-Well, here's what people are talking about.
Today was the big Alabama Senate election,
and as promised, Roy Moore rode his horse to the polls.
[ Laughter ]
It got weird when people said, "Can we vote for the horse?"
And they go, "No, no, he's riding the horse."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
So he rode the horse in.
And get this -- the horse that Moore rode was named Sassy.
[ Laughter ]
What doesn't say "I'm innocent" like a 70-year-old man
riding a horse name Sassy?
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
"You girls wanna see a horse? You wanna meet Sassy?"
[ Laughter ]
Everybody's talking about this.
Last night, Roy Moore's wife tried to defend him
against bigotry claims by saying,
"One of our attorneys is a Jew."
[ Audience groans ]
So, happy first night of Hanukkah, everyone, eh?
Isn't that great? Happy Hanukkah!
Isn't that great? Wow.
Another speaker told a story
about how Moore once left a brothel
because he thought the girls looked too young.
[ Audience groans, laughter ]
You know things are bad when even the good stories about you
involve prostitution.
It's like, "I would never!
I have standards!"
[ Laughter ]
-Indeed! -"No w-a-a-ay!"
[ Laughter ]
"Come on, Sassy, let's go!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Off to the American Girl doll store."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ew. -Oh-ho!
-Listen to this, guys.
I read that Vladimir Putin gets daily reports of Trump's tweets.
[ Laughter ]
Every day, Putin reads them and goes,
"My God. What have I done?"
What have I -- Oh, my goodness."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Speaking of tweets, trump got in a twitter fight
with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand
over his sexual assault allegations.
Yeah, just this week, he insulted a senator,
endorsed Roy Moore, and called 20 women liars.
It's like he saw his approval rating was 32
and said, "I bet I can get it under 30 by the weekend.
Just give me a -- Give me a tweet!
Give me something to tweet on!
Come on, Sassy! Come here, girl!"
[ Laughter ]
-[ Whinnies ] [ Laughter ]
-Taught the horse to tweet.
[ Laughter ]
Check this out -- "Star Wars: The Last Jedi"
is expected to make over $425 million by Sunday.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You can tell they're making a lot of money,
'cause today, Yoda endorsed the Republican tax plan.
-Really? -Yeah. "It's great."
[ Laughter and applause ]
This is kind of crazy.
I read that people are actually taking out mortgages
to buy Bitcoin... [ Light laughter ]
...because they think it's such a solid investment.
Then they put on their Sketcher Shape-Ups
and went out to buy some Dippin' Dots.
[ Laughter and applause ] Yeah.
"The pounds are melting off!
Pounds are melting off.
Hold on a second. The Dots are great.
No one can even tell I'm wearing these."
[ Laughter ] "I'm losing so much weight.
You don't even know who this is? It's me.
I just lost a lot of weight." [ Laughter ]
No, you didn't, that's a scam. All right.
Oh, finally, this made me laugh.
Did you see this "Jeopardy!" contestant?
-Yeah.
-A "Jeopardy!" contestant last night
was very, very aggressive when it came
to using his clicker to buzz in.
You won't even -- He's the guy on the left,
like you need to know, but watch.
Check this out.
-LaKedra. -What is the Shih Tzu?
-Charlie. -What is Wales?
-LaKedra. -Who is Thumper?
-LaKedra. -What is Monticello?
-Charlie. -Who is Frank Lloyd Wright?
-LaKedra. -Who is Betsy Ross?
-LaKedra. -What is Hokkaido?
[ Laughter ]
-Charlie. -What is The Great Pumpkin?
-Charlie.
-What are the Great Smoky Mountains?
-Lakedra. -What is folic acid?
-Charlie? [ Laughter and applause ]
-Can you give me a little clicky click?
[ Clicking ]
LaKedra. [ Clicking ]
What is too much Red Bull? [ Laughter ]
[ Clicking ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
But he -- Poor Ben. Ben, yeah.
He finally got called on.
Let's that a look at how that went.
-Ben. -Who is Data?
-No. -There you go.
[ Rimshot ] -Hey-oh!
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right -- he finished with zero dollars and carpal tunnel.
There you go, everybody.
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!