Hi, everybody.
So glad to be here, look at you guys.
I-- I'm really, really--
I'm probably the most excited person to be down here in this
shithole with you guys.
Because I've done a lot of shit not to be standing here today.
You know, I'm not trying to get all churchy and shit,
but I've done a lot of bad shit.
I've robbed a bank before, I've been to jail, I fucking had the
Vegas wedding, I got a husband,
a baby daddy, a boyfriend and a boo.
And I even--
You know, I even--
Like, my mother passed away and I got on crack,
but that's not really the embarrassing part.
The embarrassing part is that I didn't get the expected weight
loss that a bitch is supposed to get, you know,
when you're on that shit, they promised me.
Maybe I wasn't doing the shit right, like, maybe I wasn't
holding the smoke in long enough or maybe I wasn't letting the
pipe get hot enough, or I don't know.
You know, I remember when everybody didn't even have cell
phones.
I keep mine right here in my bosom.
You call it bosom when you're old.
Let me talk to you about texting.
Texting, I think, was invented for men by men, which I think is
hilarious, 'cause ten years ago, you couldn't get a man to take
a fucking typing class to save his life.
Why I'm taking fucking typing class?
It's gay.
Oh, but you can get your fucking big football mechanic fingers to
text all goddamn day and night, 'can't you?
All fucking day and night, you can text, text, text.
You know why, ladies?
'Cause men want to communicate with you,
but they don't want to fucking talk to you.
If a man can get you out your house, across town and in his
bed and never hear your fucking voice, that is a fucking
Christmas present every day for a fucking man.
See, look at these motherfuckers.
Ain't that a bitch?
Now, I'm gonna tell you--
Here's the real test.
Motherfucking texting back and forth, texting back and forth.
Texting the motherfucker back and say, "Call me."
Shit.
You be waiting for five hours
for that motherfucking phone call.
Oh, I dropped the phone.
Oh, I hurt my thumb.
Police was behind me.
My battery died.
And I don't know who signed me up for the dick-a-week club,
but this motherfucking sexting shit done got out of hand.
You know a motherfucker will text you a picture of their
fucking dick before they'll text you a picture of
their goddamn face?
And then you see they face and you see why they sent you
a picture of they dick.
But do you know that you can get catfished with a dick, ladies?
'Cause how come every dick come up in your phone's a beautiful
hard veiny cock? How come everybody--
Everybody just texting, everybody texting dicks
got a beautiful dick.
They dick is just beautiful.
Everybody? Really?
No.
No, it's not like that.
Men, you know, I'm not saying that I fuck motherfuckers off
Facebook, but what had happened was, this one time...
No, when this shit first came out, when it first came out.
When Facebook first came out, you know, I met this little
shorty, you know what I'm saying?
And you know, we met at a mutual-- mutual spot
and this motherfucker got naked and shit and we got in the bed
and I was looking at his dick and I was looking at the phone,
I was like, hey...
Where's the dick in this phone?
No, where's the mole?
There's a mole right there.
All right, thank you guys, thank you.
Thank you so much! Thank you.