCE, AND THAT'S WHY
THIS WAS A FIRST DRAFT.
THEY DIDN'T SELL THIS ONE.
THAT'S WHY.
>> RIGHT.
WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED.
>> Stephen: NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT LIKE IN CASE THE KIDS ARE
WATCHING?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR MOTHER'S DAY?
>> YOU KNOW, THEY GIVE ME SO MUCH LOVE EVERY DAY, AND --
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NO, IT IS TRUE.
I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO HAVE THREE HEALTHY, WONDERFUL KIDS.
MY SON IS HOME FROM COLLEGE.
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE ALL OF THEM TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: SO, LIKE, RUNNING SHOES IN.
>> NEW EARRINGS.
>> Stephen: NEW EARRINGS.
DOESN'T MATTER.
NEW EARRINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS "HAPPY
MOTHERS DAY, THANKS FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "YOU NEED TO GET YOUR OWN PLACE.
RICK AND I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN THREE MONTHS."
( LAUGHTER ) HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, HILLARY,
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THIS IS GOOD.
TAKE THIS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANNETTE BENING.