Oh, howdy! This is PhantomStrider.
Let's talk forgotten cartoons.
While we have plenty of quality cartoons generally aimed at a female demographic,
there's also been an avalanche of saccharine, pandering, pitiful cartoons
also aimed at women.
Cartoons that any lady or man would roll their eyes at and soon forget.
( Yaaaay! )
And as is a tradition of bad forgotten cartoons...
(pow!)
I'll go DarkStrider for this list!
(boos) (I want my money back!)
Well I like it, and I wanna go DarkStrider!
So let's check out the top five worst forgotten girls' cartoons!
And of course, if you do like these cartoons, that's great.
It's just my silly personal opinion, and I respect your opinion.
Anyway, on to the countdown!
Gwen Stefani decides to make a cartoon.
And unsurprisingly, it stinks.
It's plastic, it's thoughtless, it's artificial,
it's pandering to young women so transparently.
I like some of Gwen Stefani's songs,
I just don't think she makes a competent cartoon.
The animation on this.
Truly, the copy/paste function was exploited for all it was worth in this cartoon.
Just like the Magic School Bus remake.
You can tell each character's just been lazily copy/pasted
with a new haircut stuck on top at the end.
(Girl) Ohh! How hot do you think he is?
Hot, medium hot, or mega hot?
-You may wonder why the budget was so poor for this cartoon.
That is because it was funded solely by the Australian government
to have cheap Flash animation, and that's it.
Gwen Stefani has apparently been posing this idea since 2004,
and apparently Nickelodeon was finally on board with it by 2013.
It's almost as if they knew the nightmare they were creating!
And it probably helped that Gwen Stefani had a brother in Nickelodeon animation.
Sadly, sometimes it's not what you know, but who you know.
In this cartoon, the HJ5 pop band fights villains such as General Nofun.
- You dare cross me?
General Nofun?!
- ...And Commander Bo-ring,
followed by Mrs. Say-Wah.
These names have all the effort of the animation.
Possibly less.
Common Sense Media had major issues with this one.
As Gwen Stefani, inside or outside animation,
seems oddly intense on surrounding herself with subservient Asian stereotypes.
And that is a strange message to be sending kids.
The jokes are weak as stale coffee.
(Girl) Define "fun."
- What am I, a dictionary?
-The writing's poor, characters show no body language,
no basic behaviors you expect from a human.
It's just animation with all the memorability of a rehashed garbage cheese filling.
This isn't even an affectionate Japanese-style cartoon, like Avatar or Legend of Kora.
That would have been awesome!
Instead, it's an uneducated, lazy, culturally empty,
messily regurgitated "Westernized" version of Japan.
(Girl) A zero-gravity KuuKuu kawaii cocoa maker!
-So that makes this an insult to women, Japan, and cartoons!
And the 4th worst girls' cartoon is:
So many ways to play.
Ughh, welcome to the most nauseating stain on the My Little Pony franchise.
(pony) Wouldn't you say so, Mr. Quackerson?
-And I truly do mean nauseating.
You remember that saccharine little twerp Molly from Tail Spin?
Or Webby from the original Duck Tales?
Not the new Duck Tales. That Webby is awesome.
(Webby) Woohoo! Vent crawl!
-Well, they made about ten of those and stuck them all
in a sickly, colorful world with the most lazy Flash CG
we've ever seen in My Little Pony.
The mouths move like these floating, disembodied entities.
And our favorite ponies have all had their dialogue reduced to...
well, I don't even know how to describe dialogue this vapidly stupid.
(pony) Join our most pinkalicious tea party?
Party party party party party!
-The newborn cuties are going to play! Hooray!
So they'll slowly walk over to the couch
to get a picture book.
There's just this long, awkward silence to the whole clap-trap garbage heap,
as though the creators had forgotten to put dialogue and animation in half the episode.
Characters will just vacantly stare out into nothing.
What are they staring at?
Trying to market shlock[?] like this to young women is an insult to all ages and all genders.
Hasbro frantically hid these ponies,
and Lauren Faust made things a whole lot better with the ponies we know today.
And the G3.5 ponies were rapidly flushed down the cartoon toilet.
And the third worst forgotten girl's cartoon is:
I don't know where to start with this one.
The creepy mouse CG, the tacky two-bit dialogue,
the abysmal fake British accents,
or the flimsily written stories that make Fanboy & Chumchum look profound.
♪ Now the magic has begun
-Or how about the ridiculously overly-colorful backgrounds
that are so hideously oversaturated that you're likely to go blind just by watching.
Well, pick your poison!
So you may be asking what these hideous rodents do with themselves
in a 13 minute cartoon?
Well, they twirl around,
then they twirl around a little more,
and if you're lucky, you might have fallen asleep from boredom
and not be conscious for the next 12 minutes of twirling around.
The new Angelina is about as stimulating as tic-tac-toe underwater with the lights out.
But there is one plus I give to this cartoon:
It encourages girls to twirl around like ballerinas, be active and be merry,
then more power to it.
It may be shlock[?], but at least it's encouraging kids to dance.
And the second worst forgotten girl's cartoon is:
Yeah, we're looking back at this one.
Italy, the brilliant masterminds behind such classics as Tentacolino,
bring us the most sickly-sweet load of fairy floss gunk
since the Carebears had a crossover with Barney.
So rather than what's wrong with this cartoon,
what's actually right about this cartoon?
It's not the lip-syncing, that's abysmal.
- I feel like a different puppy after passing the Tibetan bridge test.
I feel more responsible.You know what I'm doing...
- The voice acting sounds like broken alien Engrish.
It's ugly, it's cheesy, it makes no sense,
it's a pandering, sickly premise about a world of dogs,
the backgrounds look like they were slapped together in ten minutes
with a lazy Photoshop gradient.
I know I've mentioned this one before in Worst Italian Cartoons,
but it really is just too forgotten, girly, and awful to not mention.
Senorita Blandita here becomes the mistress of the Pocket Kingdom,
guided by her horrendously voice-acted mutt named Magic.
Pocket Kingdom is full of magical puppies that go from their world to our world to be adopted.
Puppy in my Pocket is the shame of Italian cartoons for girls.
Luckily, it's forgotten by most viewers 12 seconds after they watch it.
And before we get to number one, I'd like to do some honorable mentions.
This one was recommended a lot, but I felt it was a little too tongue-in-cheek for being on the list.
It's kind of self-deprecating and aware of its own ridiculousness.
And I can definitely see this being empowering to some people, and more power to it.
Plus my favorite voice actor, Jennifer Harly, is ubiquitous throughout this cartoon.
I really wanted to include this one. It's just so weird.
Would you believe the new Strawberry Shortcake is an okay girl's cartoon?
The voice acting is actually top-notch.
In fact, you can hear a lot of the voice actors from Friendship is Magic in here.
- And we have applesauce!
Needs more mashing.
-Anyway, on to number one.
And the number one worst forgotten girl's cartoon is:
- 𝘐 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵. 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥.
This is the worst.
When every moment the main characters are talking makes me want to barf,
your cartoon has truly failed.
- (British accent) She's totally cool! And you guys are like, not.
As if that girl would be friends with you two. Haha!
- The writing in this one is really in a category of its own of bad.
Seriously, this one makes Blinky Bill look like an epic odyssey of deep existential discovery.
Each character ubiquitously talks like an alien with no concept of human communication.
I'd call it a Fairly Odd Parents ripoff,
but even a ripoff would be better quality than this.
Anything even slighly resembling Fairly Odd Parents would be leagues better than this.
The thrilling stories include:
gossiping whether Pixel Pinkie exists,
avoiding babysitting, or getting rid of a zit.
You know, truly epic-scale human endeavors
on the discovery of magical existence.
Look at these backgrounds! Look at them!
There's no effort! Zero! No attempt to try!
They're so uninspired and flat, they make McDonald's place mats look photorealistic.
I can literally see the flickering animation!
No effort! Zero!
The animation is lazy, the story is lazy,
the characters are lifeless.
Their voices make my stomach churn.
This voice acting has to be heard to be believed!
I will show us four seconds of dialogue. Brace yourself.
(high-pitched) Nina, you've made me the happiest digital genie in the world!
-I'm sorry I had to put you through that.
I only did it to prove a point.
Pixel Pinkie is so bad, it's not even pandering.
Pandering would mean the creators have some idea of what a young woman might actually want to watch.
This is like some hideous combination of a low budget, educational elementary school film
mixed with bad fan ficton Fairly Odd Parents.
In case I haven't reiterated enough, Pixel Pinkie is bad.
It's really, really awful.
(exhale)
Well thanks for checking out some lousy cartoons with me
that are generally aimed at a female demographic, and well and truly forgotten.
And honestly, I'm glad these exist, because we can dig them up
and have some fun with obscure things that otherwise would be lousy and just annoy people.
And thank you to the creators of these cartoons
who gave us something we can look back on and have a laugh at.
And I'm very grateful for that, to be able to be here with you
and chat about something silly, frivolus, and forgotten and turn it into something fun.
And if you feel I've missed a forgotten lousy cartoon generally aimed at ladies,
feel free to leave it in the comments below.
And as always, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.