- Today I'm gonna share with you a communication tool
that can absolutely transform your love life.
Really, any relationship that you have
and if you're learning this tool
for the first time here today,
its going to empower you for the rest of your life.
Check it out.
(upbeat music)
Hey there, my name is Mat Boggs
and I'm the founder of the Love and Relationship
division of the brave thinking Institute.
Where our mission is increasing love in the world,
one heart at a time.
And if you're not a member of this community
yet take a moment and hit that subscribe button
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Because every week we bring you videos
to empower you and your love life,
and help you create a life you absolutely love living.
So now, today we're talking about a communication tool
specifically centered on anger.
What anger is and what's underneath it
that can actually help it dissolve and melt away.
Because it's in those moments where we get angry
that are the greatest conflicts in our relationship.
Because when we get angry,
it's often the hardest time to think clearly.
We move into the emotional area of our brain
Our adrenals fire, right?
Our blood pressure goes up.
Our heart starts to race.
We'll get sweaty,
our body is literally preparing us for a fight.
Even though it might not be a physical engaging fight.
It's an emotional engaging fight.
But our autonomic nervous system responds the same way.
And often it's really tough to think clearly
when we're in that angry emotional state.
Let me give you an example of this.
Several years back my friends and I,
we had planned a trip together
and then the planning kind of fell off
and we didn't hear from them.
They weren't gonna come with us on this trip.
And then we decided well, we're not gonna go on the trip.
And then the time of the trip came around
and I see on social media that they went on that trip
and they went on that trip with another family.
And I could feel myself getting so angry about this.
And I was like, are you kidding me?
That went on this trip with this other family
didn't even tell us about it.
Didn't communicate about it.
I just felt so mad.
I could feel myself getting angry
and I wanted to call them and have this conversation.
But I knew that if I called them in an angry state
that it wasn't really gonna go well.
'Cause really what I wanted was more connection with them.
I wanted a good friendship with them.
And so I learned this principle from the Gottman institute
And they designed a model called The Anger Iceberg.
See most people don't know this.
In fact, usually only therapists or relationship counselors
know this that anger is a secondary emotion.
Anger is a secondary emotion.
It's a lot like this iceberg.
That above the water is 10% of the iceberg
that's what's presenting,
but below the water is 90% of the iceberg
It's submerged you don't see it.
That's a lot like anger.
10% of the emotion is anger it's above the surface
it's what's presenting to you but really 90% of the emotion
is below the surface it's not anger.
It's other primary emotions that are driving the anger.
Emotions like fear, emotions like hurt or betrayal
or rejection, emotions like stress or overwhelm, right?
Those emotions can often then trigger us
and the presenting emotion is anger
but what's really underneath it are these other emotions.
And so when you're wanting to resolve a conflict,
if you want yourself to feel better,
if you wanna help someone else to feel better,
and they're coming at you and they're angry
let that be a signal that triggers in your mind
that says, okay, this is the secondary emotion.
What else is going on under the surface?
What are they really feeling?
It's kind of like the game Jenga
where these emotions are stacked on one another.
If you can find that primary emotion that's triggered,
pull that out, help that person heal that emotion.
All the stacked emotions can just fall away.
And so I asked myself
wow, I'm feeling really angry
but what's that feeling underneath that?
And there's two primary feelings that I had
that usually ended up becoming the primary feelings
underneath when someone's angry and it was hurt and scared.
I felt hurt I felt rejected
I felt that they didn't wanna spend
time with us and that hurt.
And I also felt scared that we would lose our friendship.
I had so much fun with these guys.
We've been friends a long time
and I didn't wanna lose that friendship.
And so honoring that place in me
saying wow, I feel hurt about this
and I feel scared about that.
I was able to have the conversation.
And instead of saying, I'm so pissed
and how could you guys do this?
And you totally backstabbed us or ineffective communication.
I was able to say, you know, I saw these posts
and I feel hurt that you guys didn't choose us.
And I feel scared that we're drifting apart.
I feel scared that our relationship
isn't as close as it once was.
And was so amazing as coming to that conversation
with that level of vulnerability,
gave my friend the ability to be vulnerable
or at least he said," You know what, let me share with you."
"What's been going on for us."
And it had nothing to do with my family.
It was something they were needing
to deal with and I had total compassion for them.
And at that moment, that struggle, that disconnection moment
actually brought us closer together.
Our friendship became more strong, closer, more solid
because we were able to navigate that obstacle.
And that's the amazing thing about arguments, fights
challenges that they're not there to drive us apart.
They're actually there as opportunities
to bring us closer together if we have the right tools.
And so this anger iceberg is a brilliant idea
inside awareness that many that researchers
have come up with over the years and I'm handing it to you.
If you don't already know about this,
when someone's angry or when you're angry,
ask yourself the question.
What might I be scared about regarding this situation?
What might I be heard about regarding this situation?
And then take that idea of fear
or feeling hurt or sad and surrounded in love
love yourself for having that emotion.
And you will watch the anger begins to melt.
The anger begins to dissipate.
The charge will come off.
And from that reduced emotionally intense place.
When you come to a calmer place
you're able to communicate much more effectively.
So my question for you is a bit of a vulnerable one today.
And I challenge you to find the courage
to share this in the comment section below.
But when was the last time you got angry?
And what might be one of the underlying
emotions beneath that?
I challenge you to post that in the comment section below.
I think that's gonna be really healing and inspiring
to everyone who reads those comments including myself.
So I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)