LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS A TWO-TIME ACADEMY
AWARD WINNER YOU KNOW FROM "SENSE AND SENSIBILITY," "LOVE
ACTUALLY," AND "HOWARD'S END."
PLEASE WELCOME, DAME EMMA THOMPSON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WOOO!
OH!
>> Stephen: DELIGHTFUL.
DELIGHTFUL.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.
>> THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, SO, TAXI.
I'M EXHAUSTED NOW!
I'M EXHAUSTED!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.
>> I'M SO GLAD AND HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, AN INTERESTING THING HAS HAPPENED
SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE.
YOU HAVE BIG NEWS IN YOUR LIFE.
YOU CAN VEHICLE A DAME FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DON'T KNOW.
EXPLAIN WHAT A "DAME" IS?
>> WELL, I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
( LAUGHTER )
I THOUGHT MAYBE.
WHEN IT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE TREATED DIFFERENTLY IN
SOME WAY-- I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I HAD ALL THE CHAIRS IN MY HOUSE
RAISED SLIGHTLY, THE ONES I SIT IN OBVIOUSLY GLERCH ELSE'S--
>> NOT TOO HIGH.
SO PEOPLE ARE SLIGHTLY-- "IS SHE-- IS SHE HIGHER?"
BUT NOT SURE.
TINY BIT SORT OF CONFUSED.
I THOUGHT I WOULD BE GREETED BY PLEAS MEN IN THE STREET.
I THOUGHT I WOULD BE ABLE TO WALK MY SHEEP OVER THE LONDON
BRIDGE.
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE THE SAME.
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M SO SORRY.
>> YES, WHAT I CAN TELL YOU?
>> Stephen: HERE IS THE MOMENT YOURSELF.
HERE IS YOU, RECEIVING YOUR DAMEHOOD, RIGHT THERE, WITH
PRINCE WILLIAM.
>> SHE'S VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: VERY NICE FELLA?
>> SUCH A NICE BOY.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW HIM ALREADY BEFORE THIS MOMENT?
>> I DID KNOW HIM ALREADY, YES, I DID.
BECAUSE I KNOW HIS DAD QUITE WELL.
AND HE'S LOVELY.
BUT I HAD ONLY SEEN HIM WHEN HE WAS QUITE A TALL BABY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: "TALL BABY.
TALL BABY."
>> A VERY TALL BABY.
AND HE WAS JUST SO DELIGHTFUL.
AND NOW, OF COURSE, GROWN UP WITH CHILDREN EVERYTHING AND.
>> Stephen: AND HAS BABIES OF HIS OWN.
>> I RUSHED TO HIM AND SAID, "DARLING, CAN I KISS YOU?"
AND HE SAID, "NO, NO, YOU CAN'T KISS ME."
I KISSED HIM LATER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
I ALSO NOTICED IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH YOU'RE WEARING--
>> SNEAKERS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WEARING ATHLETIC SHOES.
>> THEY'RE POSH SNEAKERS.
EVERYBODY GAVE ME A LOT OF TBRUBL THAT.
BUT I THINK THEY LOOK NICE.
>> Stephen: THEY DO.
SO YOU CAN GET AWAY QUICKLY IN CASE THERE'S A SWORD.
IS THERE A SWORD INVOLVED?
>> NO, AND IT'S NOT FAIR.
MY HUSBAND IS VERY CROSS.
IF YOU ARE GIVEN A KNIGHTHOOD, THE WIFE BECOMES LADY SO-AND-SO.
AND THE HUSBAND GETS NOTHING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE DAME.
>> I'M DAME AND HE'S PLAY OLD GREG MEH.
AND HE'S NOT PLEASED.
>> Stephen: SURE, I CAN SEE.
>> PLUS, I WEAR THE BADGE IN BED.
AND IT'S SHARP.
IT'S SHARP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
VERY POINTY.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> POINTY.
>> Stephen: SURE.
YOU HAVE A BADGE?
>> IT'S A BIG BADGE.
IT'S A BADGE, A DOUBLE BADGE.
>> Stephen: IF YOU GET PULLED OVER, YOU CAN PLABFLASH IT TO
THE COP AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME, DAME."
>> OH OR YOU CAN FLASH IT AND TA HIS EYE OUT.
>> Stephen: YOU WANTED TO WALK YOUR SHEEP OVER LONDON BRIDGE.
I KNOW YOU SPEND A FAIR AMOUNT OF TIME IN SCOTLAND.
DO YOU HAVE SHEEP?
>> ACTUALLY, THIS IS QUITE A GOOD STORY.
DO I MIND IF I TELL YOU A STORY?
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE A GOOD STORY.
>> ABOUT SCOTLAND.
MY DAUGHTER BFS EIGHT.
SO THE SHEEP WERE IN THE FIELD, AND AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FIELD
THERE'S A LITTLE PLACE WHERE I GO TO WASH.
I WASH IN THE RIVER.
AND OFTEN, IF THE WEATHER IS NICE, I WILL WASH NAKED.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE INDOOR PLUMBING, RIGHT?
>> MORE OR LESS, MORE OR LESS, YES.
SO I WALKED DOWN WITH THE TOWEL, HAD A WASH AND WALKED BACK UP
AND THAT'S WHAT I DID-- NAKED.
TAWZBECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE AROUND EXCEPT THE SHEEP.
OBVIOUSLY, THEY ARE APPALLED, APPALLED.
THERE'S A LOT OF RUSHING, "SHE'S COMING.
SHE'S COMING."
THEY'RE JUST APPALLED.
>> Stephen: SOMEONE JUST SHEERED HER.
>> SHEER HER, SHEER HER.
DO SOMETHING!
HE'S COMING UP THE FIELD BUY.
BAAAA"P" IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, IT'S ABOUT 10:00, MY
DAUGHTER AND I-- SHE'S ABOUT EIGHT.
FOR SOME REASON WE WERE ALONE IN THE HOUSE, BANGING ON THE DOOR,
REALLY BIG BANGING, KIND OF HALLOWEEN STYLE.
AND I CAME DOWNSTAIRS AND THERE'S A MASSIVE, A VERY
GOOD-LOOKING POLICEMAN STANDING OUTSIDE OUR PORCH, WHICH IS
WEIRD BECAUSE OUR PLACE IS WAY IN THE WILDS.
AND I OPENED THE DOOR.
AND HE SAYS, "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, MRS. THOMPSON,
BUT WE'VE HAD A REPORT THAT YOU HAD AN INTRUDER ON YOUR PROPERTY
TODAY."
AND I SAID, "AN INTRUDER?" I IMMEDIATELY TURNED INTO JAMIE
LEE CURTIS, IMMEDIATELY.
AND I REACH FOR THE NEAREST WEAPON.
I HID MY DAUGHTER IN THE CUPBOARD.
I SAID, "WHAT KIND OF INTRUDER?" AND HE SAID, "WELL, SHE SAID IT
WAS A NAKED MAN, ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD."
( LAUGHTER )
POLICEMAN, AND I THOUGHT YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH MY MIND WAS FROM A DISTANCE, MY BOOBS
HAVE DROPPED SO FAR THEY READ AS TESTICLES.
( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR ITTHA THAT RIFF.
BOOBS, TESTICLES, RIFF.
DA-DA-DA!
BAD, BAD, REALLY BAD, LIKE MINOR CHORD.
I'VE NEVER RECOVERED.
I KEEP TRYING TO FIND THAT POLICEMAN.
HE WAS GORGEOUS.
AND THEN HE SAID TO ME, "IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M SO SORRY.
SHE DOESN'T SEE VERY WELL."
MY DAUGHTER SAID, "MOM, THAT'S ABOUT THE TIME YOU CAME BACK
FROM--" "SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!" THE SHEEP WERE ALL OUT THERE AT THAT POINT GOING,
"IT WAS HER!
IT WAS HER."
THEY HAVE NO LOYALTY.
>> Stephen: NOW YOU HAVE A NEW FILM WITH MINDY KALING.
>> YESTERDAY, THE WONDERFUL MINDY KALING.
>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED "LATE NIGHT," AND YOU PLAY KATHERINE
NEWBURY, WHO IS THE HOST OF A SHOWED CALLED "TONIGHT," IN THE
UNITED STATES.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
YOU'RE IN THE WRITER'S ROOM.
YOU CAN TELL WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS CLIP?
WHY ARE YOU IN WITH THE WRITERS?
>> BECAUSE SHE'S LOST HER MOAJO, REALLY.
AND SHE NEEDS TO MAKE THE SHOW BETTER BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN
THREATENED WITH IT BEING CUT, AND SHE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT.
IT'S HER ONLY THING.
>> Stephen: SHE'S THE MAINSTAY OF LATE NIGHT.
SHE'S BEEN THERE 20 YEARS.
>> YES, SO IT'S BASICALLY SCIENCE FICTION.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT IN.
SNEAKY.
SNEAKY LITTLE POLITICAL REMARK THERE FROM DAME THOMPSON.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T NEED POLITICS IN LATE NIGHT.
>> OH, NO, WE REALLY DON'T.
GOOD GRIEF.
ANYWAY, SO SHE'S COME INTO THE WRITERS' ROOM TO TALK TO THEM
AND GIVE THEM A ROW AND SAY, "YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS
BETTER."
>> Stephen: JAMES.
>> IF I MAY, I JUST WANT TO SAY, IT IS SUCH AN HONOR TO MEET YOU,
MISS NEW BER.
I'M CHRIS REYNOLDS.
>> WHEN MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED--
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF YOU ARE.
I DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF THEM ARE.
>> OH, WELL TOM.
I'M-- I'M TOM.
I WRITE THE MONOLOGUE.
I'M ACTUALLY THE YOUNGEST MONOLOGUE WRITER IN THE HISTORY
OF THE SHOW.
>> I DON'T CARE.
>> OKAY.
>> DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT GOING TO REMEMBER ANY OF THIS.
HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.
YOU'RE ONE, TWO, THREE.
FOUR.
>> HI, CATHERINE.
>> OH, THANK GOD.
HOW IS YOUR BABY?
>> SHE'S 27.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: TRUE.
ALL OF IT.
TRUE TO LIFE.
( APPLAUSE )
TRUE TO LIFE.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.
>> A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: FROM SEEING THIS, DID IT MAKE YOU WANT TO HOST A
LATE-NIGHT SHOW?
DOES IT APPEAL TO YOU ATALLY.
>> HAVING DONE "S.N.L."
RECENTLY--
DID YOU SEE IT?
IT'S IRRELEVANT TO THIS INTERVIEW, BUT THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
BUT IT WAS SO INTERESTING WATCHING THE WRITERS, THAT
PROCESS OF THEM WRITING AND THINKING AND CREATING ALL NIGHT.
AND YOU JUST THINK THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE YOU
THINK ABOUT LAUGHING.
MARK TWAIN, RIGHT, YOU KNOW THAT BIT?
>> Stephen: I'M FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORK.
>> THERE'S A CHARACTER-- AND I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THE WORK
IS-- BUT IT'S SATAN AND HE'S TALKING TO HUMAN BEINGS AND HE'S
SAYS, "YOU KNOW, YOU PEOPLE, YOU'RE A BIS PATHET.
>> BUT YOU DO HAVE ONE POWERFUL WEAPON, AND THAT IS LAUGHTER.
BECAUSE YOU CAN PUSH AT HUMBUG AND IDIOCY AND POWER WITH WORDS
WSUPPLICATION, WITH PERSUASION, BUT ONLY"-- THIS IS WHAT HE
SAYS.
I LOVE THIS.
"ONLY LAUGHTER WILL BLOW IT TO RAGS AND ATOMS AT A BLAST
AGAINST THE ASSAULT OF LAUGHTER, NOTHING CAN STAND."
WHICH, OF COURSE, IS UNTRUE, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TRUMP, AND WE
LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT IT'S A NICE THOUGHT.
>> YOU TRY.
IT'S A NICE THOUGHT.
>> Stephen: "LATE NIGHT" IS IN THEATERS JUNE 7.
EMMA THOMPSON, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK