Hello I m Darren Magee and the topics for today s video come from questions around how narcissistic
people behave around Christmas time. But that being said it doesn't just have to be
Christmas. The following behaviours could apply to how a narcissist behaves around any important
or special event, especially on occasions when they re not necessarily the centre of attention.
Now there is a lot to cover in this so I've decided to break this video into two parts. In
this video I'm going to look at some of the common attitudes and behaviours coming up to and during
the holiday itself. Some of these behaviours could apply to any kind of relationship with a
narcissistic person. Could be family, parents, In-laws, partners, even an ex partner. In the
next video I'm going to discuss narcissists and gift giving and receiving. So just to remind you,
narcissism is characterised by a sense of entitlement. There is being disagreeable and
a constant need for validation and admiration. There's also a lack of empathy for others. And
narcissism can present itself in different ways, but one way or another Christmas or indeed any
kind of special occasion, can be ruined by a narcissist s need to be the centre of attention,
a sense of superiority and a need for perfection. If something isn't about them, they'll soon
make it about them. And Christmas can also be an opportunity for different sources of narcissistic
supply. Supply through acts of grandiosity, generosity, temper tantrums, aggression, passive
aggression and sulking and the need to control everything and everyone around them. So first of
all, maybe that narcissist is someone you're not necessarily going to see over Christmas. It could
be someone who's maybe spending Christmas with someone else, or maybe they booked a holiday,
or could even be a narcissistic manager at work. One way or another just prior to maybe work ending
or ending for that break, they might do or say something they know is going to ruin someone's
holiday. Because some narcissists only really get to feel good about themselves if they feel
better than other people. So there could be an insult, an insinuation, a threat. Anything they
hope will lower that persons mood, make them feel bad. Perhaps have them worry over the holidays or
make them think about them. Think about what was said or done, rather than just think about
the holiday. Or you might find someone who maybe gets more involved in the planning than you would
like to. Perhaps they even takeover completely. Narcissists tend to expect and demand perfection
but often end up ruining things for and alienating those around them in the process of trying to
create the perfect Christmas. They like to have control as well, so anything the partner or the
kids or family members do is never good enough. It's never right. Only they can get it right.
Some narcissists can be quite altruistic. But inviting people over, cooking dinner,
giving gifts isn't always about love and kindness. Quite often it's about looking good to others.
They expect a lot of glowing praise, gratitude, and adoration for the things they do for others.
Grandiose narcissists might make a lot of demands about the kind of Christmas they expect,
but they demand others to make it perfect for them. They don't really do anything themselves.
If you remember that sense of entitlement. Any preparation work, any planning, well, that's
really the work of lesser people. That being said, they can still find fault, complain it's
not good enough. So Christmas could be declared a disaster in spite of other people's attempts
to please them. If they re invited somewhere, if they are a guest, when they turn up they
might still actually takeover everything, order other people around to pander to them because
they're not just a guest. They re the guest of honour. A common characteristic of narcissism,
is being disagreeable. So if they don't get things their way, the way they would like them will,
they might just declare Christmas ruined. If they don't get to enjoy their perfect Christmas,
they'll make sure no one else gets to enjoy it either. Many narcissists also thrive on chaos.
So they may try to create some kind of drama or maybe start an argument over something just to
ruin the day. And those arguments could be for different reasons. Maybe coming up to Christmas
it could be an excuse not to have to buy someone a gift or not to have to invite them over. It could
be to make a big deal out of punishing someone by withdrawing, giving them the silent treatment
or lashing out in rage, creating fear. Now if they have to do something they don't really want to do,
like maybe they've agreed, or they have to spend Christmas with the in laws or whatever,
on the way there they might start an argument in the car with their partner just to ruin the
partners day. As soon as they arrive they re maybe nice as pie, but the partner is still left shaken.
Narcissistic parents or in laws may demand their kids spend Christmas with them. Now it doesn't
matter if that's a young family, maybe they have plans of their own. They have other inlaws, other
relatives to visit as well. The expectation is that they should prioritise them over everything
and everyone else. There can be upset, outrage at what they consider to be ingratitude if that
family can't make it, or if they have other plans. They believe they're grown up kids are obligated
to them somehow. They may even try to guilt trip them with things like, Well, I might not be here
this time next year, or, This could well be my last Christmas . And before you know it,
it's maybe being their last Christmas for the past 20 years. Or they may just turn up on announced
on Christmas morning, regardless of what that young family have planned. Monopolise their time,
hold them back from whatever plans they've made, maybe by playing the amazing doting grandparent.
Another common behaviour of narcissism is bragging. A narcissist can spend all day,
Christmas Day talking about their favourite subject, themselves. What an amazing year they've
had. Compare the gifts that they got compared to the gifts that others got. Anything anyone
else has done, anywhere they have been, anyone they've met, well, the narcissist can generally
outdo that. If it's someone you maybe don't see from one year to the next, then you ve pretty much
got a years worth of success stories, incredible achievements. Even if people are just bored out
of their skulls, they can still keep on going. Anything at all to get attention and admiration.
Remember, narcissists believe that others are envious of them, or they should be envious of
them. Then there are those who can spend all day just being miserable. Maybe the day isn't about
them, or they don't want to be there, or perhaps they invited someone who had other plans. This
kind of behaviour would be mostly associated with covert narcissists. They tend to live a
life of unfulfillment and misery and often seem incapable of enjoying themselves. So they spend
the day complaining and being miserable. Maybe they have an allergy to mistletoe. Or Christmas
reminds them of some tragedy in their life. You know, that time the cat choked on some Turkey.
And because they're miserable, they think everyone else should be just as miserable as
well. They tend to try to lower everybody's mood, complain about gifts, complain about the food.
What somebody said maybe 10 years ago how that still offends them. Maybe that time Santa looked
at them in the wrong way. Any happiness or joy they do show, well others have to be grateful,
it's such a huge effort for them to be happy with all the tragedy they have to put up with. Some can
be moody, withdrawn, not participate in anything, but just pour out constant negativity. They get
their supply from others trying to cheer them up, but nothing ever does. When people are trying
to cheer them up they feel important. Another common characteristic of narcissism is image. It
s often all about image. They might stage a lot of things, taking pictures and movies of kids opening
their presents, looks of surprise on peoples faces, joyous moments around the dinner table.
Maybe taking pictures of expensive gifts or whatever but it's all to post on social media,
showing a perfect family having a perfect Christmas. What the pictures don't show is
the tension, the outrage, the unkind humour, the jokes with jags. It also doesn't show that maybe
that's their fifth or sixth attempt to take the same picture, trying to get it perfect.
Narcissists can also be quite opportunistic. If someone has maybe went no contact or has been
using the grey rock method, a narcissist might see Christmas as an opportunity to try to reel
them back into their lives. It is after all, a time of peace and happiness and goodwill to
all. They might send someone a Christmas card or a text, perhaps even a gift. Maybe they give that
gift to someone else to pass on on their behalf. They might send a text or an e-mail, beginning
with something like, I hope you're having a nice Christmas , but ending with things like,
I was just walking through this winter Wonderland thinking about you. I know how much you love
Christmas or, Remember the amazing Christmas we had last year? Where did it all go wrong? There
may even be guilt tripping. I hope you're having a lovely Christmas. I'm all alone here . There
may be threats. They may demand explanations for things that have absolutely no relevance
to the holiday at all. Use nonsensical word salad, gaslight, anything at all to try to get some kind
of a response. Once they get any kind of response, even if it's a go away and leave me alone kind of
response, they still now have attention. Their target is now thinking about them. So they are
being fed. So to summarise, narcissists can be quite inconsiderate even towards those closest
to them, even their own kids. They can also be resentful of others. They like to control
everything so they might turn up late, maybe not turn up at all or just leave at a moments notice
because they believe the world, the Christmas holidays, everything else revolves around them.
Some can be contemptuous, scornful, lower the mood of everyone with their self righteousness,
their unkind humour and their tales of woe. Because narcissists lack the empathy to just
allow others to just relax and enjoy themselves. And they can also be very destructive even in
genuine attempts to make others happy. They can ruin everything with their need for control.
Sometimes being a part of something isn't enough. They have to own it. If others are having fun,
it has to be on their terms. So that's just a few of the common ways narcissistic people can
behave at Christmas, or as I said, any kind of special occasion. There's always a lot of things
I haven t added please feel free to use the comment box below. There are some interesting
conversations start around these videos. Next time I'm going to be looking at narcissists and all the
dynamics around gift giving and receiving, but if you find this video interesting,
please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.