hello i'm dharam again today's question
asks if i would discuss pathological
envy sometimes referred to as
narcissistic envy now if you like this
video if you find it helpful please
consider subscribing to my channel but
just as a reminder this video is not a
substitute for support from a mental
health professional nor is it a tool to
be used to diagnose someone
my envy is often confused with jealousy
but they are different jealousy is
something we feel whenever we fear we
may lose someone or something to
somebody else
envy is what we feel when we see
somebody with something we don't have
something that we desire we may see
someone who is perhaps more accomplished
or competent than we are and there can
be a healthy level of envy envy can
inspire us we may see someone who's
successful so we might want to hang out
with them we might want to learn from
them get some advice or guidance
envy is not so healthy when it becomes
that green eyed monster pouring scorn
and ridicule on others for their
achievements and when it's pathological
it can be quite painful and destructive
not just for the envious person but for
those that they envy as well with
pathological envy what we can often see
is a toxic reaction to some perceived
lack
uh those on the receiving end can often
be condemned ridiculed hated for
possessing what that person feels they
don't have something they lack something
they desire or perhaps something they
feel entitled to
if the envy goes unchecked it can lead
to things like ruthlessness unhealthy
competition devaluing and relentless
one-upmanship it can become venomous it
can become vindictive the object of the
envy is often hated and dehumanized and
there are different kinds of envy there
can be an envy over possessions
personal qualities there can be envy
around feeling excluded or unable to
join a social group and
quite often with narcissism there can be
a bitterness and an envy over not being
able to dominate that social group now
according to dsm-5
one of the diagnostic criteria of
narcissistic personality disorder is
being envious of others or having the
belief that others envy them and there
are different kinds of narcissism it's
it's not a one size fits all there's
many different shades many different
colors in between i often think of it as
a spectrum but with grandiose narcissism
what we see is a need for some kind of
superiority so there may be ridicule and
scorn over other people's
accomplishments their skill set their
knowledge there can even be rage if
someone does achieve something or even
just feels good about themselves people
with grandiose narcissistic traits tend
to have an over-inflated view of
themselves and and can feel threatened
by others and experience a lot of
resentment towards those that they feel
don't envy them or have something that
they don't when they feel that way they
tend to retaliate so they may gas like
they may slander brag ridicule
day value or as i said a moment ago fly
into a rage now an example of this would
be i remember a place i worked in many
years ago there was a guy who just
mentioned that he was looking forward to
moving house on friday
in less than a minute one of the women
in the office flew into an absolute
ridge a real temper tantrum you know
shouting at him slandering him having a
go at him telling him he wasn't doing
this properly he wasn't doing that
properly and telling him if he didn't
book his ideas up he could forget that
new house
with vulnerable narcissism what we often
see is people believing that others are
better than them and feeling inferior
and feeling inadequate but believing
that it's very unjust like whatever it
is they envy is always out of reach to
them it's always beyond their means they
may even sabotage themselves sabotage
those closest to them to keep it out of
their reach they can
more often than not they will make
others feel bad
about feeling good try to guilt-trip
them now an example of vulnerable
narcissistic envy would be a friend of
mine that went on a first date with
someone like he'd been sharing a house
with his friend and while he was on that
date his friend kept texting him to tell
him how bored he was how lonely he was
stuck in the house by himself and
and saying i suppose this is our
friendship now over now that you find
someone new
when he got back from the date that
friend presented him with a lot of stuff
it's like he'd spent the evening
trolling through facebook and twitter
trying to find things about that girly
with he went on the date with things he
could present as evidence that she was
bad and unbeatable
with vulnerable narcissism i think what
we see is
there is no will to improve themselves
that they would rather stay in a state
of strain and inadequacy and they want
others to be in that state as well
either that or to feel guilty about not
feeling bad like them now with different
kinds of narcissism it may manifest
itself differently
but the recurring themes the common
themes we see is hostility and
resentment towards others we see offense
being taken at other people's happiness
or achievement often regardless of their
own achievements there is also shame and
depression whenever they're not socially
dominant
and
that lack of insight
prevents self-improvement now
i often think with narcissism it's
almost like all or nothing thinking it's
not just that they have to do well they
have to do better than everyone else
it's not just that they have to feel
good they have to feel better than
everyone else
when they don't this brings up intense
envy
now
some of the common effects
on someone who's maybe experienced the
the wrong end of narcissism and
pathological envy
often what we see is them ending up
hiding their achievements they feel
guilt over feeling good about anything
they they can feel a sense of shame and
play down their own accomplishments they
can
even come to believe that their own
talents their own gifts are a threat and
that maybe they are responsible for that
envious person's feelings of resentment
their their inadequacy and their bile
there can be a constant fear of being
sabotaged for example children who grew
up with the narcissistic parents
they may have recognized their parents
getting vicarious glory and regard and
praise through their good behavior and
their achievements but behind closed
doors the envy was still there they were
very quickly devalued and criticized
when there was no one else around
the relationships with potential
partners may have often have been
sabotaged again that narcissistic envy
you know the parent knowing that their
own relationship was unhealthy toxic
disastrous it was filled but taking no
responsibility for their part in it now
as those kids begin to grow
they may begin to succeed in different
areas and the narcissistic parent may
take credit for that success but still
maybe trying to devalue or sabotage it
somehow or maybe make the kids feel
guilt and shame for succeeding in a
working relationship there may be scorn
criticism over their colleagues efforts
their work ethic any praise they might
get they may try and take that for
themselves
in a relationship with a partner now in
the early days in particular there may
well have been pride support but as time
goes on among other things what they'll
experience is ridicule contempt
emotional outrage or maybe just no
acknowledgement at all anything the
partner does or achieves is just ignored
it's like it doesn't matter now
even if they do try to bring something
up or say look i'm feeling quite good
about this the narcissistic partner can
often lead them to believe there's
something wrong with them for having any
sense of pride or joy they're very quick
to try and steal that thunder order clip
their wings or to kick the chair out
from under them whatever phrase you want
to use so what's going on with
pathological envy well
what we see is a very poor unhealthy
level of self-esteem now
with narcissism regardless of
haughtiness arrogant behavior and so
when we see someone who
who feels worthless unlovable while at
the same time believing that they are
unique and special and entitled
anything that takes that feeling of
being special being the alpha takes that
away leads to feelings of worthlessness
and and what we see is often an
unconscious effort to manage the
psychological the emotional injuries
these injuries were quite often
inflicted on them whenever they were
younger the traumatic patterns that were
inflicted on them are now being
inflicted on others so
we will see different things but as
opposed to two extremes they will either
project their own deep-rooted feelings
of inferiority onto their target or
they will subject themselves to
different kinds of degradation over
feeling inadequate now someone with a
good healthy level of self-esteem can
envy others but like i said earlier they
may feel inspired they they can feel
quite good for that person even
celebrate their success with them
they may be envied themselves and they
feel flattered but they're able to share
in their success with others they can
bring out the best in others without
feeling threatened sadly with narcissism
when it comes to pathological envy
unless they realize how destructive they
are not just to others but towards
themselves as well
maybe seek out some kind of help and
support
they're just going to end up living in a
constant state of shame bitterness and
resentment so that's a brief outline of
pathological envy there is so much more
i can add in going into the deeper into
the pathology of it and maybe i'll do
that in the future video
but the meantime if there's anything
i've missed if anything you want to add
please feel free to use the comment box
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