- All right, you guys. I'm excited to be here.
I'm celebrating. I just graduated from college.
[cheers and applause] Yeah.
Whoo. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you. Okay. All right.
You know, the best thing about that is, like,
I'm a man now, you know?
Yeah, like, I don't have to call my parents to ask them
for money, you know?
Yeah, 'cause now I live with them.
[cheers and applause]
So, like, I can just knock.
I'm like, "Dad, wake up. The pizza guy needs his tip."
You know? It's crazy. It's crazy.
But give it up for him. He dropped me off, you know?
Like, yeah. [cheers and applause]
Yeah. All right.
I wanted to do something special right here for y'all.
Here I go. [guitar plays]
All right, here we go. ♪ ♪
By the way, I'm not Chinese. I'm Filipino.
Thank you.
Yeah, just in case anybody here is racist.
Okay.
Some of you are like, "I thought he was Chinese this whole time."
But I love being Filipino. I saw this commercial--
when we moved here, I saw this commercial,
and I learned that, being Filipino,
that I can feed myself for only $0.63 a day.
♪ ♪
It's like, "What?"
♪ ♪
You know? Are you guys still paying full price?
[laughter]
That's crazy, dude.
Just say you're Filipino. Try it.
And--it's cool, man. I'm not a man's man.
I do a lot of musical comedy. I'm not a man's man.
My best friend, he's a man's man, you know?
By which, I mean he has a very possessive, gay husband.
[laughter]
Yeah.
And, you guys, I'm not gay, but, like, every time I see
a black guy with light eyes, like, I forget my own name.
[laughter]
Yeah. [laughs]
She's like, "Me too."
Oh, no, I see both of them up here.
I see both of them up here.
Why do you think I'm looking in the back?
♪ ♪
Trying to just keep it up here.
Keep strumming. ♪ ♪
I always forget my name. I'm like, "Yo, what's your name?"
He's like, "It's Chris. Like, what's yours?"
I'm like, "Um, Chris?"
"I don't know, man. Just blink.
You're making my knees weak."
♪ ♪
I was crossing the street.
I saw this black guy with light eyes,
and I did a little double-take.
I was like, "Oh, shoot."
♪ ♪
And he was with his girl,
and his girl saw me do a little double-take,
and she looked at me. She was like, "Excuse me."
I was like, "Bitch, I'm not looking at you."
[laughter]
You know?
Yeah. [laughs]
I'm working on a safe sex advice column
for Christian teenagers. Yeah. Yeah.
It's called, "Just the Tips."
[laughter]
♪ ♪
All right. All right, you guys.
That's just a bunch of jokes about myself,
but I got to relate as a performer to you guys.
And this is a true story about me coming to America.
My family and I, when we first moved here
we lived in a storage unit for two weeks.
- Wow. - Yeah, that's a true story.
That's what happened.
And I feel like that would have been, like,
the most awesome episode of "Storage Wars."
[laughter]
Like--Like they just open it up,
and there's a Filipino family inside.
On the outside, there's a dude with a trucker hat.
He's like, "I want that."
[laughter]
"I don't want those baseball cards.
I want that smooth-skinned family."
All right, thank you, guys, very much.
I'm JR De Guzman.