We have to figure out a lot of things as parents. And one of those things is how
to get our kids to stop lying. I have 3 specific strategies for you today.
So, we're talking today about how to get kids to stop lying. Let's flip that, shall
we? Let's go to the positive end of this first and talk about principles. What is
it that we really want? We want our kids to stop lying or we want them to be
honest? Hear the difference? Starting with the principle of honesty. We teach our
children correct principles first. If they learn the principle of honesty,
they're less likely to lie, aren't they? So, we're starting with the basic
educational principle-based approach to teach the principle of honesty. Why is it
important? What is it that makes this a good principle to live by? How are our
kids going to know unless we teach them? Recently, I had a teenager who was
brought to my office by his parents who were very frustrated about his behavior.
Kyler was being disrespectful. He was using language that his parents did not
approve of and he was lying a lot about a lot of things. You know what was so
interesting about Kyler? When we got him here to the office and started talking
about principles like honesty, he had this amazing response. He said, "I never
knew that that was so important." Really? His parents knew. I knew. But
he didn't know. And how is he going to know unless we teach him? That's why it's
so important to have a principle-based educational approach first. Give them the
why. Teach your kids the why. And when they have a strong enough why they'll figure
out the how. This is not just for kids either. Let me tell you about Dorothy. A
mom who is doing some coaching with me online. She's clear across the continent
from me. And as I see her face on my computer and we're having a conversation
about her parenting, she said this to me. And I quote, "Dr. Paul, I never knew that
it was even an option to be positive as a parent." Okay. that sounds a little crazy.
But that's what she said to me. Her own experience had never taught her that
there was an option. Her own parents were so negative and yelling and screaming
all the time that she thought that's how parenting is done. It was here on this
channel that she discovered that there's another option.
Those are just a couple of examples. Let's not assume that our kids already
know that lying is wrong. And you might think, "Well, I've taught them not to lie."
Yeah, you probably have. Let's make sure that we beef up our principle-based
education for our children. Let them know what's right. My second tip for you today.
Now that we've established a principle-based educational approach with our kids.
We're teaching them the values and the principles. What are we going to do about
the lying? I like to start with another principle and that is hard-easy versus
easy-hard. Hard-easy versus easy-hard. Think about your own experience
for a moment. Have you noticed this about life? That when you do the easy thing
right now, it typically sets you up for a harder experience later on. Right? Yeah,
you can think of examples, can't you? And when you do the hard thing now, it
typically sets you up for an easier life later on. This is true for our kids too.
And we're going to apply this to the lying. As we attach consequences to the
misbehavior. Now, remember it's important to take the emotion out of the
discipline. I want you to be smiling. And when parents are smiling, kids are
thinking. That's a really good rule of thumb. Just remember that. You're going to
be smiling. You're good. You're calm. Remember calm voice, calm face, calm body.
I say remember because there are multiple other videos here on the
channel where you can pick up different skills related to those particular
things. So, I'm just touching on them briefly here in this one. But go to the
positive parenting playlist to learn more. We've also got a playlist called
the Nova principals playlist. And that's where we're hitting some of the
principle-based programs that we're talking about here. So, with that in place,
you're calm, you're smiling and you have a consequence ready for 2 things.
Alright? This is where it gets a little tricky but stay with me. There's a
consequence for whatever misbehavior happened that your kid is lying about.
Right? Because why are they lying? They're trying to cover something up. What did
they do that they feel they need to lie about? Well, there's going to be a
consequence for that behavior. Plus a penalty for lying about it. So hard-easy,
easy-hard. The easy thing for them would be to lie, right? Because they get off the
hook immediately. But then they just created
harder consequence later on because they get the consequence for the misbehavior
that they're lying about plus a penalty. It's harder to lie. Okay, what if they do
the hard thing now? What's the hard thing? Tell the truth.
Own up to it. Fess up. Be accountable for whatever it is that you've messed up on.
That's a principle we want them to learn as well, right? That would be the hard
thing to do. But if they do that, they get a consequence for the misbehavior and a
little bit of a reward for telling the truth about it. Does that sound weird?
What are we rewarding? We're rewarding their honesty. And it could be as simple
as praise. It could be, "Oh, wow. I am so impressed that you owned up to that just
now. Thank you for being honest." That's reward. So, I'm not saying you have to
give them money or something. You could but that kind of confuses things. Praise
them for their application of the principle of honesty. That's their reward
for telling the truth. So, they do the hard thing now. They get an easier
outcome. And maybe you go a little lighter on the consequence for the
misbehavior too. Because they were honest about it. That making sense to you? My
last tip for today and how to deal with the lying is to create a family culture
around principle, around values. So that you make this part of what you talk
about as a family. In our family, we're honest. We tell the truth. Okay? That's an
example of a mantra or slogan that you might adopt. You might even choose to do
this for a week. Hey, this week is honesty week, everybody. Because in our family,
it's important to be honest. And then you have little activities or reminders
during the week about being honest. There's a lot of ways that you can do
this to build a family culture around honesty and other important principles
that are also important you as a parent. Make it part of who you
are and how you operate as a family. You've noticed them in my Nova
principle shirt today. I serve on the board of directors for Nova principles
Foundation. Which is the principle-based nonprofit organization that provides
principle-based education for kids. I get to help train police officers to go into
the schools and teach a principle-based education to these kids. Helping them to
illuminate their path to excellence. My gratitude to Nova principles for
sponsoring this episode of Live On Purpose TV. Would you please show your
gratitude as well by visiting Novaprinciples.com. There's a place there
where you can contribute and we'd be happy to answer your questions about how
to get this program into your community.