So what does plumbing have to do with dealing with a control freak? I think we
can answer that today.
Control freaks. Okay, let's be honest as we get started
on how to deal with a control freak. Is it you? Sorry, I know I tick people off
all the time when I illuminate things to them that they didn't want to see but
honestly, as we talk about this topic, just check and see how much of this is
is riding on you. Is it you that wants the control? I say that because a lot of
times the things that annoy us the most about other people, are things that maybe
we could be working on ourselves. So I'm opening up with that disclaimer and I
know we're going to have ten people unsubscribed because of that but just be
honest with yourself, okay. Because if there's some element of control
freakishness inside of you that has you asking the question in the first place
then looking at that is going to serve you very well. Now having said that, let's
talk about some ways to deal with all of those control freaks out there cause we
know that they're all worse than us, right? Here's my thought.. Control, first of
all, why do people want control? Control is basically synonymous with freedom. We
all want control over our own lives, right? We want to be able to choose and
direct our life. What gets tricky about control is everybody else that has their
freedom and they're exercising it in a way that may impinge or restrict
our own control, right? Okay, so that's where control battles come into play. I
have to tell you about an experience I had several years ago. I was doing a
home-improvement project in my house that required some plumbing. Now I'm a
psychologist, I'm not a plumber. They both start with P but that's kind of where
the similarities end. I thought until I got into this project
and as I was trying to figure out how to how to accomplish this little plumbing
thing that I need to do, it wasn't huge or major, I'm going to call it professional for
those things but a little project that I needed some help with. So I called up
my dad. My dad knows everything, like most dads and as a gave dad a
call, his experience included some plumbing and he had enough wisdom that
he could counsel with me and he said, "Paul, there's really only two things you
need to know about plumbing. There are two basic rules to plumbing." "Oh, I'm
interested. Tell me, enlighten me." He says, "Okay, rule number
one, water runs downhill." Okay, awesome. Kind of already knew that
but it's good to remember that if you're installing a drain pipe. Water runs
downhill. Got it, dad. What's the second rule? Rule number two, don't lick your
fingers. Okay, I laughed. He was kind of being funny but
that's a good rule. If you've ever installed a toilet, you know what we're
talking about here. Water runs downhill, don't lick your fingers. As long as you
know those two things, you can handle this basic plumbing job. Well because I'm
a psychologist, I have to apply everything to psychology so I'm looking
at these rules of plumbing and I'm realizing you know what that has
everything to do with dealing with a control freak. Why? Because there's two
rules to psychology, alright. Rule number one, this is the water runs
downhill rule, rule number one, some things you control, other things you
don't. Got it? That seems so obvious, it's just like
gravity, you never get up in the morning and think, I wonder if gravity's on today.
It always is and it always affects you in the same way, some things you
control, other things you don't. Whether you believe that or not is irrelevant.
It's true. Rule number two, this is the don't lick your fingers rule. Pay
attention to the things that you do control, alright. That's all you need to
know. Some things you control, other things you don't. Pay attention to the
things that you do and be wise enough to know the difference.
I meet with parents a lot and I want to give you an example from parenting
because as parents come to my office and talk about the things that are bothering
them, they usually make a whole list of things that they don't control like
their kids behaviors. Do you control that as a parent? No but that's
what you're concerned about, right? My kids' grades, my kids' choice of friends, my
kids' choice of activities, whether my kid is using substances or not, whether my
kid is suicidal or not, what kind of music my kids listen to. Do you see how
all of these things are controlled by the kid, not the parent? Well, what's on
the parent's list? What is a parent control about their kids' life? This is
where a lot of parents are like, "Oh, I got nothing." You got something. Be clear about
what it is that you control. What do you control? Okay, well let's make a little
list cause usually parents in my office at this point are a little flustered,
they're like, "I don't know." You control your own attitude and behavior. True? Yes,
you do. You control your own language, you control your own life, okay, and by now,
parents are like "Yeah yeah yeah" but what does that have to do with my
kid? Well it has everything to do with it because how you show up is going to
determine your level of influence but not only that, it controls your
experience in life. You want to have a better life? Get focused on your own list.
Now here's where it interacts with your child's list really nicely. You control
as a parent, now I'm talking parenting but keep in your mind what does this
have to do with a control freak that I'm working with on the board or at the
office or in the community, okay. Just keep that in the back of your mind for a
minute. You control what you provide. Now that is HUGE okay. In the kids example,
it's especially obvious. You provide goods and services and access to all
kinds of things, you control things that you do for them, right? You control all of
that, they don't. Now what are your kids worried about? Are they worried about all
the stuff on their list? No, they're worried about the stuff on
your list. That's good news and it ties into the three rules that I'm
give you next for a control battle because when we're dealing with a
control freak, we often find ourselves in a control battle, right? So three rules
for you, here we go. Rule number one, avoid them, not your kids, not your boss, not
that control freak. I mean avoid the power struggles, don't get into them if
you don't have to. Make sure as you look at that hill that you're willing to die
on that hill before you march up it. Pick your battles wisely okay and avoid those
control battles if you can. That's rule number one.
Rule number two, if you can't avoid them, win them. You like that rule? Yeah, I want
you to win. Incidentally, I tell teenagers the same thing here in my office. I tell
them avoid the control battles with your parents but if you can't avoid them you
win them. By now, the parents are like, "Dude, we're the ones that are paying you."
But I'm giving them this same advice. Avoid the control battles, if you can't
avoid them, win them. How do you do that? Rule number three, you pick the issues
and you do this by selecting something from your own list. Do not get into a
control battle with a control freak or anyone else over something that's on
their list. Why? Because you can't keep rule number two, you will not win that
battle if you don't control it. So you always pick something from your own list
and that way, you can ensure that you're going to win that control battle. Okay so,
you want an example? Let's stay with the parenting thing because that
honestly, that's where most of the control battles happen in my
experience and I got a lot of experience with that too because I've worked
clinically with families for so long so let's use that parenting example but
please keep the mind open for how this might apply in other settings and with
other people okay because the principles are consistent. Let's go back to a
teenager for example and let's say that mom and dad are concerned about the kids'
grades for example. Whose list is that on? Kids. Parents don't control that. I had
one mom say, "Oh, well so am I just supposed to let him fail?"
What do you mean let him? As if you have that power. Mom and dad are concerned
about the grades, what's the kid concerned about? Apparently not the
grades or at least he's kind of happy with where they are or if he's not, he's
not doing anything about it but he's the only one who can control that. Are we on
the same page with that so far? What is the kid concerned about? Well
let's pick something from mom and dad's list that they control, okay.
Do you remember when I gave you the little heads up to what we provide?
That's something we always control. Oh, and by the way, with your kids, I've got
to throw this in because ethically, I kind of need to do this. There are five
freebies, there are five things that your kids are entitled to because they're
your kids, not 50 things like they think, five. Number one is love. Don't mess with
it, you love your kids no matter what and even if. We're good with that?
Number two, air. I know, you don't provide air to them but you have no business
depriving them of it and it's sad that I have to even mention this but I had a
client who did about seven years at the point of the mountain in our prison
because her daughter died, you gotta have air, okay. You have no business depriving
them of that, air is a freebie. Are we clear?
Number three, water. Freebie for food and I don't mean preferred food, I mean
sustained life, I mean, keep the bellybutton away from the backbone.
You can't take food away from your kids. What kind of food you provide to them?
That's another conversation we could have. Number five, shelter and in our
society, that includes appropriate clothing. Notice that shelter doesn't
always mean a luxurious bedroom that's private to them, that's not required but
shelter is, okay. So we can have a lot of latitude outside of that. Five freebies,
don't get a mess with those, everything else, negotiable. You're with me? In this
transaction with the child, rather than getting into a control battle about the
grades, what should the parents focus on? What
they control, right? What they provide. Are they providing anything outside of those
five freebies that this kid might be interested
in maintaining? Oh yeah, telecommunications came to mind
immediately for this particular family because this kid had a cellphone. A lot
of kids that age do but they can't afford it themselves, who's providing it?
The parents. Do they have to? It's not on the list of five. So instead of getting
into a control battle over the grades, mom and dad are going to pick their issues
and they're going to get into a control battle over whether or not they provide
the cellphone? You follow? Now it's just a transaction and it's all business. Little
heads up, take the emotion out of the discipline and get it all focused on a
business transaction, put the emotion into your relationship because your job
is to love your kids no matter what and even if. Interesting little side note,
that's probably your job with people at work and in the community too. How does
this play out? What what if you're the teenager? What if you're the teenager
you're watching this video and you're like, "Dr. Paul, man, you're making my life
harder." No, not at all. You want something on your parents list? Control something
on your list and make a deal okay. You get on your grades because what if the
parents come up and say, "Hey you know what, we're not going to fight you over the
grades, you keep your grades above a B average, we provide cell phone coverage,
any questions?" Really? Can it be that simple?
Well maybe it is and then everybody's focusing on their own thing. You see how
that works? So remember, avoid them, if you can't avoid them, win them and you do
that by picking the issues and pick something that's on your list every time.
How to deal with the control freak? Hopefully that gives you some good
practical ways to approach this without one that you're dealing with.
If you're new here, be sure to subscribe right there and I'll see you tomorrow.