♪♪
-Is this my camera?
[ Laughter ]
And we're starting?
Good evening. This is "Corrections"
for the week of February 21st.
Filling in for Seth Meyers, I'm Lewis Forsyth.
I'm [bleep] with you guys.
[ Laughter ]
It's me.
It was me the whole time. Whoa.
[ Laughter ]
I wish you could have seen your faces.
And then you could have told me what they looked like,
'cause I couldn't see them, either.
We had some fun with the mask.
But the mask isn't always fun.
The mask, which I wore at our last "Corrections,"
cost me my relationship...
with Pizza Hut.
We've obviously talked about this.
I was gifted the slogan "No one out-pizzas the Hut."
Which was a pretty big deal -- pretty excited about it.
But then I wore that mask, and the bigwigs --
the brass over at Pizza Hut...
decided that when I wore the mask,
I looked too much like the Noid.
[ Laughter ]
Which is a...
Which is a Domino's mascot.
And they called up pretty angry, and they said,
"That was the one thing...
we asked you to avoid."
[ Laughter ]
Buckle up.
Again, a lot of these corrections
are multiple corrections deep, at this point.
We called one piece of confetti a "confettum."
We were corrected by many of you that it was "confetto."
One piece of confetti is a confetto.
I said I was so impressed and remarked --
complimented, even -- the Jackals
for knowing their Latin so well.
Then one of you had the guts to come clean and say
you all knew that because it was in an episode
of "The Big Bang Theory."
And when you think people know something
because they know Latin...
and you find out it's because they watched "The Bang"...
It's a big difference, guys.
I myself have never watched "Big Bang Theory,"
so I didn't know that from that.
I don't know the inside jokes.
I don't know the catchphrases.
But I'm impressed that you learned a little Latin
from watching it.
Speaking of Latin, I took a risk last time out...
...and I got burned.
If there's any rule to "Corrections,"
it's don't try to say a word you're not sure of
in the body of "Corrections."
And I threw out...
"remunerations."
Pronounced it "renumerations."
And that was wrong.
I thought "num,"
'cause it sounded like "number,"
but a Jackal explained it comes from the Latin "munis,"
which means "gift, duty, or office."
Which seem like three different things.
Seems like "munis" shouldn't be in all three of those things.
As the host of this show, every Christmas,
I feel like it's my duty to get a gift for the whole office.
Or, in Latin, "munis munis munis."
Baze, you backed me up...
when I said "renumerations."
Also, people always say, "Is Baze short for --"
They ask if it's a nickname.
It is short -- for "Bazinga."
I have watched.
[ Laughter ]
I also joked that "Confetto" was the name
of the fifth Ninja Turtle who liked to party.
That opened a whole can of Jackals.
Michelangelo was the Turtle who liked to party.
And I said, "How could you possibly know that?"
And I was told that...
in the opening song...
there's the lyric "Michelangelo is a party dude."
I then watch. I wanted to back it up, right?
So I watched the opening credits
to the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" cartoon.
And I hate to be a Jackal...
to that, but I got some problems.
Some of the lyrical choices.
There's a line, "When the evil Shredder attacks,
these turtles boy --"
"These turtle boys don't cut him no slack."
Double negative, first off, right off the bat.
[ Laughter ]
"Don't cut him no slack"?
Well, that's an expression kids use.
There was a fifth Turtle.
There was a fifth Turtle -- a female Turtle.
There were two different ones -- Venus de Milo in the show,
Jennika -- hope I'm saying that, right -- in the comics.
So I apologize for that Turtle erasure.
I also talked about the masks.
Do you really think a turtle needs to wear a mask
to disguise their identity?
Many of you said, "Oh, no."
It was to tell the turtles apart.
But then someone else said, "Not originally, though."
Originally, they all wore red masks,
and it wasn't until they became popularized in the cartoons
that they switched the colors of the masks
because then that would make the toys...
easier to tell apart.
And, so, like the answer to most questions...
...that start with "why"...
the answer is capitalism.
Put that in there for you, Sal.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I talked about when we had a sloth on the show,
and I said -- and it was about
why we don't have animals on the show
and how the sloth was desperately trying
to make eye contact with me to show in its eyes
that it didn't want to be here.
And I said that as it turned -- as it slowly turned to face me,
I saw sweat running down its temple.
And I was told sloths don't sweat.
They don't sweat because that would attract predators,
and you don't need to know much about sloths
to know that the minute a predator knows where you are
as a sloth, game over.
[ Laughter ]
I was told the two-fingered sloth
sweats a tiny bit through their nose,
and that's how you can tell when they're lying.
And they know, so they will try to cover it.
So, like, a sloth would say, "Did I eat your Baby Ruth?"
[ Laughter ] "No."
Also, I did talk about the sloth,
and I said "he" a lot.
The sloth was not a "he." Somebody went back and watched.
It was a she, and her name was Serenity.
And this is interesting -- they named her that
because she was also a stripper.
[ Laughter ]
I guess more burlesque.
And I'm told if you want to go see her dance,
you gotta carve out some time.
It's a long routine.
It's a long -- I guess it's very alluring.
It's very coy.
But it takes --
Start to finish, it takes a while.
It's not --
It's very hard on the deejays, I've heard.
Because it's not a one-song situation.
It's, like, full albums.
"And now..." [ Laughter ]
"Here to perform to Bob Dylan's 'Blonde on Blonde...'"
"...give it up for Serenity."
I guess guys fall in love with her.
It happens.
I don't go to those kind of establishments,
but I hear that sometimes --
And then, I guess, you know -- I'll be in the champagne room,
or whatever it is they call them.
Again, these are all things I've gleaned from popular culture.
I've never been...
And guys will say, like, "Serenity, do you love me
as much as I love you?"
And she'll say, "Um..."
[ Laughter ]
This is a self-correction.
Nobody called this out. I'm calling this out on myself.
So, we had Billie Eilish on the show last night.
Wonderful, wonderful person.
Wonderful family.
And there are certain guests --
It doesn't happen often on this show.
There are certain guests
that change the demographic of our audience.
And she has a very fervent, very lovely fan base.
And you got the sense, as I walked out last night,
this is younger.
A younger audience than we're accustomed to.
It did not make any part of the show less enjoyable for me.
If anything, it was more enjoyable
to have their energy in the house.
But what I'm correcting myself is, I knew she was here.
It's not like I find out when the show starts
that Billie Eilish is here.
And yet, I personally inserted
a "Welcome Back, Kotter" joke into "A Closer Look."
Which then, you know...
played the way you would think it would
in a room full of Billie Eilish fans.
But then I got a note...
...from a Jackal that said...
I hope you don't mind.
"Dear Seth, even though your 'Welcome Back, Kotter' joke
didn't get an in-studio reaction last night, I want you to know
I laughed very hard at home.
This came at the end of a very hard day for me.
I want to say thank you,
and keep doing the jokes you believe in.
Signed, Epstein's mother."
[ Laughter ]
Some quick hits. I said "guidance counselor."
I was told by someone who has the job now they provide --
they prefer, excuse me, the term "school counselor,"
as they provide a great deal more than guidance these days.
E.R.'s. I think we say "E.R." a lot.
I guess they're now more commonly known as E.D.'s,
as they are rarely emergency rooms,
but rather entire emergency departments,
which is only a problem when you go for a Viagra overdose.
[ Laughter ]
"What brings you to the E.D.?" "E.D."
[ Laughter ]
"That's what I said." "That's why I'm here."
It's a real "Who's on First" situation.
[ Laughter ]
[As Abbott and Costello] "Why you in the E.D.?" "E.D.!"
"Why is it so hard?!"
"That's what I wanna ask the doctor!"
[ Laughter ]
I referred to "my wife's niece," Becky.
A lot of you said she would also be my niece.
Nope.
Not my blood. Not my problem.
[ Laughter ]
Go with God, Becky.
I did my Pacino impression the other night.
Yesterday. Did a line --
Did a line from "And Justice for All,"
and someone pointed out the problem was
that's a '70s movie
and you did "Scent of a Woman" Pacino.
And that was the only problem.
That and a room full of Billie Eilish fans.
Billie Eilish fans don't get Pacino,
and I'm sure he doesn't get them.
[as Al Pacino] "Billie Eilish?!
The ballet kid?!"
[ Laughter ]
Hey, not everybody loves "Corrections,"
and I don't want to just sit here and, you know,
make this a celebration each week.
Someone said in the comments that these "boomer rants"
are so long and boring.
I'm sorry to inform you, bro. I'm Gen X.
I'm Gen X.
You want to talk to a boomer? Call up my dad.
You want a boomer rant?
He'll happily give you an earful
about how "Corrections" are long and boring.
[ Laughter ]
Someone else wrote -- And this one was even more hurtful
because the first one I feel like maybe
never loved "Corrections."
Someone said, "These are starting to stink.
Maybe rehearse."
Uh, rehearse?
[ Laughter ]
You want me to put the crew through this twice?
[ Laughter ]
This is already so close to an H.R. violation.
We've talked about how we have an anniversary show,
"A Year of Corrections," coming up.
No progress has been made. Lower those expectations.
I would like to have merch available by then.
I just don't know who to talk to.
I don't know who here is in charge of that.
I asked Paul, and he told me to [bleep] off.
[ Laughter ]
True story.
Tonight is the eighth anniversary of "Late Night."
And it's a little bittersweet because Shoemaker --
You might have heard the absence
of one of our "Corrections" laughers.
Shoemaker is not here
because during our Olympics hiatus,
he slipped on the ice outside his house,
and he fell and he broke his leg.
And he's doing fine. He'll be back soon.
But this place very much does not feel
like the home that it has become over the last eight years
without Shoemaker here.
His wife was the one who called me, and I said,
"How did it happen? How did he slip on the ice?"
And she said,
"We were watching Olympic bobsledding,
and he just looked at me and said,
'These bobsledders think they're hot [bleep].'"
And I was like, "Oh, no.
Did he try to bobsled down your driveway?"
And she was like, "Yeah. He, like --
was, like, walking out. He didn't even make it.
He was, like, walking out to the garage.
He's like, 'Where's my old toboggan?!' Whoa!'"
[ Laughter ]
So I called him.
I called him in the hospital, 'cause he had surgery.
And I called him to check on him.
And he was in --
I was expecting him to be sad, but he was in a great mood.
And I said, "I'm glad you're doing okay."
And he said, "Okay? Okay?!
I'm about to be rolling in it!"
And often -- the way I often am when I talk to him --
I was so confused by that, and I said,
"Why?" What do you mean you're gonna be rolling in it? Why?"
And he goes, "You know how much you make
in a slip-and-fall settlement?"
I said, "Yeah, but it happened at your house."
And he said, "What of it?"
I go, "Who are you gonna sue?"
And then it was just really quiet
for like a really long time,
and I knew he was still on the phone because he has this way
he breathes when he's real angry.
And then I said, "Are you still there?"
And he goes, "[Bleep] bobsledders."
[ Laughter ]
Making people think they can do things they can't do!"
But he's right.
We miss him, and he wouldn't have done it
if it wasn't for those bobsledders.
And he can't take his vengeance right now because he's laid up.
But I know someone who can. [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
This has been a "Corrections Look."